6-Month Plastics Anniversary!

Well, it's been 6 months since my plastic surgery. Here's a little update - I'll be relatively general, but am including a few details for those of you thinking or planning on plastics.

Overall, I'd say I'm 100% happy with my outcome and would do it again in a heartbeat. Let's start at the top...

My boobs are great. I love them. Truth be told, the, uh, centers don't exactly line up if I'm braless, and they never seem to ever...uh, go flat, if you know what I mean. So, a padded bra is a requirement or I feel a little naked. They themselves, overall, are very symmetrical though and a fantastic size (though, once I get my last 15-20 pounds off, I know they'll feel too small to me...but I'm used to being a DDD, not a C, barely). I can, if I'm feeling like it, go braless! This is exciting from an anti-gravity point of view. The scars are minimal and to be expected. Sometimes, if I lay on my tummy wrong, they can hurt, and the incisions sometimes still get tender when I bloat up a bit each month. I have 100% complete sensation in the chest area too. All that said, it's expected for Year 1 and ok with me.

For the lower body lift was a bigger deal and continues to be. The scar is, well, undeniable. But, again, I'll take a flat tummy with scar over the alternative any day. My hips and belly below the belly-button are still numb - expected up to 1 year. When the numbness subsides, those areas hurt for a bit, kind of achy more than anything. I still feel tight here and there, and sitting for too long in a position that puts pressure on the scar can be less than fun. Complaints? Well, I have a fairly flat butt (did before though, too - but now it's worse), my belly button is oh-so-slightly off center, and the scar is still a bit lumpy in areas (to the touch, not sight). But again, I am really not complaining in the scheme of things. I love my new body!

So, that's the update, and here's a full length photo for kicks. I still feel like a "big girl" but not a "fat girl." There is a difference! I am getting re-filled in a week or so and looking forward to lobbing off the last bit. Then, perhaps, I can focus on something else in life! Oy!

p.s. One other PS thought - I do find now I focus on the remaining fatty places, upper arms, upper back above the bra, and calves...I think we're never happy with our bodies 100%. However, I still love it more now than ever before!

Lap-Banders: Do Not Try This At Home!




So, how's it going for empty-band-Jenn? Well, it's odd - to be honest. Here is the good, bad & ugly of being unfilled while traveling in Europe.

The Good
I won't lie. I'm a glutton, perhaps that's why I'm still housing a fat-girl soul...and it's been fun. Being unfilled. I've been able to be an easy travel companion (sure, a baguette sounds great!...I'll have the steak...diet coke, please.), I've enjoyed the dumbest things (re: diet coke...with an egg...on an english muffin! all together! can you imagine the PB's!). It's been a joy to not be the 'difficult one' or just feel like it. And, girls, you know the first place most of us gain (and sadly lose) weight is in the chest...and I'm quite happy with the top-half of my figure! Not to be gross, but being back to uh, 'regular' in terms of elimination has been so cool...seeing that most of the time I'm not praying for world peace, I'm praying to...well, you know....go. Yeah, being unfilled is kinda cool - one of our lapbanders rights, really - "you can undo it anytime, for any amount of time, and get it back to 100%." Sure, ok. Now onto...

The Bad
I can eat anything, and at times, find my old-school voracious appetite kicks in with vigor. My God, can I eat. Even my lovely girlfriend said, "Ya know, I kind of understand now why you were fat. You seem to put on weight faster than any normal person would - and unless you're sneaking food, you're not eating that much from where I'm sitting." True. Sing it, sister. Truth is, what I consider a "huge" amount of food doesn't really map to anything egregious; it's more a comparison to what I eat when properly banded. But hey - *This is why I have the bleepin' lapband.* Even my doctor once said I was "metabolism-challenged." Awesome. Anyhow, it's easy to be 'bad' and obviously, I tried for about 33 years pre-lapband to be 'good,' and didn't succeed then either. It's not exactly workin' out for me now.

The Ugly
I feel kinda like crap, to be honest. Not physically - but emotionally. It's hard to be back onto the willpower wagon; I don't have to work this hard anymore normally. And of course, I subscribe to "Hard work is good" but you fellow WLS people know, this isn't the kinda work that feels good. It's like carrying a 20-pound boulder around in circles but never actually building anything. Futile, hard, pointless, frustrating and unsuccessful.

I'm no dummy - I got the lapband because I proved to myself, over and over, that no matter how hard I worked to lose weight, no matter how well I ate or how few calories I took in - I couldn't do it consistently (i.e. forever). And it's somewhat depressing to realize that indeed, I rely on my band, bigtime. Though, in the same breath, duh! I mean, that's what I got it for! I was smart enough to know when to 'call it' per se; to throw in the towel and acknowledge 'I need help.' Well, it's no bowl of cherries to somewhat relive that difficult, humbling, painful decision. And here I am, sitting in that thought, antsy.

