One Month Today!

I can't believe it's been a whole month! I'm happy to report that at my weigh-in today, I lost another two pounds - bringing the grand total to 24 pounds lost since the beginning of the pre-op diet; 9 were before surgery, so that's 15 pounds since surgery. No complaints! Michelle took my photos today too so I had some visual aids to allow me to compare - overall, there is definitely a difference!

I'm excited to get my fill on Friday and start the process for real - right now, I can pretty much eat as much as I want to, though I've still be sticking to about 1000 on average. I'm hungry though, no doubt, so it will be nice to put an end to that! More to come on the fill after Friday :)

Smaller

So, I'm getting smaller. It's funny to use the word "small" to describe myself in any fashion, really. But, yesterday I bought a shirt a size smaller than before - it was cheap, so it was ok (I promised not to go broke on clothes as I shrink) - anyhow, it was exciting and fun and gratifying.

No weight loss to speak of since last Wednesday - still holding steady at 22 pounds down - and no complaints on that! I'm still getting to the gym, though eating is getting harder. I'm glad to be getting my fill on Friday - I see my calories creeping up a little, and while I'm still in "the range" I was quite pleased with my rate of success before. Getting the fill will help me to eat less, which is a good thing.

More to come! But for now, all is well.

p.s. This week I take measurements and photos! Btw, it's 4 weeks out today!!!!

Could it be?

That I like going to the gym? I've gone for 7 days in a row - and here's the kicker - I haven't hated it! I think that is the part that is key for me - I go, do what I set out to do, feel good and successful, and it doesn't feel like a big deal - just part of the day. So, that is exciting, no?

I cheated and weighed myself mid-week - I could just feel the news would be good and indeed, I am down a total of 22 pounds! Not that it's all about the numbers, but it is nice to see measurable results. It's becoming more noticeable too - some clothes just fit/look better, while others are being retired so I don't look like I'm sporting a tent. Might go to the big girl consignment shop this weekend just to see if I can find some cheap waredrobe additions for now.

Eating is going ok - though I ALMOST had my first 'incident' last night as I did three things wrong (all at once!) - I took a bite of my sesame crusted tuna and 1) it was too big of a bite, 2) I didn't chew it well enough and 3) I neglected to "lubricate" it with some sauce, and it was a drier piece from on the end. So, what happened? It felt like it was just hanging out in my chest for a few minutes, deciding whether to go up or down. I took a small drink of water which helped it down (thank God, not up) and I was able to continue eating. While I think I have no restriction, moments like that remind me that there is at least a little. It was a good lesson I suppose!

I'm scheduled for my first fill next Friday, 10/14. Should be interesting - the last phase of re-learning to eat (again)... :)

Eaten Yesterday

Some people ask me what I eat. So, for lack of a better topic, here is everything I ate yesterday:

- 1/2 c. hot cereal (Kashi GoLean)

- 1/2 c. homemade tuna salad
- 4 olives

- 1 c. homemade vegetarian chili
- 1/2 oz. (really nice) Beecher's cheddar cheese
- 1 tbsp. lowfat sour cream
- 1 oz. Pirate's Booty (healthy cheese puffs)

- 1 decaf soy mocha from Lighthouse (12 oz) (best coffee in Seattle!)
- 48 oz. water +

That adds up to about 1000 calories, which is what I promised myself I'd eat at a minimum; I don't want to starve (though I'm hungry a lot right now - but somehow it's not that bad...), but somehow you think 'less calories = more weight loss' but really, it doesn't quite work that way. Not enough food and fat hangs on - I swear it to be true! Plus, I'm getting to the gym, so it's important to eat enough.

Lucky for me, this rule resulted in a lovely mocha from Lighthouse around 7:45 p.m. last night...hadn't hit 1000 yet, so I HAD to... :)

p.s. 3 weeks post-op as of yesterday! time flies, huh? Also, yesterday I was told my butt is getting smaller, since I can't see it, I appreciated the insight.

Solids!

