Boob Job Nightmare

So I had a dream that I had a boob job; they screwed it up and instead of making them smaller and perkier, they made them BIGGER - enlarging them into giant, honey dew melon-porn-star tits!

Oh, and one side was significantly bigger than the other, they were all dimpled and poorly shaped.

...and the best part? They put two nipples on one boob, and no nipple on the other. I awoke and said to the doctor, "Did you not notice this? Doesn't it look funny to you?!?!" Needless to say, I was happy to wake up and see all was well with my chest. Phew!

Hm. Now there's a subconscious manifestation of fear, no?

9 1/2 Month Surgeon Visit - Update!




Well, one happy Jenn hopped on the scale to learn I weighed 190.9 - down about 5 and a 1/2 pounds from last month! Very exciting! All told with pre-band weight loss, I'm at a total loss of 71 pounds at the 9.5 month mark. Somehow, passing the 70-pound mark feels seriously significant - similar to when I passed 40...I dunno, some of these milestones just feel bigger than others. Bonus: I am now merely overweight, no longer obese, with a BMI of 29.9!

I had the alternate surgeon today, who was very nice - but I'd never met him. I discussed my fill situation and we agreed to a teeny tiny unfill. I'm wicked paranoid to go too low - 1.8 was loose! So, I went back to 2.0 exactly (I was at 2.1). The unfill was relatively uneventful. We'll see how I do - but it has to be better. I'm tracking with fitday now, like religion, to snap myself back to center in terms of caloric intake, so it's just a matter of whether or not I'm starving all the time, etc. which I doubt.

Press the Reset Button, Jennifer.

Ok, I realized something: It is me.

Yep, I realized I was off the wagon, but I don't think I knew how far off the wagon I was...so, I hit the reset button this week and, with the help of my ever-faithful pal ck, I set some goals to help be get back in the game. Here they are, both for support to those of you who may be in the same boat, and for accountability:

1. Get back to 800 - 1200 calories/day.
So I did fitday.com for a few days, thought I was practically starving myself and found that I was indeed at the high end of my range...1200 calories! This is fine, but before, I was eating considerably more, meaning I was likely in a 1500-1800 range; fine for maintenance but I'm not there yet. Obviously.

2. No work out, no go out.
Back to this: No wine, drinks, etc. unless I've exercised, and then, only within my calorie range.

3. Exercise: 9 hours/week.
Six days of 1-hour walks + 3 days of 1-hour workouts at the gym, or a second walk, or whatever. 9 hours each week though, with only 1 day of rest.

4. Take the Meds.
I've been blowing off my thyroid medications which is ludicrous; plus stopped taking all insulin-resistance-related drugs after my surgery. Nice Jenn, self-medicate - great idea!...Sigh. I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist next Tuesday. I'll be back to center then, but have gotten back on the thyroid wagon (all the sudden I'm tired and my skin is dry and my hair is growing slow...and and...)

5. Get the Band Adjusted Properly
I'm too tight. I sort of like it; but dumb! Hello - slippage, etc. are huge risks. So, off to the surgeon later today. Git'er done, girl.

6. Nutritionist Check-In
I'm not eating enough protein. I'm eating soft/liquids, too much of them. Probably drinking too much alcohol too - not in an alcoholic way, just in a calorie sense. No more sweet drinks - they taste too good, are too full of calories and too easy to have another. Martinis...savories. Only.

7. Post to the Blog!
You guys help keep me on my toes; when I'm posting, I'm working. When I'm not...well, I'm not...so, I'm back to posting daily or near-daily until I finish losing, or need another break.

8. Dissect the Emotions
Watch for an 'emo' post soon - I've been pulling the emotions apart, and trying to put myself back together in light of what I'm learning. I'm scared to be skinny - no doubt - but I'm ok to keep working toward it at this point and face the fear. More on this soon, but know it's a component.

9. Buy a Scale
Accountability. If I'm not working out at the gym, I have no sense of how I'm doing. It will help. I'm ordering one this week.

10. Sugar only Twice/Week
I was getting mochas. Eating the free evil chocolate at work. Ordering sweet drinks (lemon drops, margaritas)...I was getting addicted again. So I'm off sugar for 1 week - then, it's allowed 2x/week. Period.