That all said - around Europe we're logging about 7.5-9.5 miles of walking per day! This can't hurt. I'm compensating for it though, with wine (I'm in France, for pete's sake! When in Rome...), occasional ice cream, crepes and well, bread. Ohhhhhh bread. Anyhow, I don't feel particularly fat; Jill comments that I view myself obsessively in the mirror (that may just be vanity though...who knows :) and based on what I see and how my close fit, honestly, I feel like I've held steady. I'm guessing I'm still hanging out around/about 170-173. I have no scale, opting not to pack it :) I get home on June 13 and couldn't get in for my re-fill until June 21st.

I can't wait, actually, to have it back - truth be told. BUT, staying unfilled for this trip feels like it was the 100% right decision. I always thought I'd never be one of "those people" who got unfilled for a trip or event; and likely wouldn't have thought to had it not be necessary so close to my departure. Phew! I've not blown up like a whale, but I'll be glad when I can relax again and just get back to the rules - rules that are easier to follow with immediate consequences when I don't. Here's to gearing up for Lapband Round 2: Getting to Goal - 155, baby.

Hope you all are well!

She's Come Unfilled....

So much to report, so much space on the internet. Well that works out now doesn't it...

I don't know where to start but I will update you first on lap-band related stuff. A couple weeks ago, I gained like 4 pounds outta no where. It was weird, and concerning. Then I noticed I was PB'ing a lot. A lot. The kicker was the night that I was literally up all night with burning reflux.

Yeah, you heard me. Reflux.

Bandsters know that the lapband instantly cures reflux - so now, reflux = early slippage sign. Coupled with PB's and weight gain, I called my surgeon and went in for an unfill. My fluid was right at 2.0 cc's - and I hadn't had a fill since last summer! I guess I'm not much prone to evaporation...so I asked, "how much will you be putting back in?" And the nurse explained that nowadays, they leave you unfilled for 2 weeks.

So what else could I do but have a full-on panic attack and burst into tears? Fully convinced for 2-3 minutes that I'd surely explode and blow up to 262 before walking out of the office....I eventually collected myself. I agreed, fine, whatev'...I mean, she has the needle. And I can't exactly refill myself.

Next up I had to meet with Dr. Billing, my surgeon, who uttered these unexpected words, "Jenn, you're going to Europe in 3 weeks - just stay unfilled until after your trip. Eat some bread in France." Panic attack, take 2. "That's like almost 6 weeks! I'll surely blow up like a balloon." He assured me that it's ok to be unfilled for a few weeks, and that I was a good lil' patient who would likely not gain much more than 5 - 10 pounds.

FIVE TO TEN POUNDS?!?!?!?! Ok, WLS folks, you get the panic attack #3 that ensued.

But, after lots of thought, careful consideration and well, rolling the proverbial dice...I have decided to do just that: I will be unfilled a total of about 6 weeks when they fill'er back up on June 21st. And, indeed, I'll experience Europe puke-free this time. Jill & I leave on Friday! Edinburgh, Amsterdam, London & Paris (for my birthday!!)...

So how has it been? I won't lie to you:
- It sucks.
- I miss my band.
- I am indeed WAY more hungry without it.
- I am definitely eating more. A LOT MORE.
- Yeppers, weight has come back, but I'm weighing in daily and have stayed within 2 pounds of my doctor visit weight of (cringe, it almost hurts to type this) 170.
- I realize "i did the work" but I must say, the band does a shitload of it for me.
- I miss being full, and staying that way for a long time after a smallish meal.

Ok, the good, again I won't lie: I've cheerfully taken a dive in to no-lap-band-land and eaten...EGGS! Salad! Diet Pepsi. Bread, a couple times. Pizza, too many times. A burrito. I've taken big bites, and chewed poorly. I've drank giant glasses of water with food. In tandem. I've drank water to wash down the aforementioned big, poorly chewed bite, and nothing has flown back out!

Sure, it's been fun to eat the things I "can't" normally. But here are Jenn's words'o'wisdom: Don't think it's all good. I feel like shit, or, relative shit - I remember how tired I was from eating too many carbs...I've had heartburn from eating tomato sauce, oy, yeah, those were the days.

Bottom line: My lap-band RULES. I would be fat without it, as I was before, and well, as much as I'd like to not depend on it - I do. And I'll be happy to have'er back.

Here's a little update of me a few days pre-unfill:



Not the most flattering angle, but you get the gist.
Hope everyone is well! I'll be posting from across the pond, to my other Photo Blog, starting this coming weekend!

Holy Crap!

Whoa! Have I had some serious life change since I last posted. Where do I start? Ok, first, everything is ok!

Yesterday was my last day at my job - my job of 10 years! I worked (as most of you know) for Adobe Systems. It was time, and I am now happily unemployed! I will be posting more now that I'll have time on my hands. Promise!