Well, as of Friday I was approved to start eating solid food. That night it was a delight to CHEW again! :) I'm feeling more like a normal person, still eating "soft solids" but working hard now to separate liquids from solids to start to get an idea of how much (if any) restriction I have in anticipation of my first fill on 10/14. Basically I report on how much food I'm eating and how hungry I am at what point after eating; from there, they gauge how much to tighten my band. While I'm not honkering down on a bagel or well-done steak (and really, no one should -rare people, rare...) I did enjoy some tuna this weekend, chili, an english muffin w/ a poached egg on top, and some potatoes. All very exciting!

The downside is that with solid food re-entry, typically weight loss stalls out until the fill. I'm ok with it, even though it's a little hard when I feel like I'm doing everything right. Still tracking all my food, exercising, etc. - but, all who get the band know that you have to have patience! It's not like the bypass where the weight just flies off your body. So, I did weigh-in yesterday and the scale did not move - so still at a 18.5 pound loss since 2-weeks pre-op.

Though, still happy, truly.

Miss Piggy?

I kinda feel like a pig. It's all relative, right? In my past life (that is, pre-band), I would feel like a pig if, say, I ate 4 pieces of Pagliacci pizza, a breadstick, some salad and lots of diet pepsi. Pig. I'd feel that way when I went out and I had an appetizer, salad, entree, a few bites of dessert, a couple martinis and some wine. So, back to the relativity....

My dad is in town and last night we went to Buca di Beppo, and all-American Italian feeding trough. Everything there is family-style, so there is no individual "portion" really. I ordered what I knew I could eat...1 meatball with two sides of sauce, and an order of mashed potatoes (to be shared). In the end, I felt like a pig! Here's what I ate:

- 4 sips of wine (prior to food - no drinking while eating, Jennifer!)
- 3 oz. of the meatball
- 1/2 c. red sauce (mixed with the squished up meatball :)
- 1/8 c. alfredo sauce (also mixed with the meatball)
- 1/3 c. mashed potatoes

Ok, so basically I had a about a cup of really saucey meatsauce and 1/3 c. of potatoes. Now, I KNOW I AM NOT A PIG. Please don't send a zillion comments about negative self-talk, etc. - it's not a judgmental statement actually. It's more an observation of a few things:

- How little food now makes me feel FULL. Yep, I surpassed satisfied last night - no pain, no suffering, not stuffed - but I definitely was full.
- How odd a feeling it was to feel filled up - it's been about a month probably since I've felt that.
- That association I have with simply feeling full in that I feel pretty bad about it - even when, in this case, what I ate was completely reasonable! (Yes, this is a spot that needs some work, I know)...

I'm not exactly sure the point of this post; however, I think it was an experience that taught me to pay extremely good attention when eating out (a few more bites and the rest of my evening may not have been very pleasant), and know that once in a while, feeling full (not stuffed!) is really ok and I don't have to feel badly about it. The world didn't end, I doubt I gained 300 pounds or anything and oh, by the way, stayed within my calorie goal: total for the day - 1060.

Fitting In

I think my biggest joy as of late is being able to fit into my two favorite pairs of jeans, both of which I grew out of over last winter. Between Christmas and June, I put on about 15 pounds. How, you ask? Well, I made three batches of cookies for the holidays...and though sugar isn't my vice, somehow eating too many of those made me continue to want sugar after they were gone. So I ate sugar (which had been sworn off except for special occasions), and then continued to for a good few months - and packed on some poundage. Ack.

So, it's been fun to grab my jeans from the 'retired pile' in my closet and slide right on into them with ease. On the other hand, I'm struggling with shirts - seems already some feel like I'm wearing a tent when I throw on some of my favorites. Actually, that's probably a lot about my desire to wear things that fit so it looks like I've really lost weight! I mean, it's no lie that I'll take any compliment you've got for me. :) This is work, and as with any work, we all like to be acknowledged, right? Though, wearing clothes that fit also helps to give me that confidence level I get when I don't feel like the Stay-Puff Marshmellow Woman. (At a certain weight I just feel, well, puffy).

