Good Work People!

I just wanted to say good work on the prior post people! Indeed, my two key points were (1) I fit in the seat in the first place and (2) the copious amount of slack on the belt! Luckily, I've never needed a seatbelt extension - however, I've practically stood up in the seat and hooked the belt down around my legs and then stuffed myself into it in order to avoid the extension...

Last weekend I hung out in Santa Cruz & San Francisco and had a great time! I caught my relfection a couple times in store windows and hardly recognized myself. It's funny how just changing the environment around you allows you to see yourself differently - likely why people make many sweeping changes in their lives all at once.

Eating is going a bit better, though I'm being a little nuts about it all...I'm still monitoring things and figure I'll address the whole thing with my surgeon at my next regular appointment (mid-feb.). The issue is this basically: before, I could eat about anything, though in limited quantities, but I could still eat in a way that felt, well, normal. Now, I'm forced to eat ridiculously slow (like, 45 minutes to eat 4 oz. of fish and 1/2 cup of brussel sprouts) or I feel stuck after 5 bites of runny oatmeal in the a.m. I'll admit, this is hard and is kind of sucking - though, until I hit the goal weight, I'm willing to endure what it takes. I'm just hoping to have things level out soon.

No new weight loss to report, but I had a quick drop just then, so no worries on that. Hope everyone is well! Thanks & welcome to all the new folks who are reading :)

Ok WLS Folks...

What is significant about this self-portrait of me on an airplane? :)

Too much fill?

So this fill has officially 'kicked in' - I don't think I've eaten a meal since this weekend that actually was easy to eat. It's taking me about an hour to eat 1/2 c. of hot cereal...not that it stays hot, of course...I eat and I just feel, well, backed up - and it doesn't take much to illicit a hearty PB - only 2 serious ones this week, but many sliming incidents too. It's a little exhausting, but without a doubt I think this may be true restriction on the highest order.

So, you're thinking - 'fabu Jenn! you shall have the pounds melt off!' - but not so young grasshopper. What is true is this: I have only been able to eat maybe 4 or 5 bites of solid food before I feel stuck and/or start getting slimey. So I stop. And then I get hungry in an hour or two, since I've really not eaten, and then eat something soft & easy. "Soft Food Syndrome" as they call it in lap-band land, is when you can't get solids down and switch to soft foods and liquids - which are significantly more calorie dense than solid food. When this happens, people actually gain weight, despite having more restriction. Not good. Big fear. Uncool. Double non-bonus: I'm focusing on eating my protein first so I don't go bald, and that means minimal veggies or grains...which equals minimal, uh, fiber. And we'll leave it at that.

I'm going to give it a little more time and see what unfolds - I'm at 2cc's in my 4cc band. In the meantime, I'm taking a good hour to eat insanely small portions of food just to be safe, which is plum exhausting - way more to think about than I'd like - not to mention sometimes one doesn't really have a whole hour to eat 1/2 c. of chicken salad. Don't get me wrong - it's not utter misery or anything - and maybe I just have to get used to it, another adjustment (figuratively & literally). I'll keep you posted...of course, if any bandsters out there have thoughts, please advise.

p.s. On an upside, I started working out with a trainer this week! Ouch, but yay!

Sometimes, I just don't want to know...

I think sometimes I honestly avoid the scale because I just don't want to know. I can clearly tell and feel when I'm losing weight - and when I'm not. Not like I'm going to blow up over night, but it's been a little challenging lately (emotionally) as lots has been going on for me and I'll admit, I've been eating out and um, drinking out just a bit. I'm sure all is not lost - it's just awesome when you can feel the weight falling off of you and cheerfully jump on the scale without hesitation.

In other news, I had the most wicked PB ever last night. Sweet mary, I thought I was going to die - and I have to say, it was, as usual, 100% user error. I ate about 1/2 cup of pasta lubed up with a little butter...and as evidenced by what I saw later, I didn't chew very well. This was, however, the first time a PB grossed me out to the point where I got nauseated and actually vomited (though nothing came up). Of course as I'm dry-heaving I'm panicking totally that my lap-band will dislodge or slip and I'm trying to do all vomit-avoidance techniques I employed when I drank too much back in college (count from 100 backwards, have a piece of hard candy, 'choose' not to vomit - just say no, etc.)...nothing worked. But, the whole gruesome ordeal did end eventually, but man it sucked. And it's so lame when it was all my fault. For shame.

Two-Oh!

It's quite nice to be in the two-oh's...that is, two-oh-six as of today - a total loss of 52 pounds. This explains my feeling skinny; it's not just a feeling - it seems to be a reality. Since last Wednesday's fill, the scale has shown a loss of 5 pounds...after a 3-weekish holiday drought, this is excellent news. What's more interesting to me is that I could actually see it before it was 'proven' on the scale. Now there's a good time!