Update on WLS stuff - so, with all the transition going on, I decided to sit steady at 163-165 pounds. I'll write more on this later, but I was killing myself and it was just too much stress. I hit my 3-month plastics anniversary this past weekend, and I have my formal appointment next week. Here are a few shots of me now!The one of me and a bowling ball was taken by a tipsy friend, but I was surprised to just see my body - it still shocks me! The other is me at my desk, on my 2nd to last day. More soon!

Lap-bandin', Weight-Watchin'...

Tuesday, I went to my surgeon's Lap-Band support group for the first time in ages. I'm reminded that it is just so individual, the experience we have with our bands. One woman said, "I feel like I am on a diet every day for the rest of my life..." and there were nods around the room. Another piped up and said, "Wow, my experience is the opposite - I don't feel like I'm dieting at all!" I'm in the camp of the latter (yay!)...though, lately, I am on a diet everyday actually - but that's not about the band. It's more about me getting back to center on calorie intake, healthy habits and awareness.



Which leads to me how the WW'ing is going: Good! I weighed in this morning at a spry 163.8 - that's almost 2 pounds in 10 days! In 1.8 more pounds, I hit 100!! I mean considering how stuck I was feeling, it's amazing if you just (duh!) restrict your calories a little, exercise a little, drink more water and be aware....one loses weight. ;) Seriously though - the biggest changes for me are:

1) I'm drinking my water - 64 oz. (8 - 8oz servings) per day!
2) Alcohol consumption is minimal - I went out a lot and always got a drink without thinking. Now I get water a lot of the time, and when I do drink it's the low carb (re: dirty martini or red wine...) option. And alcohol is a lot of WW 'points' - most of the time I'd rather get to eat something.
3) Down with cheese! I know, this is shocking because I'm such a huge, huge fan of cheese. I will report I've not bought any 'nice' french or other cheeses since I started. Rather, I'm eating those silly little Laughing Cow "light" rounds. They're tastey, and 50 calories (1 point).
4) Portion Control: Yes, this is an issue even with a lapband. Somehow, I can easily chow down 1/2 c of almonds, for example. One (2-point) serving is 12 almonds. That is not 1/2 cup for sure...that 1/2 cup has about 3x the calories!

I've been walking about 1 hour/day again - I just dig it! I will work in the gym, etc. as needed, but to be honest, I lost the bulk of my weight getting up at 6:15 a.m., walking from about 6:20 - 7:20 each day, and then getting to work by 8:00 - done with the exercise (check!) and energized to boot. So, as long as I lose, I'm gonna stick to exercise I actually enjoy, rather than forcing myself into activities that feel emotionally hard...until I need to in order to lose, anyhow.

In other quick news, I had my "scar treatment" appointment with my PS yesterday. I got this silicone stuff to wear for 3 months (!!!) 20 hours/day. It's a nuisance to be honest but they've been right about everything else so far. I still get tight in my abdomen if I sit for a long time, and that left side - boy - they sewed that up teeee-ight! Sometimes I still get that "I'm gonna split in two" spasmy feel, but it passes. All in all, still 100% happy as a clam about my plastics! At 8 weeks, I can do a sit-up, and start going to yoga again. I may also try pilates - Jill is a big, big fan, and I figure, why not try something new?

Sorry for the absence and slow updates. I'll try to do better next week!
xoxo

WW to Finish!

Just wanted to let you know that I signed up for Weight Watchers online in an effort to lose my last 11-15 pounds. Actually, it set my goal at 150, and today I weighed in at 166.6...so, I'm aiming for a 16.6 loss and we'll go from there.

It's super cool in that it gives not only a way to track food intake, but little checkboxes for water, veggies/fruit servings, vitamin, etc. so you can also track healthy habits (which I'll admit, have been a struggle for me...can't seem to get a vitamin down the hatch to save my life!). I realize that while I've lost all this weight, there are other aspects of having a healthy body besides being at a "normal" weight. For example, I'm still eating too much of some things for a healthy heart (yeah, yeah, the cheese...), using artificial sweetners/chemicals as a crutch (crystal light...), and not getting in many fruits & veggies (and then complaining about my...uh, fiber-challenged body).

Anyhow, now with the clearance to exercise again, a 2nd wind (so to speak) from my joy around my post-plastics bod, I'm gunning it to my end-goal! My weigh-in day is Monday, and I'm going to post it here, too - even if it's ugly.

This entry is mostly to ask for accountibility from all y'all...but also a little pitch to those of you who may need a similar mechanism to continue your own weight loss. So, if there's any appeal, consider signing up - you get a week for free, and then it's $65 for the first 3 months. I chose the "flexible" plan where you count points (you all know how i love to track stuff) - but there is one with "no counting" as well! I figure, I paid thousands for my lap-band; another $65 toward the effort is a drop in the bucket...and I know that for me, structure yields the best results for my body (and soul, for that matter).

