Friday, December 16, 2005

Busy or Bad?

Ok, here's my secret: When I don't post for several days, one of two things is going on. Either I'm really busy, or I'm being bad. This short hiatus is a result of both, actually. Another work trip to Portland coupled with existing plans makes for a busy Jenn. (Aside: I had another fantastic dinner at Park Kitchen though, worth the trip to PDX just to eat there, I swear! As an added bonus, I had fun flirting with the adorable, responsive (and sadly, coupled) server.)

However, my true confession is that I've been struggling a bit otherwise. I've not been to the gym since Monday - I'm just exhausted I think. Break-up land is just not a happy place and drains me; work has been busy, business travel messes up the schedule and is tiring in a whole other way. Not to make excuses, but god - I can only do so much, you know? That said, you'd think I'd compensate with my eating. Nope. I've been taking in more liquid calories than normal (re: discovered eggnog lattes...sweet mary...yum!, had a few martinis/wine/margaritas/greyhounds...) and I've been eating holiday chocolates to boot.

Jezuz Jennifer!!!! For shame, really. I dropped the equivalent of a low-end new car's worth of cashola for my lapband, I LOVE how I feel 42 pounds lighter, I love how I look, my confidence, and the fact that I actually believe and can see getting down to a normal size person. But right now, I feel like a giant f*ck up; while at the same time, I realize we can't all do it perfectly all of the time, right? It'll pass. But I'm a bit digusted with myself this week. Now you know.


Sandi Hooper said...

Yeah, I know that when I'm quiet for too long, it's usually not good either.

I'd launch into the big "pep talk" here, but you already know all that shit. So just suffice it to say I still think you're a very cool person. Besides, I know that you'll swing into a big exercise jag any moment now...

RisibleGirl said...

Eh... I wouldn't beat myself up too much over this. You're HUMAN.

Besides, I can tell by some of the things you've written that you're a goal oriented gal. That bodes well for you in this case.

Come the new year, you'll pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get back on that horse. I have faith in you!

Snoop Lori D.

Jenn said...

Thanks for the nice comments :) I know you guys totally get it! I realize it'll come around; it's just so hard to see it when you're in this space, no? It's a metaphor for my whole life right now...unsettled, anxious, and a bit of a roller coster...sigh. Off to the gym in 47 minutes, even if I only do 10 minutes on the machine - it's the principle.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer Steff-

Be nice to yourself. You have worked far too hard to be upset about the fact that you are having an off week. Perhaps this is just your body and your mind letting you know that a break is needed from all the hard and intense work you've been doing on yourself and the things going on in your life.

You are doing great!

See you at 8:30AM for Discovery Park.

Jenn said...

Jenn - If you were perfect all of the time, I'd have to hate you. And, I really don't want to do that! :) I'll admit w/ you that I haven't done any exercise since Thursday of last week. I just haven't been able to motivate myself to do it. Although, I have brought along my workout stuff with me to my sister's. We'll see if I successfully drag it out, though. It's going to be especially difficult, though, b/c it means going out in public to exercise. Scary stuff! I know you'll get back on track!


Jenn said...

I forgot to add to my previous comment that I've thoroughly impressed that you've been able to do so well while travelling! I used to travel for business 70% of the year and made the decision to leave that job before having surgery b/c I knew I'd never be successful losing weight while eating out 3 meals a day 70% of the year.

Anonymous said...

Your mother and I have been there. You feel rejected, you feel you have no self worth. You lost your partner that you planned to spend the rest of your life with. It is a gief process Jenn. Jenn, one thing I kept telling myself, "I am somebody, I am worth something". Part of your life left you, now you need to create a new life for yourself and for a while by yourself. Healing takes time. You have two major things going on in your life. The lap ban and a break up. Look to yourself, stick to the diet and workout first, put yourself into your job, do things at night. Even if it is going to a book store and looking. Then you will see couples laughing and fooling around, it hurts. But the more you see it the easier it gets. Because you have hope because you are somebody important, you are worth something. Hang in there Jenn. And don't say you can't do it because you can do anything if you put your mind to it.