So, having a minimal clothing budget, I'm working to figure out creative solutions on the clothing front, which I have every faith that I will be able to do :) Ebay, clothing swaps at my support group, thrifting...and, in a few sizes, I'll be able to borrow Michelle's clothes - much to her dismay.

In other news, I burnt my forehead while curling my hair at the gym yesterday. Who does that once they graduate 8th grade??? Geez....

My Peeps!

Last night my surgeon had his lap-band support group. Both he and the nutritionist attended which was nice - there were probably 25 people, about 5 pre-op, 2 supportive partners, and the rest were post-op, though all were less than 1 year out. This group, as opposed to the other one I went to, was very supportive and informative. I'll be a regular for sure! There is something really cool about sitting around with a group of people who just get it in a way that you can't unless you too are knee-deep in it ;)

I also connected with my new band-buddy C., she is awesome - we'd been emailing for a while but didn't meet until last night. She's definitely one of my people, so to speak. Cool girl, open, funny and just 4 days ahead of me with her band. It was just great to meet someone that I'd choose as a friend period - band or not - and that we have enough in common to talk about things other than port pain, burping, eating, and emotional food-related stuff (though we talked all about those things, too). We went for coffee after the support group and yapped for 2 hours - that's what happens when you put two extroverts together and add some caffeine. (p.s. for those who know her, C. totally reminds me of Gayle!)

Otherwise, I'm feeling pretty successful these days. I know I'm doing it right, getting exercise and not obsessing. In fact, it dawned on me yesterday that in a way, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop - that is, for it to feel hard, defeating, painful...for me to feel angry, pissed, exhausted, hopeless and more pissed. BUT, what I realized is that this is the first time in my life that I've attempted a serious weight loss while in a good, healthy headspace. All of the other times I was looking for a general sense of inner peace and happiness by shedding pounds; this time, however, I'm going into with those things already in place. I am smart enough now to know losing weight doesn't solve all of your problems, I promise you that - been there, done that...

So, instead of waiting for it to get hard, and for me to get pissed, I'm operating from a perspective that it's not going to happen that way. I won't let it. This is it. How it is now. It's doable. It's good. There will be hard moments, even days and maybe weeks...but I'm refusing to resent it, hate it, be angry about it or anything else along those lines. Those things don't really help, now do they?

Pay Attention Jennifer

So, I'm trying to figure out the hunger continuum - here's how it goes for me:

*starving - hungry - empty feeling - not hungry - satisfied - full - stuffed - exploding*

My goal is to stay in the purple zone - to never really get hungry, per se, and when I do eat, stop once I'm not hungry anymore, occasionally eating until I feel satisfied - but never full. And certainly never stuffed or exploding. Figuring this out is an art! Once I get good restriction it'll be easier, though I'm doing pretty well at eating as if I already do.

I'm paying attention, for the most part...but it's easy to forget I am Borg...case in point: Today I finished lunch and had a co-worker come in to chat for a few. I absentmindedly grabbed my water bottle out of my bag (where I'd put it so I wouldn't drink too soon after eating) and just started chugging away because I was thirsty post-workout. After about, oh, maybe 6-8 ounces, I realized what I was doing - just about the same time I started to feel like a bloated whale, which lasted for about an hour. Thank god I didn't drink more than that! It just goes to show how so much of this is really about breaking habits.

I don't really know how many more times I need to drink with food or too soon after to learn, but I doubt this will be the last time, alas. Pay attention, Jennifer.

2 Weeks Today!

Holy crap - two weeks ago at this moment I was in the midst of getting my lap-band installed. It feels like an eon ago since so much has happened and changed for me since then. At this point, I pretty much feel like myself 100% with the exception of a little bit of port pain/swelling, which likely involves some scar tissue making it seem like more than it is. Successes so far:

- I've got the pre-fill eating figured out, and I know once I get the fill on 10/14, I'll have to learn it all over again, but I'm working pretty hard to form the right habits now so that time isn't too traumatic.