So here's a link. If you sign up, let me know! It's interesting balancing and integrating general weight loss philosophy/rules with the lap-band rules - it's completely doable - and I'd love some other folks who are working through the same adjustments to swap ideas, successes and failures:

www.weightwatchers.com/free

Thanks for all of your love & support down to 166.6 - here's to finishing!
~jenn

Hey!

Hi everyone! First, I wanted to thank so many of you who have written such nice comments to me lately :) They make me smile, and also happy that I blog!

What do I have to report? Not too much, really. Still healing along - I'm allowed to work out (no impact) but have been going to the gym and doing stairs or elliptical or walking (outside) everyday. My weight is still where it was, but I have to be patient - I did have 13 pounds lobbed off, and then dropped another 4-5 during recovery - that's a good month's work. I just need to sit tight, but I'm anxious about the last 11 pounds...

I'm wearing 12's that are big on me, which is cool. I'm still swollen, but in a way that is normal and expected. I had to go to Portland for work and on the drive home I could feel myself swelling up! I got home and my loose jeans had become tight - so I'm trying to keep moving and yet, not overdo it...all in all though, I'm still kickin' along, getting my energy back, etc.

Last - can I rant? I yet again ran into someone who made the reference that people who lose weight without WLS "work their asses off to lose weight" as if we don't! GRrrrrrrr! Like, last time I checked, everyone I know who's had WLS has um, worked. Just a little bit. No? Really now...

Bad Jenn!

Where did I go? I don't know, but once I was freed from the couch seems I've neglected my blogging responsibilities! So, let me catch you up...

Once the drains were out, I puffed up like a little sausage. Not fun! And since, I've learned that when skinny people PMS, the bloat is not only noticeable, it's undeniable! I think when I was fat, and extra inch or two of bloat was hardly noticable - now, it means a different pair of pants need to be put on. I look like I'm three months pregnant! That said, at my follow-up appointment, Melissa quickly determined that it was indeed just swelling and no fluid retention, which in the realm of medicine, is good news. I was kinda hoping she could just make it go away. Alas...two months before the swelling is gone.

I was overdoing it. Imagine. So Jill whisked me away to a no-internet-no-cellphone space so I'd chill and be ready to go back to work - which happened this past Monday. I had to hold still and lay on my back for 3 days after the drains came out, and to be honest, restful days = less puffy days.

Last weekend, I had the amazing experience of shopping with the lay people - normal sized clothes people. First, I didn't spend a lot - it's like I have a little innertube around my waist where my incision is...I'm a size 12 with it, and expect to be a 10 without it - plus I have 11 pounds to go...so, I went to Tar-gay, and Macy's sale rack, and the JC Boutique (that's Penney's). I spent not much, and rounded out enough of a woredrobe to go back to work. My sister and I were across the hall from one another trying on clothes for the first time in our lives!

Earlier in the week, I needed undies...Jill and I went to the mall and I walked by some place that said, "5 for $25 Undies" and my hips were killing me and I was like, "perfect!" so we went in, I picked 4, she picked one...then I saw sale bras. As of drains-out day, I was allowed to remove the chest binder! Bras, provided no underwire or push-ups, were permitted so I grabbed two "sports bras" that actually look like regular bras! Then, I was like, "Jill, what is this store? Where are we??" She said, "Uh, Victoria's Secret....do you not see all of the "VS's" all around??" I realized I'd never been in one. Funny! I went back with my sister Julie and got a few more.

Otherwise, I also accomplished clearing out every single article of clothing now too big. Every drawer, closet, on-the-floor-under-the-bed piece of clothing was tried on. I got rid of undies, bras, pants galore and some shirts. I let it all go! It felt great!!!

Lastly, getting back to work has been rougher than expected. First, sitting/being mobile all day is a switch. Using my brain in such a different capacity for 8 hours in the same day has proven exhausting (yeah, my job, as it turns out, is more challenging than surfing the web, watching Arrested Development and sleeping...). And, the swelling is not as tolerable when you have to sit up all day...so I've been doing some good working from home, lying on my couch, laptop propped up on pillows on my belly. Gettin' it done, but feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed - it wasn't the piece of cake I'd hoped it would be, but I'm sure it's more the transition/adjustment than the actual work.

Overall, I'm still 100% delighted with my outcome! My chest is in good order, I've had minor incision pain for the first time (at 4 weeks...weird!) but usually only after I've gone braless for a bit - so I keep a sports bra, or the little t-shirty bra from target on and all is well. My waist is swollen in the front (have I mentioned that???) and across my hips in a bumpy way; I am to massage it whenever I think to...so I do. It's not the most fun thing but hey, in the realm of recoveries, I cannot complain! The incision itself is symmetrical, healing well, and I am I truly happy about it.

