Liquid Failings...

I won't hold back - Thursday SUCKED. I did a couple things wrong and never recovered...

1) I let my blood sugar crash. DUMB GIRL! I had a soy mocha around 8:30, then didn't eat anything again until almost 1:00 - by then I was light-headed and woozie...had gatorade, a protein shake and a sugar free pudding. But, no luck - I still felt off all day. My new strategy is to eat every 2 hours or so, even if it's just 50-100 calories, and not let that happen again. No fun. After all that food, my blood sugar was about 110...so it had to have been wicked low. Ug!

2) I didn't take a nap! Ok, exhaustion does not help. I basically tried to push myself way too hard...I was trying to be "all better" which my body informs me I'm not. So, rest is in order for the next few days in order to be ready for work on Monday.

In other news, I caved on the liquid diet. I called my nutritionist after #1 above happened and said that I can't do it! She assured me I can, and allowed me to add pureed foods - nothing that has to be chewed. I was like, "AMEN!" - though it's largely mental, knowing that I can add some items of substance really helps me emotionally - things like hummus, thinned out mashed potatoes...though I did have my favorite vegan corn chowder for dinner - like a whole cup of it - and it was awesome! It felt so good to feel like I was actually eating...

Eating, however, continues to be interesting and difficult. Each time my belly is like, "um, yeah, what the **** are you doing here? why you gotta go and bug me like this?" followed up with a variety of digestive activities and usually some hearty trapped-gas pains in my chest and back. Joy! Eating is now a 5-second pleasure - the part when I get to actually eat - the rest is all a game of negotiating the impact. That said, this is the healing phase - it won't always be like this! But I won't lie and say that makes it any better in the moment...

Onward! I am starting to figure out my 'new body' and I'm sure as I do, things will get better and better. I have a 1 p.m. post-op doc appt. today, we'll see what he says...Michelle tells me though I feel like crap, I look fabulous. There's something :)

Turning Points...

So, yesterday brought several turning points.

- I took a shower - not much on earth can make you feel more human than a shower!
- Removed the dressings - I got to see my incisions, which are really not that bad. Four of them are literally smaller than 1 cm, one is about 1.5 cm and 1 is about 2 cm. They don't really hurt, but the biggest one is sore...I'll take it over a big fat "open" incision any day!
- Stopped the narcotics - I realized yesterday morning that most of my problem was feeling nauseous and dizzy - so I stopped the drugs at 6 a.m. yesterday and switched to liquid ibuprofen. It's working just fine with no side effects!
- My um, intestines "woke up" - no details here, but anyone who has ever had surgery knows that this is a true turning point in your body's healing and in feeling normal.
- Visitors Galore! I had four visits yesterday, all were short, but I was up for it which was good! (Thanks Julie, Amy, Mikey & Meg!)

I slept well again without waking up for over 8 hours, which is fantastic. I'm still tired out surprisingly easily at times when I don't expect it at all. I didn't make it to the Lighthouse yesterday, but did start off today with a decaf soy mocha which I walked over and got for myself (Michelle was along of course for moral support and to pick me up in case I tipped over... :)

Here's the thing though: I know I'm doing this recovery thing right because I'm not stir crazy, bored or frustrated. At times I really just lay down and relax and think about nothing. Those who know me know how big a deal that is! I'm hoping for continued improvement daily. Stay tuned.

The Titanic in My Tummy

So, being on a "full liquid" diet is something else. Today, I've eaten:

- Protein Shake for breakfast (3/4 c. unsweetened soy milk w/a protein mix)
- 1/3 c. broth and a cup of mint tea for lunch
- 1 pudding cup for a snack (I was starving! pudding feels like you actually ate food!)
- As much water as I can tolerate
- I plan on a soy mocha as my other big "meal" later in the day

Each time I eat, however, it's quite a little digestive festival in my tummy. It seems to take a good 20 minutes for things to 'calm down' ... After "breakfast," I had Michelle get her stethoscope to listen, since it sure felt like it would sound interesting. Indeed, she said it sounded like "the Titanic in the movie, just before it snapped in half...creeking, moaning..." Hm. So there you have it.

