Yo, Mama'z Tight

Whoa. This fill is wicked tight...and I'm not sure if it's "too tight" or if I just need to re-adjust to having it this way. If I eat insanely slow, I can get in enough food...but I fear "soft food syndrome" a little and have found myself going to soft/liquid foods just to get enough calories in to think. BUT, that said, I'm groovin' on losing weight again and knowing that it's happening! I don't own a scale, so I don't know exactly what's happening, but I can feel it...and you who have a band or bypass know "that feeling"...the "i'm getting skinny" feeling.

So, I've decided to stick with my fill and go with it. I will never starve; I still have 40+ excess pounds hanging off my body that can be accessed anytime to avoid certain death from starvation :) I did PB a little water yesterday after eating a small spoonful of cookie dough (I know, for shame) - but it just shows that it's working. What's true is often it's not "real" hunger, but rather "head hunger" in that I feel I should eat or be eating more, but really, I'm not hungry. So, I just need to adjust myself to what is essentially a brand-new lapband...which is how it is people: Every fill is like going back to the first one. I swear it.

I'm traveling now effectively for the next three weeks. I am home for a day here and there, but off to Manila, then NYC, then Portland. I'm home for good on June 17 and my next appointment is the following Tuesday, June 20. So we'll see how I do! I'll be posting a bit between now and then...first up: Manila! Home of fried and overly sweet foods.... (yes, I've got Luna bars for days...)

Comparison

My "real" photos are on my other site, but I was reviewing some old posts in order to write up some of my lapband experience for my nutritionist, who is writing a book on lapband nutrition. I found this photo, and thought it would be fun to share it in comparison to a goofy photo I shot of myself yesterday. Please excuse the bowling shoes; normally I'd have boots on with a chunky heel.

Holy crap. Perhaps I just need a little self-validation, but damn if this won't do the trick!

New Photos Are Up! Click HERE.

A pound is a pound!




Sorry it's taken me a couple days to post. My surgeon appointment on Tuesday actually went quite well - to my surprise, I lost a pound. Yep, just one. And while in some ways that should be devastating - we are talking a month here - it wasn't *at all*. I was delighted not to gain really.

So, I was going to wait to get a fill until after my work trip next week (to Manila, in the Philippines), followed by a weekend in NYC to celebrate my 35th birthday...oh yeah, and then a couple days in Portland, OR for work...so I'm basically traveling from May 31 - June 18. BUT, then I thought, "did'ja drop $18K to stay fat then?" and my answer was a big, fat NO. So, when my doc came in I said, "we need to do a fill" and he looked and my chart, busted out the needle festival required for a fill and went to it.

Turns out I'd 'evaporated' about .2 cc's, so I was at 1.8 cc's. Seeing how I've lost about 19 pounds since that last fill, we opted for a 2.1cc total fill - .2 to get me back to where I was, and an additional .1 to compensate for the stomach shrinkage that likely occurred due to my weight loss. And now, a few days later, let me tell you: I am tight. It's kinda good though to come back to center; for example, on Thursday I had folks over for dinner. I ate:

- some cheese with a couple olives
- 5 or 6 small mussels
- 1 good-sized scallop (1.5 oz.), and a spoonful of califlower puree
- a few bites of key lime pie
- a few pieces of chocolate

Not a banner healthy meal, but my point is the quantity. I was able to eat considerably more pre-fill. The fun right now is that post-fill "i know i'm losing weight" feeling. Now that I'm exercising outdoors mostly, I realize I need to finally break down and buy a scale. I've always been anti-scale, but I do think it will keep me on my toes...

The last thing I want to share is a little epiphany I had. So, I've been slow to understand why my weight loss has slowed. Granted, user error has had an impact - a little too much going out, a little sugar here and there, and since I wasn't filled properly, I have had occasional hunger and eaten in response to it at 'non-meal times.' Ok, so there. That makes sense.

But here's the thing mentally I put together: My surgeon had told me to start talking with the plastic surgeon when I got to 180. When I broke 200, I basically stalled out...and I think part of why is that I am still utterly terrified at the notion of getting plastics, of having that kind of intense surgery, of being franken-body afterwards with scars from here to Canada... so as I started to think I was getting "too close" to 180, I think I had a mental block. If I think too much about it, I start to have a little panic attack...or cry...

So it dawned on my that the Plastic Surgery Police aren't beating down my door with a billy club. I don't have to have plastics at 180, 150, or ever for that matter. And this is exactly how it was for me about the lap-band; for a long time, I'd think of it and it would make me anxious/cry and I'd just think, "i'm not ready"... so in terms of plastics: I'm not ready. I don't have to be, but I do have to finish losing my weight. So I feel like I uncorked myself and am raring to go now! It's just funny the things that scare us, and how they impact so much.

Surgeon Tomorrow

I fear my first gain! I just don't feel like I've been losing and it's all my fault...so perhaps tomorrow I'll get snapped back into shape when I go to my surgeon. I'll post some photos then too, but I gotta warn you, i don't feel like I look any different.

That said, my pal Anhl said I should post some of my naked photos, or at least a "decent" segment of me naked...so here are two "before & afters" of my legs. Still no model, but my god, what an improvement, no? The before shots even gross me out a little, so it's ok if they have the same effect on you. Cellulite...ewwwww....

More tomorrow after my 8-month appointment! Yikes!