Sorry for the hiatus, getting back to life again zapped my energy and time! I'm going either this Friday or next for my official 1-month photos and I see the doctor himself for the first time (complication-free peeps only see the nurse, which is fine by me!).

Day 16: Things are looking quite bright!

This morning I finally got my drains out, and also they removed the stitches from my waistline incision. My chest is healing great, and I was allowed to switch from the binder to a sports bra! How normal :) I am still bound at the waistline for a while more, but that is ok. Removal of drains requires 3 days back on the couch, but I'm ok with that. Tomorrow, I can shower! Considering I haven't since December 11th, this is very exciting to say the least! (I've mastered the sink bath though, no smelly Jenn here!). My incisions overall are better than I'd hoped and are healing as expected.

I don't really have anything riveting to update except that every day is better and better, I feel good but still tire quickly and easily, and I'm still super happy with my results. Today Jill snapped photos from behind at the doctor's office and seeing the whole picture of me'backside was awesome - what an amazing difference!!! I have some photos - they certainly aren't offensive, but I hesitate to post. Just comment with your email address and I will send them if you're interested!

Good News, Bad News...

The bad news is mama'z still draining too much to have them out tomorrow...and with the holiday, I have to wait until Tuesday. Balls. Ah well, I'd rather drain it out than have it collect inside, bloat me out and cause extra swelling. I'm all for following the rules on this, 100%. That's the bad news.

The good news is that I got permission to wash my compression garments, which means I used the timer on my camera to take these two shots for y'all:

Let's all say it together: "Money Well Spent"

All of you WLS folks emailing me who want me to convince your hubbies/significant others that this is worth the dough, give me their email. I'll convince them with just a few before and after shots :) - and I'll throw in a few genuine, honest, tear-jerking paragraphs as well. Because for real - I've had to just sit here and stare at myself to believe that I'm finally in the body I have always felt was stuck in there somewhere...

Flat

So, today I just was thinking I might try to leave the house tonight for maybe an hour in real clothes. It's good for me to move around at this point, and 1-hour is about what I've got in me. So, played it super low-key all day, and then went to my closet to try to figure up something to wear. I've been dying to try on clothes!

I start putting on some things. I was trying to be creative in dealing with the drains/fanny pack. As a lesbian, it is a cultural/fashion faux pas to have a fanny pack, just as having a mullet, wearing birkenstocks and clogs, are all very cliche - (not that I don't/haven't done these things, say, in the early 90's (never a mullet though)) - but the fanny pack is the crowning jewel of unhip lesbian fashion.

I realized I was kinda lumpy because Melissa had put some gauze inside my waist binder - knowing I'm feeling so much better, I thought, "I'm gonna ditch the gauze..." and then, well, I couldn't stand it. I popped off both binders, hooked the drains to my undies and finally took a look at myself, fairly naked, upright.

And stood in front of the mirror. And stood. Turned. Starred. Stood.

I took a pic with my cell phone and sent it to Jill. I called my sister, at work 1 mile away, and asked her to come over *right now* if she could.

HOLY SHIT I HAVE A FLAT STOMACH, CURVES, A PERFECT BELLY BUTTON AND A PERKY CHEST.

This thought played like the MSN crawl through my mind until my sister showed up...

"Holy smokes Jennifer!" She said. Julie and I have similar bone structure, and indeed, aside from the scars and stretch marks, sagging upper arms and flabby inner thighs (sigh), in many ways, we have a very similar look to us now. I got on the scale, in just undies and still a few bandages, and weighed in at 166.8. Zowee!! But more importantly, I have like a six-pack stomach, I mean, it's like, muscular looking and flat and firm and and and...I guess I just couldn't get over it. Clearly.

I should get my drains out Friday (please, please) and at that point, I'll get a shot in some shorts and a jog bra up. I'm just continually shocked. I heart my surgeon. But I still am struggling with the fanny pack...alas.

Seriously

Here's me, about an hour or so ago. Mind you, these are "old" jeans that still work since I'm wearing compression garments and gauze and swelling. Just thought I'd offer a contrast shot from Christmas 2004... Give me a little time and I'll get some actual, post-plastics swelling, finish up of the last 13 pounds, etc. pix for y'all. I'm actually beginning to see myself as a totally normal looking girl. How'bout that?

A Day In The Life...

Getting better is hard. Seriously. One has to considerably lower the bar in terms of what the definition of "achievement" or "productivity" looks like. For example, each day, I'm trying to walk a bit farther OR faster (but not yet both); do at least one "special activity points" task and break a small sweat at least once.