Body Pinball

So, I've mentioned the trapped air (CO2 gas) hanging out in my upper body, outside of the digestive tract giving it no actual escape route. To deal with it, you have to kind of think about stirring a glass of coke until the bubbles just dissipate - however, there's no way to um, actually stir. Instead there are three methods that can help: walking, a heating pad and chomping on gas-x. Now, I've been walking hourly as I'm supposed to (when awake) and took a gas-x, though I don't see what good it can do...

Last night, however, my back was killing me from the gas so I added the heating pad! Now, there was an impact! All of the sudden it felt the bubbles in my body were engaged in a hearty game of pinball - flying around...essentially, being stirred up! Now, only if you were in my shoes at the moment could you appreciate the utter joy this brings me. Everyone said the trapped air would be the worst part, and I have to agree...the incisions are sore but not intolerable, the headache is annoying but whatever. The air though is a bizarre, unfamiliar feeling (likely part of why it's so distressing) which is hard to target for relief, although a big shout out to Julie for the heating pad loan!!!

Otherwise, I'm doing ok. Slept about 11 hours straight last night, with Michelle bringing me my painkiller every 4 hours throughout the night, though I went right back to sleep each time. Feel free to email or call - I'll pick up/respond if I'm able. And I'll say it again - I appreciate everyone checking up on me! It's nice to feel loved when you're physically feeling like crapola.

The Big Dipper?

Well, I did it! Yesterday was the day, and I would say that overall, the experience exceeded my expectations. I went from being prepped to having a nurse say, "Jennifer, you're all done! Surgery is over!" - I have no recollection of going to the O.R., hence had no time for a last minute freak-out. Excellent!

I woke up and rated my pain a 6 on a 1-10 scale, not bad really - and had an immediate shot of demoral to bring it down to a spacey, loopy 2. From there, I was in my room by 10:30 a.m., slept until 2:00, had some "food" (broth, popsicles, juice...a proverbial carb-fest after the past two weeks!) and just rested most of the day. I took 1/2 doses of the liquid vicodin, which I tolerate well, and had various shots and IV drugs like antibiotics, blood thinners and insulin.

The good news: no nausea at all, just a little dizziness, no scratchy throat, no dry lips... The not-as-good-news: definitely sore belly, the CO2 trapped in my chest cavity has had its moments (no escape route, so you just feel a bit like a bloated whale), and overall I've had a low-grade headache. Oh, and it's hard to differentiate gas, headache and hunger - I'm sure my discomfort is a little of each, but I'm never quite sure what to do to resolve it....

Now, I'm on a liquid diet for a week which I will survive and overall, I'm really happy to be done with this part of it. I had a great experience and feel I got my money's worth - the hospital staff was fantastic, organized and I felt well-cared for.

So when I got home, I looked at my belly. I have 6 incisions - 5 of which are 12mm, and 1 that is 2 cm. What's funny, though, is that they are in the shape of the Big Dipper, minus one. I mean EXACTLY - I found this somewhat odd, but it made me happy in a twisted Jenn sort of way :)

p.s. Thanks again for all of the well-wishes! The cards, emails, text messages and calls and even "missed calls" have made me feel very loved :)

Do Not Eat the Pretzel Nugget

I'm just about off to the hospital....waiting for Michelle to finish getting ready.

So far, so good. I slept well, from about 10:30 - 3:30 without waking up, and the alarm was set for 4:15. However, I woke up at 3:30 to the horror that I'd eaten a single pretzel nugget and they cancelled my surgery. I argued that I'd spit most of it out, but they still sent me packing. It was horrible! Fortunately, I woke up utterly starved, so it was clear that no pretzel nugget had violated my digestive tract. Phew! Of all things though, a pretzel nugget...where do our dreams come from?

Otherwise, I'm about ready. Toothbrush, check. Deodorant, check. Clean underwear, check. iPod charged & synched, check. What else does a girl need?