I think that's it. I'll revise if I forgot anything. I feel better, and skinnier already, being back on track. Surgeon today - I'm not expecting to lose since I know I've had loads of liquid calories and travels since my last fill; but hopefully this adjustment will get me where I want to go!

Writing & Reading

As I've posted here before, I take writing classes at Bent - a writing school for queer folk where we can test out our writing in a safe space. I love it!

As most of you know, I wrote a piece about getting skinny - I read it at a queer spoken word event last month here in Seattle. Last week, my instructor asked me to read an abbreviated version of it at Seattle PrideFest this weekend! I was terrified - reading my piece in front of thousands of people - many of whom happen to fall into my dating pool! But I committed. I have it ready. Scary!

If you'd like to read it the full original version, email me (jennisagemini@yahoo.com) and I'll send it to you a PDF. I don't think I'm game to post the whole thing here and I may want to publish it someplace, and sometimes there are weird requirements around it being 'published' elsewhere.

PB Tips!

I put a post on the lapband messageboard on Obesity Help detailing my tips on how to handle the dreaded "productive burp." I'm not posting it here because really, only bandsters need to know this and care, and well, it's a little gross. So, those bandsters who are interested, you know where to go to find it! Posted at 10:50 a.m. PST on June 19th. Enjoy - comments here or there (OH) are welcome, or added input!

Ok, you tell me....

I'm going to do it. Buy a scale. That's right. A scale. In my home...

So tell me, what one do you have? Do you love it? What are the "must have" features in your opinion? Send me a link too. Cost is no matter - I just want a good one.

Why? Well, I don't fear becoming a scale addict at this point; the scale at my gym is not well calibrated (when I was over 200 lbs, it weighed me 2-3 pounds lighter than my doctor's office; now that I'm under 200 pounds, it's weighing me 2-3 pounds heavier than my doctor's office...).

Thank you in advance!!

Uncle!!

Ok, note to self (and to lap-banders everywhere!): Do not get an aggressive fill before traveling. Especially internationally. Where they eat lots of rice. But really, not at all.

I have not been having a lot of fun since my last fill. I have an appointment on 6/23 where I plan to go back to 2.0cc’s from the 2.1 I have now. Here’s why: I am having a little PB festival every time I eat. I even PB’d water while I was in Manila – it was first thing in the morning and I awoke parched and slammed a ½ a bottle of water. Ok, so maybe it was my fault…but water? Really?? Further, it seems that the only meat that is friendly to me right now is fish – and even that, I have to be sooooo careful. And you all know what this leads to…

Soft foods. So I’ve been eating cheese. Which is fine, I always do – but I worry I’m eating too much. And in Manila, I actually drank frappacinos – yes – a glass of calories really – almost *daily*. Good lord! I do not do that!!! I certainly will have desserts, but in a calculated way, not in a daily downing of a giant, glorified milkshake! In New York, I failed to get through Chinese food, barely made it through Indian and well, nachos (one of my mainstays) both times were not seamless. Thankfully, my birthday dinner was ok: 1 oz Manchego cheese; about 8 mussels; 4-5 of the crispiest potato rounds I could find in the batch; and later in the evening, shared creamy dessert (cheesecake, mousse cake) with a hot cappuccino to get it down smoothly (all went well – happy birthday to me!).

While I love fish, I worry about gaining weight in this panicked mindset – because what actually happens is that you eat this insanely small amount, get a little stuck, and then a little later – 30 – 60 minutes maybe – it goes “clunk” and works through the band. Then you’re starving. So you eat crap to not be hungry. All signs, and obvious ones, of being too tight. That said, I did want to give it the college try and also allow the fill to settle in. I know too many people who panicked a week after a fill and regretted it later. I just wanted to be sure.

And, well folks, I am. That said, I do think I’m dropping weight – haven’t weighed myself in a while, though the scale in Manila put me at exactly what I weighed last time I was at the surgeon’s office. And certainly, if I don’t lose, though it feels like reverse psychology – the best thing to do is loosen up. If I do lose, it becomes a tougher choice, no? I mean, if I’m losing, and that’s my primary goal *for the moment*, maybe I’ll just eat fish for a while? We’ll see.

But don’t do this. If you have a lap-band, reschedule that fill for after big foreign/domestic celebratory travels. Trust me!

35 is MUCH Better Looking then 34, No?

Today I turned 35! Here is a photo now, and on my 34th birthday. Much improved!!!
More soon.
~jenn