- I'm exercising! And, I really don't mind it.

- Down 18.5 pounds, and of course that feels good - but also fitting into clothes from last winter that I wouldn't have had a prayer of wearing a month ago is nice :)

- Overall, I'm committed (though I knew I would be - and many of you have been very sweet & supportive in reiterating how much faith you have in me to do this right!)

So, my band turns 2-weeks old today - I have an nutritionist appointment on Friday and then I start onto solid food! I'm scared of that since I'm in a nice little mushie-food-groove right now, but it will be interesting to chew again, no?

Huh...

I went to the gym *again* today - that's 3 days straight! It's amazing how much easier it is to get there when you get results. Speaking of - I weighed in today. I've decided Sundays will be my day to weigh - for a few reasons:

1) Keeps me on track over the weekend
2) Gets me to the gym on the weekend (I don't own a scale, must go to gym to weigh-in :)


So, the grand total is 18.5 down over the past 4 weeks! Nine prior to surgery, and 9.5 since. I know it will slow down! I know it. (Average is 1-2 pounds/week, though 4.6/week has been fun...) But for now, I'll continue to enjoy what feels like a nice initial payoff for dropping the wad $ and going through the surgery. I am not getting obsessed with the SVs (that is, "scale victories" a bit of lingo from the Weight Loss Surgery online community :) - there are also NSVs, "non-scale-victory" like fitting into you skinny jeans, for example) - but it is nice that there's a way to have a measurable result.

I weigh the least I have in about 4 years right now - a little less than I did at my wedding in 2001. Just like that. Huh.

Getting Easier

Today I went out to lunch and ate somewhat normally - which is both exciting and scary. It seems my internal swelling is all down, and I don't have much restriction (if any). So, the exciting part is that things are easier...the scary part is that I probably could eat anything I wanted to. Not that I'm going to try to...but, it was nice to go out to lunch and feel normal. Of course, I ate half of the meal for lunch, and brought the other half home and ate it for dinner :) My first 'fill' is on 10/14, so I need to make it to then maintaining the same calorie intake as I am now - which should be reasonable to do so long as I pay attention.

In other news, I won $10 gambling today (jackpot party! woo-hoo!), and I did 45 minutes on the stairmaster - I don't know which of these two events was more exciting. Yes, I do - winning the $10.

Lap-band = iPod Accessory?!

Today one of my best friends was with me as I told a peripheral co-worker that I had WLS and about the lap-band. My friend, who saw the laproscopic photos of the band inside my tummy said, "It's like an iPod accessory - white with some gray accents. Totally looks like an Apple product!"

What's funny is that while the band had a visual appeal to me, I never put this together! I held it in my hand and looking back, it even felt like iPod accessory...this just seemed funny and apropos.

In other news, today I went to the gym for the first time post-op and it went quite well! I did 30 minutes on the stairmaster and it actually felt great. I love those (unfortunately rare) workouts that are just easy, relaxing and almost, er, fun. I also weighed in - up 2 pounds - and no surprise really, not because I'm eating badly (plu-eez people! can you say 1000 calories/day?) but rather that my last weigh-in was after 5 days of, well, starving. To be honest, I was relieved it wasn't more! It'll go soon enough, I think my body is catching up anyway to the loss thus far - clothes are definitely fitting a little differently, things are a'shifting about...

p.s. I enabled anonymous comments to make it easy for y'all to comment (yes, I said y'all). If you are one of my friends/family, please consider signing your comment or give me initials or a tip as to who you are - some of the comments are really nice, and I'd love to thank you for them, but I don't know who to thank ;)

That was Weird.

So I went to a lap-band meet-up/support group tonight and had a very strange experience. It wasn't really my scene, as it turns out - one woman was nice and one girl seemed kind of cool. The other three were just not my people. I think I'll pass on that particular group in the future - it was a little discouraging, and they mostly warned me of all of the struggles/challenges they had, but not really in a supportive way...I just took it in stride and figured I'm not them, and I'll just stick to my guns. My doctor has a support group monthly, and his is next Tuesday, so we'll see how that one goes! I don't quite know where I find the young, hip, city-dwelling bandsters with whom I'd have something in common beyond having a lap-band....?