I'm happy and relieved the day is finally here! Thanks for all of the well-wishes (I don't think my phone has rang so much as it did last night in years! ;) See you on what all of the "bandsters" on my message board call "the losing side" (ug!).

p.s. Perhaps a good omen is that I'm have a fantastic hair day! ;)

Nervous Tummy

Well, I'm nervous today, which I suppose is expected behavior. I realize that it's all out of my control at this point. I show up, do what they tell me, go under, wake up and start a new chapter of my life. Simple, in a way - but not so much in another way...

Wish me well! Think of me at 7:30 a.m. if you're up :) Thanks to all of your for your love and support through my decision-making process and leading up to the big day.

p.s. I lost about 9 pounds on the pre-op diet. Ra-hoo! A great way to start!

T minus 2 days...

Wow - I can't believe it's only two days away! I'm definitely a one-topic girl at the moment...(sorry everyone). So, today I'm working on a few logistics - getting vitamins, making sure I have protein shakes stuff, re-reading pre-op and post-op instructions.

I'm also enjoying my last weekend of solid food for a good while - albiet low-carb, a NY steak with blue cheese butter still beats liquid meals. I know that part is going to be really, really hard, but, it's 10 days of my life - and some doctors have people do 4 weeks of liquids - I'm lucky! After that, I'll progress through slushie, mushie, soft and then solid foods over the next 4-6 weeks, and should be getting my first fill somewhere around October 28th, which is when the fun really begins!

For now, I'll just keep working on minimizing my inner stress/freak-out level, which seems actually quite reasonable at the moment...I'll just sit back and enjoy that.

Sooner than Later...

Yesterday I got a call from my surgeon's office that they moved my surgery up to the first slot of the day at 7:30 a.m. - while originally this is the slot I wanted, I was kind of shocked by the change! I've had 9 a.m. in my mind all along...but, despite having to be at the hospital by 5:30 a.m. (leaving our house by 5:00! yikes!), I have come up with a list of good things to focus on regarding this change:

1) No traffic
2) The hospital is slower in the early morning, so I'll get more attention and care
3) My favorite - the only surgery that is 100% sure to happen on time is the first one of the day! So, I won't have to be anxious waiting like I would have been if my 9 a.m. slot started to run late.
4) It'll be over with sooner :)
5) I'll be in a sleepy stupor, coupled with the anesthetic, I may not remember a single thing!

It'll be time before I know it. Am I freaking out? Maybe.

What will it be like?

I've been thinking a lot about what it will be like not to be the fattest person in the room. It's a big shift, no? I mean, it's like saying to someone who's always been tall, "Ok, you're going to be of average height from now on." It's a huge part (no pun intended) of who I am - the funny fat girl, or the fat girl who is still cool, the fat girl that could still get a hot date...so there.

So what will it be like to just be normal? (Hmm...ok, perhaps I'll never be quite normal :), but of more average size.)

I suppose we'll see, but I don't pretend for a minute that it won't be a significant, challenging and weird transition for me emotionally...

Maybe I'm More Ready Than I Thought...

I slept amazingly well last night - a good 8 hours, relatively uninterrupted. Ra-hoo! Maybe I'm settled...or perhaps I'm just distracting myself so much I'm causing utter exhaustion. Though, to be honest, I'm kind of taking it easy, hanging out by myself a lot and keeping my stress level relatively low.

Perhaps it's all the meat I'm eating. Who knows...5 days to go.

Next week at this moment, I'll be done.

Wow, just looked at the time. My surgery is 1 week from today at 9 a.m. Holy cats. I think I may be past a lot of my fear (but do stay tuned to find out for sure...), and I'm actually getting a little bit excited. I think my mini-weight loss over the past week or so has helped me remember the whole point of this...there is a good outcome planned here!

Not too much to think about now other than to follow the pre-op diet for one more week and prep "food" for the 10 days of liquids post-op. I got a fabu little protein shake sample pack that has 17 of them in it, and also am planning on figuring out some nice soups to make up. Outside of that, not much to report. Onward.

Ok, I Can See How Atkins Can Work...

Low-carb girl marches on. I know I've lost weight doing this - my clothes are way looser...but man, I still don't get how you get skinny eating meat, cheese, eggs and fat. But, hey, it's only two weeks of my life, and I'm in a groove. Who can complain about lovely steaks on the grill with a nice blue cheese butter? Or Pork Chops? Or beef fajitas, no wrap?

