Lap-Banders: Do Not Try This At Home!




So, how's it going for empty-band-Jenn? Well, it's odd - to be honest. Here is the good, bad & ugly of being unfilled while traveling in Europe.

The Good
I won't lie. I'm a glutton, perhaps that's why I'm still housing a fat-girl soul...and it's been fun. Being unfilled. I've been able to be an easy travel companion (sure, a baguette sounds great!...I'll have the steak...diet coke, please.), I've enjoyed the dumbest things (re: diet coke...with an egg...on an english muffin! all together! can you imagine the PB's!). It's been a joy to not be the 'difficult one' or just feel like it. And, girls, you know the first place most of us gain (and sadly lose) weight is in the chest...and I'm quite happy with the top-half of my figure! Not to be gross, but being back to uh, 'regular' in terms of elimination has been so cool...seeing that most of the time I'm not praying for world peace, I'm praying to...well, you know....go. Yeah, being unfilled is kinda cool - one of our lapbanders rights, really - "you can undo it anytime, for any amount of time, and get it back to 100%." Sure, ok. Now onto...

The Bad
I can eat anything, and at times, find my old-school voracious appetite kicks in with vigor. My God, can I eat. Even my lovely girlfriend said, "Ya know, I kind of understand now why you were fat. You seem to put on weight faster than any normal person would - and unless you're sneaking food, you're not eating that much from where I'm sitting." True. Sing it, sister. Truth is, what I consider a "huge" amount of food doesn't really map to anything egregious; it's more a comparison to what I eat when properly banded. But hey - *This is why I have the bleepin' lapband.* Even my doctor once said I was "metabolism-challenged." Awesome. Anyhow, it's easy to be 'bad' and obviously, I tried for about 33 years pre-lapband to be 'good,' and didn't succeed then either. It's not exactly workin' out for me now.

The Ugly
I feel kinda like crap, to be honest. Not physically - but emotionally. It's hard to be back onto the willpower wagon; I don't have to work this hard anymore normally. And of course, I subscribe to "Hard work is good" but you fellow WLS people know, this isn't the kinda work that feels good. It's like carrying a 20-pound boulder around in circles but never actually building anything. Futile, hard, pointless, frustrating and unsuccessful.

I'm no dummy - I got the lapband because I proved to myself, over and over, that no matter how hard I worked to lose weight, no matter how well I ate or how few calories I took in - I couldn't do it consistently (i.e. forever). And it's somewhat depressing to realize that indeed, I rely on my band, bigtime. Though, in the same breath, duh! I mean, that's what I got it for! I was smart enough to know when to 'call it' per se; to throw in the towel and acknowledge 'I need help.' Well, it's no bowl of cherries to somewhat relive that difficult, humbling, painful decision. And here I am, sitting in that thought, antsy.

That all said - around Europe we're logging about 7.5-9.5 miles of walking per day! This can't hurt. I'm compensating for it though, with wine (I'm in France, for pete's sake! When in Rome...), occasional ice cream, crepes and well, bread. Ohhhhhh bread. Anyhow, I don't feel particularly fat; Jill comments that I view myself obsessively in the mirror (that may just be vanity though...who knows :) and based on what I see and how my close fit, honestly, I feel like I've held steady. I'm guessing I'm still hanging out around/about 170-173. I have no scale, opting not to pack it :) I get home on June 13 and couldn't get in for my re-fill until June 21st.

I can't wait, actually, to have it back - truth be told. BUT, staying unfilled for this trip feels like it was the 100% right decision. I always thought I'd never be one of "those people" who got unfilled for a trip or event; and likely wouldn't have thought to had it not be necessary so close to my departure. Phew! I've not blown up like a whale, but I'll be glad when I can relax again and just get back to the rules - rules that are easier to follow with immediate consequences when I don't. Here's to gearing up for Lapband Round 2: Getting to Goal - 155, baby.

Hope you all are well!