Still Fat...

Well, not fat, really, but still 'overweight' and still fighting my last little bit (8 pounds) of apparently tar-like fat that is affixed to my bones like thick paste. Really now, would'ja just let me have this, oh body of mine??

Apparently not. But I digress.

So, the "no weighing" has been a mix of terrifying, annoying, baffling and uncomfortable. Nothing good in it - yet. I've mostly stayed off the scale, and frankly do better when Jill hides it from me. Sometimes when it's there, I'm like an alcoholic - I can resist, resist, resist...and then in a weak moment, I can't stand it anymore and hop up on it and ... damn. Bad Jenn. Honestly, that first week, I didn't weigh at all; when I did, I was 164.2 (up .4) which is essentially inconsequential in my mind. No problem. The following week, I had access to the scale and thought I'd willpower myself NOT to weigh! Well, I failed, and weighed - complete with PMS bloat - and found my old habits dying hard: 165.2? WHAT?! I suck. I am a failure. I need to be punished. Don't eat. Extra exercise for you today. Shame on you.

This is how it is .... sometimes. Other times, like the day I weighed a whopping 166, I was able to say "um, hello, you've not 'eliminated' in a while, you drank a shitload of water after yoga tonight and just finished dinner....oh, and you're still bloated." So no big deal.

The goal here is to aim for Reaction #2, vs. Reaction #1 most (if not all) of the time. But it's like teaching a very old (re: almost 37) dog new tricks. How do I change this thought pattern? I guess I do get how, since sometimes I do so successfully. Sometimes I can weigh in and not have it ruin my whole day, or dictate it at a minimum, when the number isn't what I wanted to see. Other times, well, not so much.

So my current (semi-) final frontier on this particular topic is to get over this! To end the notion that my day/how I feel about myself is dictated by the number - but rather, I decide how my day is going to look, trust myself to do it right (most of the time), and know that in the end, I'm in good order even if I'm still technically "overweight." Eek. That is a HARD sentence to even write (my stomach just turned over), much less internalize. So I guess I'll get going on that now...