However, I gotta say, it's easy if you just hide all of the carby food from yourself - I went to the store the other day and was like, "Oh yeah! Bread does exist...so does candy...and chips!" I quickly got out :) I also went for my first restaurant meal - that was scary, but I did fine with a salmon ceasar, no croutons. One week to go. Scary.

Surrender

When you opt to go under anesthesia, you’re basically saying, ‘ok, dude, my life is in your hands.’ It’s the ultimate surrendering – to basically trust another human being with your life in such a direct way (granted, it’s a well-trained human being, right?). I suppose we do this more often than we thing – say, every time you get in a car that someone else is driving I would say on some level, you’re putting your life in their hands…but it obviously doesn’t feel quite so …grave.

Further, after surgery you’re not 100% for some time – and you have to trust other people to help you. Now, you who know me know, I’m a pretty darn self-sufficient gal. However, in this case, I accept that fact that the recovering-control-freak side of me is going to lose – I realize surrendering to the doctors, nurses, and anesthesiologist is a must, as is trusting that afterwards, I cannot take care of myself all alone.

Ok, ok, I get it….uncle, again. Damn. Will the life lessons ever end? I suppose, deep down, I hope not.

Meat Fest 2005

We are away for a getaway to Whidbey Island for the weekend. Currently being carb-phobic, I found a little cottage with a full kitchen and gas grill and we brought food for almost every meal so as not to have to endure the temptations (and uncertainty) of restaurant food too many times. Well, the amount of meat we bought for the weekend stunned me! (See photo…all those brown packages? MEAT.) When I unpacked the cooler, there were pork chops, steak, bacon, turkey burger, turkey kielbasa, breakfast ham, tuna, salmon, and chicken! Not to mention plenty of eggs and cheese.

Ok, so my brain is struggling to reverse its belief system. My whole life, since about age 5, I’ve been working to figure out how to eat the most food for the lowest calories/fat. Knowing with the band, and my limited stomach size, I’ll have to think about it in the opposite way: How do I get the most nutrients and calories in small amounts of food? I have to start thinking like someone with no appetite, like a little old lady…Of course, this won’t be a problem until I have good restriction, which will take some time…

Too Skinny? Um, yeah...right!

Ok, there is one question that virtually everyone asks me when I tell them I'm going to have this surgery. So, I am going to address it here since those of you who haven't asked probably want to know too.

You're not going to get too skinny, are you?

Um, folks, let's see - I've got about 100 pounds to lose. With the band, most people are at about 65-75% loss of their weight at the 2 year mark, and unfortunately, at about 55% -65% at the 5 year mark. So, if you think about it- odds are I may not even reach my goal of 100 pounds at any point. But even if I did, I'd be on the high end of a healthy weight for me - to quantify it, at that weight, I'd be lucky to wear about a size 10 at that point. For a 5'7" girl, size 10 ain't too skinny by anyone's standards...

Note that I'm not getting the bypass, which often does allow people to lose all of their weight an in some cases, those folks struggle to stop losing. One of the upsides of the band is that it can be adjusted - if I need to stop losing (man, what a problem to have!!!), I just have them loosen the band and then I can eat a little more. Or, I can just add liquid calories to stop weight loss easily. Ok, so, before we all get ahead of ourselves...let's just see how I do! You can all tell me if I'm looking too lean, seriously!

Lift & Separate

It's amazing how many people in the "WLS Community" (that is, others who have had this type of surgery) are so supportive to total strangers! With my surgery date rapidly approaching, many have posted sweet, thoughtful messages on the message board that I subscribe to. I also have a buddy who is going to my surgeon, her date is 3 days after mine - but it's cool to have someone who will have the same process that I will to talk to (and, she just lives over in Ballard!).