The next big goal of course is to reach Onederland - yes, another lil' weight-loss-surgery-community term that refers to the blessed day when your weight actually starts with a "1" since pretty much everyone who takes this journey starts with a "2" or "3." This should not be confused with the "Century Club" - which refers to one who has dropped 100 pounds. The day I reach that goal is the day I'm basically done...so we'll look forward to that later this year. After reaching Onederland, my next goal is to be what I lied and said I weighed on my license...190. :)

p.s. Check out my ticker...I'm officially past my 1/2 way point. How exciting!

Feeling Skinny

Why is it that nothing changes between one day and the next, yet one day you feel like a big fat cow and the next a skinny minny? Seriously, I feel so skinny today it's freaky. Eh, I'll take what I can get :)

I started up my "yoga for round bodies" class again tonight. I fear after this 6-week cycle I may not be round enough for it any longer, but I'm guessing they wouldn't exactly give me the boot. It kicked my butt as it did last time around. I dig it though, and it's really interesting to me now, as one of the smaller folks in the class, to see all of these larger women getting themselves out there and doing something good for their bodies. It's very cool. There are 3 or 4 lapbanders in there as well. The highlight, however, was when my co-worker Amy - who sees me every single day in regular/work clothes - didn't recognize me at first because I looked so skinny in my workout garb with my hair pulled back in ponytail. Seriously. How cool is that?

For the lap-banders who read: My 2 cc fill is awesome. I can eat about 1 cup of food tops, and am typically happy with less. I feel like it's moving again. I love that this thing is adjustable! Amen!!!

In other news, my freshly lap-banded sister looks great! I saw her tonight and all seems well. She's on liquids and is not very hungry (3-days post-op). I took her some cauliflower puree I made last night (it rocked!) to use as a soup base for something a little more riveting than protein shakes and broth. Her incisions look good and are healing up nicely, so all is well. It's funny for me because that time for me seems like eons ago, but it was only 4 months back! I can't believe the difference in such a short amount of time. (You won't either, Meg!)

Tomorrow is Friday! Rahoo!!!!!!!

NSV

So several years ago I went to this fancy downtown spa with a gift certificate I'd gotten. The 19-year-old check-in girl was less than empathetic when the standard size robe wouldn't close for me...so she said, "well, I guess I'll have to find something for you..." and came back with a gigantic white tent-like thing for me to wear. I stuck out like a sore thumb, er, a gigantic sore thumb... It was horrible, though I was keen to get my treatments so it didn't ruin my time, but i remember feeling like a freak amongst the regular-sized folk.

Now, I tell this story only because it occurred to me today as I went to the fancy spa (a different one) and was able to wear their XL robe as oversized fashion - I'm sure had I grabbed a plain ole' L it would've fit just fine. So, apparently I'm now not so fat as to preclude me from spending way too much money having someone take care of my body for me. Ra-hoo!

In other news, it seems my new fill is sufficient as I'm having to eat as slow as molasses to avoid the stuck-in-the-throat feeling after three bites. It took me an hour to eat about a 2/3 c. piece of egg/corn tortilla pie that I had leftover from brunch this weekend. And it required a good bit of salsa & sour cream to lube it down. All good news though! Since I just lobbed off 3 pounds I'm not expected any near-term miracles, but I feel like I'm on track in a good way.

p.s. My younger sister Meg got a lap-band on Monday! She's clicking along so far - she dropped 10 lbs on her pre-op diet and is off & running (so to speak...)

Finally Fifty. 50. That's five-zero.

So, ok, it was bound to happen: The freakin' scale moved! FINALLY. It was frustrating to the point where I just stayed off the scale for a few days. I was exhausted seeing the same thing. But, as I hoped, the post-fill liquid/soft food days functioned as a reset button. Today the scale said a firm 208 - that's a 50-pound total loss! I swear I could've burst into tears on the scale - but instead I just stared and it and felt happy so as not to look like a freak at the gym.

In other related news, I went to two regular-size-people stores and was actually able to buy something! I got an XL Charter Club sweater at Macy's *not* in Women's World and then a very cool XL shirt at J. Jill followed up with the crowning jewel: A Size L sweater, also from J. Jill. Now then, I realize sizes vary, but how goddamn cool is it to have something with an "L" on the tag in my closet? Well, you know the answer. Pretty f*cking cool.

Last, I called the first surgeon's office whom I had started with in June just to see if I weighed more and indeed, I did. In June, I was a burgeoning 262. So, the real good news is that since June I've lost 54 pounds. But I'm keeping my official total/ticker to what I was when I went to my surgeon in August. Still, all good news, no?

p.s. Sorry for my erratic posting - break-up land has been less-than-palatable... I recently learned that one of the stages of grief is depression - somehow I didn't know this. I seem to be well past denial (stage 1), and am now bouncing around between stages 2, 3 & 4 - anger, bargaining and depression, respectively - all while looking forward to stage 5, acceptance. Seems the depression part tends to preclude me from posting. Thanks for all your nice messages reminding me to come back - it helps!