Today, it looked like this:

8:00: Bathe. This is more of a chore than you can imagine. Emotionally, my self-talk through this process reminds me of a run around Greenlake. It goes a little like this:

Getting started: awesome Jenn, look at you! you can clean yourself!
About 1/2 way: Cool, body clean, just need to wash your hair...
Clean Girl: Ok, now, wash you face...that's it, keep going...brush those teeth...
To the bedroom: Lotion. Just put it on. It's good. You'll feel soft, it's winter...no skipping this step or you will be itchy all day and mad at yourself!
Get Dressed: Oh, I know, you're getting pooped, but you're in the home stretch!
Dry hair: Ok, this is hard. But you can sit on your little stool for this. It won't take long....
Last Little Bit, C'mon Girl!: Throw a few curling iron twirls through the ole' mop, pop in a barrett, eyeliner......mascara......face powder.

And we're back on the couch, exhausted.

10:30 a..m: Walk the one block to Lighthouse Coffee. Now, this one is easy as there is a true 'carrot' at the midway point in the form of a rockstar coffee. (Note: Now that I am dating *yes, officially* Jill, who actually owns a coffeeshop in a totally different yet nearby neighborhood, I may need to rescind my unadulturated gushing about how Lighthouse is the best coffeehouse in Seattle...perhaps now, I will at a minimum equate it to her very cool shop, Cloud City Coffee). But I digress (imagine...)...

12:00 Lunch Date: My pal Kirsten came by with the awesome soup from the Greek place by work, and a pita. We visit, it's fun! She leaves, I rest...

3:00 Special Activity - Laundry!: I start the small load of whites, noting the 3 p.m. time. Tidy up the living room and kitchen, just put some stuff away, wipe the counters, gather up the trash. Fold some existing laundry...I'm so proud, thinking I've worked for a good hour! Broken my requisite sweat for the day even...I land on the couch to find the time at a whoopin' 3:18. That's it's folks - I got 18 minutes of energy in me.

4:00 Kate pops by, having run a few errands for me. We visit. It's low key and nice.

Then I putter, watch TV, rat-tat-tat on my computer...Samantha pops over. Kels comes home from work. Samantha leaves. Anh pops over with an absolutely FABULOUS new shirt for me for Christmas...I can't wait to wear it!! Anh takes off, meanwhile though Jill has arrived and we order dinner which she picks up, and then we just hang out and visit until she has to take off....

And that's a day in the life of Jenn right now. Riveting, no? It's funny how in normal life, I'd look at a day like this as unproductive but right now, I sleep well knowing I'm progressing!

Tuesday: Hoping to walk 2 blocks, need to put laundry away, and I think run the vacuum. The Samantha/Anita duo are coming tonight and making soup for dinner - I'm still just a little bit 'Martha, ya know? Gotta clean up for company!

p.s. Body is holding up well. I'm still doing Tylenol every 4 hours + the anti-biotic, occasional Benedryl when I get itchy around the incisions. My sides are sooooo tight sometimes it feels like I might tear in 2, but I don't....and honestly, the most discomfort is still the drain entry points, which I should only have to deal with through the end of the week, and I can handle that. For all that was done to this lil' bod of mine, I'd say the discomfort level really isn't something to be complained about!

OH YEAH, and for the love of gawd, I sneezed for the first time yesterday and thought my stomach was going to rupture to the tune of Sigourney Weaver birthing an alien. It didn't, but I did confirm that I sneeze about 1/week, and that indeed, each and every abdominal muscle you have comes heartily into play when you sneeze.

Introducing: My New Chest!

For the first time since around 5th grade, braless!! I got this tank top a few weeks ago just for this post :) Check out Blue Platypus for some really cool shirts! But, more importantly, check out below for some really cool boobs. :)

The Past Week Has Been a Blur...

I feel like I'm starting to be able to rejoin the real world. For a bit, the only way I knew I'd spoken to someone was to review my "recently dialed calls" list on my cell phone during moments of lucidity (i.e., almost time for next dose of meds...)...no joke! I am on Day 5 I guess, not counting surgery day, and I am off narcotics!! Or, at least I'm trying to be - I'm taking tylenol and seeing how I do. Still wiped out and tired - but able to give myself a very respectable sponge bath (mobility has MUCH improved) and feel clean and tidy enough. All bodily functions have resumed - without giving any details - but those who've had surgery know this is a big deal...

I'm a little achy here and there, still negotiating two drains (which are housed in my very fashionable fanny pack) and of course, I'm bound up from hips to chest in a velcro body-wrap and industrial bra. Sexy. It's weird to be squeezed all the time. I suppose it's like getting a constant, somehwhat relentless, hug. Coughing is still no joy, and bending over to say, put socks on, is still not possible. But I can get up and down without wincing, walk across the street and up and down the block...and I even cleaned the bathroom sink. Will the small miracles ever cease? ;)

But here is the crux of this post...I am sad about my boobs.