More than that, of course, is the support of my family and friends. Michelle has been reading my message board, reviewing doctor's orders, making a list of things to take to the hospital, planning for afterwards, etc. - she really wants to 'get it' as much as she can so she can help me afterwards. (thank you honey). Outside of her, though, my parents, sisters, co-workers and friends have been so amazingly supportive and happy for me while also recognizing I'm freaked out by the gravity of the surgery itself, and the intense lifestyle change to follow. I'm grateful to all of your who've listened, gave advice, played devil's advocate, and pushed me to really think things through so I could feel good about my decision, knowing no stone was left unturned (you know who you are)...

So, onward. Just 12 days to go....

Uncle...I give...

Ok, so I'm freaking out about having scars on my already not-so-sexy stomach. Why? I guess because, as my good friend ck pointed out, we're all vain on some level. Well, I recall how I looked the last time I dropped 75 pounds or so - and I still had (and will have) a chubby tummy - and really, that's ok. But, somehow a chubby tummy with 5 "punch holes" and 1 scar that's about 1.5" smack left of center makes my stomach turn over (pun intended). Who cares? It's not like I'm ever gonna wear a bikini, right? Right.

Perhaps it's a reminder that I did this to myself, and moreso that I felt I had to do this to myself - because I can't do it by myself. I've accepted that fact on many levels - I mean, my God have I tried just about everything over the years! You who know me know this. But I think it's still an intense, reflective day when one throws up their hands as to say, "uncle...ok, ok, ok ...I give".

So, I give. And in return, I get....6 unwelcome scars to remind me every day forever more - though I'm sure at some point I'll embrace them as what got me to where I wanted to go.

Drained

So, day 1 of 40 carbs or less went ok. I suppose the first thing to be happy about is that I didn't screw it up - I had 38 carbs total, along with 117 grams of protein (holy cats!) and 63 grams of fat (ug! my inner-lowfat-child is writhing). Total calories, however, was a mere 1188, according to my food journal at fitday.com, a handy little tool actually! I now see how people lose weight doing Atkins, etc. - one can only chew on so much meat before becoming sick of eating...full or not, resulting in very few calories.

What I do find is that my energy level is crap. I am tired - but I did work out today and overall am doing my best to keep up. And, it's a little bit of a brain squeeze too - my head hurts a little from thinking so hard at work, etc. - but that's the idea, folks - squeeze all of the excess sugars and carbs outta every nook and cranny of my liver to shrink it down for a less complicated surgery.

I'm in, but man, I'm also glad this is only for two weeks.

The last supper...er, bagel

It's funny how some foods I've sort of been saying "so long" to over the past week - knowing that I'll be able to eat them again at some point once I adjust to the band, figure out its rules and boundaries and test things out. Other foods, however, it's a definite "goodbye" - food that it seems hardly anyone with a band can injest without consequences. Bagels fall in the latter category.

For breakfast today, I had what is likely the last bagel with cream cheese I'll ever eat in my life. Now, due to the significance of this for me, please indulge me for a few sentences...

My single most favorite breakfast is my usual - a poppy bagel toasted with veggie cream cheese at Roxy's deli, though the pumpernickel with feta dill cream cheese is a close second. So, I had "the usual" today, lucky for me my favorite cook, Jeff, was on hand to make it just right, as he always does. He wears a funny shirt that says, "I see dead people" which I like. Creepy though is just how often he wears it, but I digress... It arrived piping hot (you who know me know how I love my food hot) and I ate it, not thinking too much about it - I worked on my grocery list, talked to Michelle, etc. I honestly might have cried if I'd thought about it. This is a sad state, when one cries over a bagel. Food issues you say? Maybe, but really, this would be one of the 5 things I'd take to a desert island with me.

That all said, I don't suppose it's really about the bagel now is it? It's more the fear and significance of the permanent nature of getting the band - I mean, there's no room for error (re: cheating) here - eat a bagel and throw up. Oh, wait, actually, eat a bagel, have it get stuck, be in significant discomfort (re: pain), produce an inordinate amount of saliva for about 30 minutes (mmm, yum...), then throw up. Now there's some fun!

The good news here is that eating bagels is no longer more important to me than being healthy. Don't get me wrong, I'll mourn bagels forever more...might even try a bite at some point and suffer the consequences...but I'm choosing myself as more important than a bagel (whoa - now there's a good sentence to take outta context). But you get what I mean, eh?