4-Month Bandiversary!

Well today is the 4-month anniversary of me getting my lapband. I weighed in at my surgeon's office 6 pounds down since my last fill - while it feels slow and depressing, the truth is for the time period of Dec. 11 - Jan. 12, one really shouldn't be complaining. He assured me that many folks coming in for their monthly appointments were not experiencing the same sense of accomplishment :) So, that was good news. I got filled up to 2.0 cc's as expected.

Six pounds doesn't feel very exciting or significant, and I am still hanging out at a 47-pound total loss. I've posted new photos, but honestly can't tell much of a difference this time around - though, in the companion naked photos (from which I will spare you), there is definite difference between last time and this time - particularly in my chest/shoulders (but unfortunately not boobs) and in my low back/butt.

My sister shot my photos this month (thank you Hoolie!) - since she took the naked ones, she took a look at my compliations of the past 4 months. We looked in backward order - from now back to September 10...her comment was, "Jeez Jenny, you look like a marshmellow blowing up in a microwave!" :)

Flattening Out and Filling Up

This is getting a little old. I have weighed the exact same amount now for weeks...it's ok. I know. It'll move again. I know. It's normal, natural and expected. I KNOW. But f*ck if it isn't exhausting, hard, disheartening, frustrating and disillusioning. One of my friends said, "Oh, so super gold star weight loss champion Jenn is - god forbid - just like everyone else and has hit a plateau!"...I laughed, he's right. It happens. To everyone...I'm not that special - this I realize.

Today I'm off to the surgeon today and planning to get a small fill, likely taking me up to 2.0cc's in my band. I'm at 1.6 or so right now. I'm a little scared - right now my level of PB's is ok, I can eat just about everything (save for sushi & eggs) - the idea of barfing more often produces ungodly anxiety for me.

I don't know how bulimics do it - and I'm not being disrespectful here. I get eating disorders, I even qualified as a compulsive eater for a good chunk of my life and did some heartly dabbling in self-starvation in tandem. I get that an eating disorder - no matter how it's acted out, starving, barfing or extreme overeating - is about self-hatred. Those feelings truly ended for me a good 4 years ago and I am grateful. That said, I never choose bulimia as my way of acting out because I hate to vomit. So the Dreaded PB, as it's called, f*cking exhausts me. It is brutal to me every time, even when it's a "little" one. My last one wasn't bad, a few good horks and it cleared and I was fine. But I swear to god I feel like I've been physically assaulted when it's done...hence, my fill-related fear.

I am, however, looking forward to the post-fill ritual of a day of liquids, then soft food/mushies for a few days before working solids back into the mix. Though starving used to be a sign of emotional pain for me, now it's almost a humbling, grounding experience - and being on liquids typically involves some significant hunger. It's like a big fat reset button, reminding me how little I truly need to survive and that being hungry isn't the end of the world and I won't die. Last, it usually produces a 2-3 pound loss over the first week or two post-fill, which right now, would make me do a backflip or two.

Fill Desperation

Ok, so there have always been posts on my message board that embody what I call "fill desperation" - that is, people freaking out that their weight loss is stalling and who are dying for a fill. Well, now I'm one of them!

I've spent the last week freaking out a bit - despite going to the gym every day and eating within the range, things are just stalled out. No movement in a while now...and I'll admit, I'm more anxious about this than I'd expect. There are variables, I know - perhaps it's those egg-nog lattes catching up with me (along with all of the other holiday cheer, er, alcohol, sugar, etc.)...and I am PMS-ish, but not really officially enough to count it.

I have a fill appointment on the 11th - that's a week or so away. I am planning on .5 or so to bring me up to 2.0cc's. Until then, I'm just trying to stay on track using fitday to make sure I'm not exceeding the calorie-intake goal, workout daily and not to stress out too much. It's hard though, to have it go from being so easy to suddening being so hard. I haven't craved food or been hungry in a long time! This is the joy and pain of the adjustable band - sometimes it adjusts itself to where it just isn't working as well as you'd like...the upside being you can fix it with one big fat needle and a knowledgable surgeon.

Maybe my body is just catching up. But I am terrified that this is it - that I won't lose another ounce and I'll be stuck at this weight forever more. Silly. Irrational. Ridiculous. But oh-so-real to me in this moment.

p.s. Apologies for the short hiatus, nothing is really up, just got busy with the new year and didn't have much to say until now :)

p.s.s. Thanks for all of the nice replies to my last post!!!