I think I'm actually grieving the loss of my big boobs, or, perhaps moreso, my identity as a big-boobed girl. I know, I know "this is what YOU wanted Jenn!" true - but hear me out. Though I'd been asking my mom for a breast reduction since about 6th grade, at some point as a teen/early adult, despite being fat, I started to identify - in a good way - with being a girl of ample bosom. It was like, "well, at least I've got that" "that" being one part of my body that was not only societially accepted, but actually celebrated/approved. Am I making sense? So along with the 95% of my body that was essentially "unapproved" (fat) in having the plastic surgery, I also kinda gave up the one part that I think made me feel like I was 'ok' in the past - my giant chest. And mind you, I easily could've opted for implants and kept myself a healthy D or bigger - but I never gave that a thought. I've already got one foreign object in me (my lap band) and I had no need or interest in any more. I never even considered this.

All that said, I had a little moment last night where I just felt some sadness as I looked at my new, C-cup, cute, perky, adorable lil' boobs. They're awesome by anyone's standard - not to toot my own horn, but rather to toot my surgeon's - he did a seriously bang up job. They fit my new body and honestly, look way better than I expected. But still, they are a mere shadow of their former selves...but then again, so am I. I cheated and weighed myself: 171. Wow, 16 lbs, much of which will go with recovery/swelling reduction and I'm at my glorious goal weight of 155.




I am ok with this - and I will adapt and surely embrace the new ta-ta's (ya know, braless in a fabulous dress, for example :) but, I think I may need to just be a little sad and pay homage to what they once were before I get there. And that's ok - this whole losing a person's worth of fat is a process, and honoring these steps keep me emotionally healthly - not doing so just stuffs down feelings that are there regardless of whether or not I deal with them. It's just funny how though the whole thing is exactly what I wanted, yet it's also true that nothing this big and life-changing comes without some serious emotional processing and work. I'm 'in' though, so I know it will be ok!

xoxo, from my seemingly permanent position on my couch,
~jenn

So, What's It Been Like?

I will not diminish the intensity of the past 4 or 5 days - but I will say that all things considered, I rate myself a hearty "B+" in terms of recovery. Why? Well, on Wednesday, I managed to get myself up and to the toilet and back down onto the couch. Small achievement to some, but huge for me. Wearing the compression garments (girdle and industrial bra) is odd - sometimes it's hard to differentiate between actual skin/incision tightness vs. the binder. By Thursday, I essentially have been able to get and up and down entirely on my own many, many times/day! I've bathed myself along twice and had help once washing my hair. All in all, I feel far less gross that I anticipated.

Yesterday was my 4-day appointment. I had my pain pump removed (it took 5 seconds, no pain) and all of the steri-strips covering all incisions removed, wounds washed and new steri's put on. I got another look at myself and am still quite pleased with the results. Having always had an ample bosom, it's still odd to look down and see these cute little C cups boobies - but they fit my body and really look amazing! Interestingly, the do all the stiches under the skin and use the strips to hold the outside layer of skin together. This leaves a hairline scar as time goes on. However, there are some herkin' stiches along the waistline as that area requires much more reinforcement. Oh, and my 'new' belly button looks really cool too - all in all, I couldn't be happier at this stage.

Melissa said I was doing really well, and that some people just come in with attitudes that work against their recovery. Needless to say, I am so excited and motivated to get better, there is no question that it's helping to move things along. For now, I'm still bound up (1 month), drains we're looking at next Wednesday or so for removal (he haw!) and then they take your 1-month photos. My surgeon popped in to check a few things and I told him I worshipped him and was so thankful and pleased with the job he did. Honestly, looking at the before/after shots, the guy has a gift.

Oh yea, I wanted to post about what I'm eating! As you bandsters can imagine, I'm terrified of stuckage/PB's - my abs hurt when I cough, move etc. sooooo bad that the last thing I'd want to have to do is a PB. To that end, I've basically put myself back on liquids/mushies. I've had 2-3 protein shakes/day, 2 small yogurts (the kind that come in a 6-pack), crackers, and applesauce. I did have a tiny bit of tuna salad and cheese one night too. The good news is that it's resetting my clock - no sugar, caffiene, alcohol. And, outside of sugar, I imagine caffeine and alcochol will be back in the mix eventually, it's always good to hit that reset button. I'm overall not terribly hungry, but I'm not repulsed at the notion of eating either. Oh, and Im' doing 1-3 of those Airbornne things - basically tasty liquid vitamins. And I've been drinking like a fish...hence, peeing like crazy, which is good motivation for getting up and down over and over.

The two biggest bummers: Mother Nature decided to grace me with my period. Yep, fun times managing that when you really can't bend over or reach things very easily. Second, the site where the two lower drains are inserted are a little ouchy, but c'mon, all things considered, I'm delighted in my recovery so far!

Plastics Are Done!!!

