Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Flattening Out and Filling Up

This is getting a little old. I have weighed the exact same amount now for's ok. I know. It'll move again. I know. It's normal, natural and expected. I KNOW. But f*ck if it isn't exhausting, hard, disheartening, frustrating and disillusioning. One of my friends said, "Oh, so super gold star weight loss champion Jenn is - god forbid - just like everyone else and has hit a plateau!"...I laughed, he's right. It happens. To everyone...I'm not that special - this I realize.

Today I'm off to the surgeon today and planning to get a small fill, likely taking me up to 2.0cc's in my band. I'm at 1.6 or so right now. I'm a little scared - right now my level of PB's is ok, I can eat just about everything (save for sushi & eggs) - the idea of barfing more often produces ungodly anxiety for me.

I don't know how bulimics do it - and I'm not being disrespectful here. I get eating disorders, I even qualified as a compulsive eater for a good chunk of my life and did some heartly dabbling in self-starvation in tandem. I get that an eating disorder - no matter how it's acted out, starving, barfing or extreme overeating - is about self-hatred. Those feelings truly ended for me a good 4 years ago and I am grateful. That said, I never choose bulimia as my way of acting out because I hate to vomit. So the Dreaded PB, as it's called, f*cking exhausts me. It is brutal to me every time, even when it's a "little" one. My last one wasn't bad, a few good horks and it cleared and I was fine. But I swear to god I feel like I've been physically assaulted when it's done...hence, my fill-related fear.

I am, however, looking forward to the post-fill ritual of a day of liquids, then soft food/mushies for a few days before working solids back into the mix. Though starving used to be a sign of emotional pain for me, now it's almost a humbling, grounding experience - and being on liquids typically involves some significant hunger. It's like a big fat reset button, reminding me how little I truly need to survive and that being hungry isn't the end of the world and I won't die. Last, it usually produces a 2-3 pound loss over the first week or two post-fill, which right now, would make me do a backflip or two.


Serena said...

I hope the fill helps you get past this plateau. I am already terrified of hitting a plateau even though I know they are normal. I nearly have a panic attack every week before weigh-in.

Jenn said...

Jenn - Just a post to let you know I hope you're doing well, and I miss your posts!