Hi all! I had my plastics on Monday 12/11 at 7 a.m. I had red carpet treatment, things move quickly and I was hardly nervous. Jill (girl i am dating) took loads of pix while the surgeon marked me up. Next thing I knew I was in recovery! They removed 13 pounds of skin!!

Everything has kinda ended up as I expected - holy abdominal pain, batman...I had catheter the first night so I could sleep well. Tuesday, went in and got to see the preliminary product!! They removed bandages and I almost cried. I am not kidding - I have the cutest boobs ever (to me, anyhow). a nice belly button and a flat tummy! The boobs ended up a average C - smaller than he had thought they would end up but they look great! My mom was there and said, "jennifer, I don't recall you ever having such a perky chest...well, maybe when you were 10." And went on to say she was jealous of them :) They redressed the wounds, removed the breast drains and got me all tidied up.

The last two days have consisted drugs and sleep... Oxycodone every 4 hours, an antibiotic every 6 hours along with a homeopathic combo the surgeon gave me for swelling and bruising (which, after 1 day, I had a small 2" segment of bruising on my left hip)...and a valium at night to assure good sleep! It's day 3 today, and I got up to pee all alone 4 times, gave myself a little sponge-bath and my pal Vickie who has been taking care of me at her house washed my hair for me! It does seem as long as I stay on top of the drugs, I really have no pain except for getting up and down, and a little stinging at one of the drain sites.

I have a load of pix which I'm happy to share with other WLS folks considering a LBL or breast lift. Just comment here with you email address (I'll delete it once I get it) and I'll send you a few. For now though, I thought a before & after tummy shot wouldn't offend anyone...so how'bout them apples??

Surgery on Monday!

Check out today's horoscope:

Here is your horoscope for Friday, December 8:

It's time for you to shed those last traces of hesitation and take a leap of faith. Your willingness to lay everything on the line and go for that make-or-break choice will reward you beyond anything you've imagined.

Here's some information about what's going to happen. I'll try to post again before, but if not, I'm certain to post after.

- I am having two primary procedures: LBL (Lower Body Lift) and a BL (breast lift - mastopexy)
- The estimated time of surgery is 9 hours (yes, I know, 9 hours is long...I get that)
- I will have an incision around my entire waist, front to back, but the way I carry my weight is good and so my scar will be low around my hips; I will have "anchor" incisions on my breasts, which means below them in a c-shape, a line up and then a circle around the nipple area (which should keep all sensation/functionality based on how he's doing it).
- They will sew up my abdominal muscles to tighten them and give me more of a waist - this is the primary pain that I will have after the surgery; hardly anyone complains of incision pain.
- I will keep my belly button, but it will be repositioned based on my "new" stomach landscape.
- They expect to remove between 5-12 pounds of skin/fat, etc.
- Liposuction will only be used if needed for contouring of the skin.

Here are links to photos of both procedures completed by my surgeon if you are interested in seeing the outcome of these types of surgeries:

LBL: http://www.egrari.com/gallery/wl_body_contouring/wl_1.shtml
BL: http://www.egrari.com/gallery/breast_lift/breast_lift_1.shtml - NOTE: I am getting Mastopexy alone; no augmentation (which means implants). They're just hiking them up, not adding (good lord!) anything to them.

Here also is a helpful link that explains the process for the BL with drawings:
http://www.plasticsurgery.org/patients_consumers/procedures/Mastopexy.cfm

They do not have one for LBL, but this shows the procedure for a tummy tuck, which is the key part of the LBL:
http://www.plasticsurgery.org/patients_consumers/procedures/Abdominoplasty.cfm

Hope everyone is doing well!
xoxo

This Lap-Bander's Thanksgiving Plate

Normalizing

One my of pals is always like, "Why ya gotta be all "I got a lapband" the first minute people meet you?" At first I was like, "Well, it's a little all-consuming..." But over time, I started to wonder the same thing. Like, when do I just get to be ya know, a semi-normal person who eats small portions?

So, I met this girl.

The first time we went out, I got some nachos. They were huge. So my picking at them really went unnoticed because no normal person would've really dented them.

The second time we went out, we went to this *amazing* place called Baguette Box. They make this stunning baguette sandwiches. But c'mon, we all know most bandsters aren't chowing down baguettes! So, I get the red-wine braised pork, open'er up, and eat the innards (about 1/2) with a fork, grabbing a little of the wine-soaked bread along the way. So, she gets the skirt steak baguette and you can see where this is going....she was done with the whole thing, and I hardly looked like I'd eaten.

She said, "Oh man, I am such a pig! You're hardly started and I ate that whole thing!!"

I put down my fork and came clean. The last thing I'd ever want is a girl, who I'm kinda digging, to feel like she was a pig because of my lapband! She was very gracious, curious and was then like, "oh, ok, now I feel better!" It's just a funny thing, I guess, the whole thing.

By the way - we're on date #6 now! Could be it??? We'll see. One day (date) at a time...