For dinner tonight, I was in a spot and ended up getting pintos'n'cheese at Taco Bell. I was starved, and it was handy - I ate about 1/3 of the cup of beans with 2 packets of hot sauce mixed in to make it the right consistency, along with 2 oz. of nacho cheese sauce (nasty, I know...but at the time it was fantastic!). So, I basically had beans and cheese with some hot sauce - it made me happy! And, what a cheap date I am - $1.25 for dinner.

She Stands

So, tonight I went to two shows and stood for a good 3 hours - and survived! I have some muscle pain around the Borg unit input device (the port), but otherwise, I was ok. Not too much else to report on the Band front, other than:

- I'm comfortably sleeping on my stomach again through the night. Ra-hoo! Much, much better.
- Eating is going pretty well - I'm working to stretch the time in between 'feedings' (they're hardly meals now ;) and have gotten to around 3 hours between without hunger. Yippee!
- I did a full stop on drinking while eating; it's working out ok, but it's a little rough getting in 64 oz of water when following the rules...
- Incisions are looking swell. Not swelled. Swell.

More tomorrow! Overall my feeling is 'so far, so good!'

Resistance is Futile...

So I felt my port under my skin for the first time last night - I feel like a Borg from Star Trek TNG...it's strange to have a little unit inside you. It basically just feels like a little lump, no big deal. I've dubbed my band the Borg. I knew a name would come to me...

All else is going well. I realize that even on pureed/mushie food I cannot drink when I eat, so today was the full stop on that. (I was getting too full, and feeling too much air in my belly from it). I got in 825 calories today, which is pretty good.

I feel good and had more energy at work today - didn't feel exhausted and brainsqueezed like yesterday. That said, I slept from 9:30 p.m. - 7:00 a.m. last night without waking up once. Oh, another exciting event: I slept on my tummy!!!! That's probably WHY I slept so well.

I'm becoming quite the pureed food chef. Tonight I made Indian food - mutter/aloo paneer...that is, peas, cauliflower and paneer cheese in a Korma sauce. Michelle at hers normally, I took a scoop or two and put it in the food processor. I was tentative, but it was really good actually! One pisser of not drinking liquids is the definite need to pull back on high flavor foods and super spicy foods - though not being able to drink anything makes it easier to eat less, since it's so intense.

It's all starting to settle in...almost feeling normal! Onward...

p.s. I measured my largest incision and it is *exactly* 1" - yay! I'm so glad they're small and subtle.

Slow down, Turbo...

Well, I believe I officially overate last night. A dear friend made dinner, accommodated me very thoughtfully and nicely, but alas, I think I just ate too much food.

I am starting to 'get it' that indeed, whether it's post-surgery swelling or not, I am restricted right now and need to be way careful how much I eat. I felt like there was a golf ball lodged in my chest for a good part of the night, but a little liquid advil at 3 a.m. helped me get some rest.

Shame on me! But at the same time, this is the discovery period - live and learn. I've decided that I really need to stick to eating out of a small cup or tiny bowl - this is really the only way I can accurately gauge the true amount of food going in. So, if you invite me over anytime soon, I'll be bringing my own dishes :)

Captain, We Have Restriction...

Last night I believe I experienced restriction for the first time. It was a lot like people on my message board described, so I wasn't shocked or confused...though it's odd to feel "new" things out of your body at age 34.

I made butternut squash puree - I didn't thin it out at all though, so it was thickish. After about 1/8 c. and a little tomato soup I made, I did get a slight feel of a golf ball at the top of my throat, and a sort of pressure/discomfort around where I estimate my band is. So, like a good girl, I stopped eating, took my food to the kitchen and walked around a bit. While it was no picnic, it was no disaster either - sort of a safe experience in beginning to understand what restriction feels like, along with gauging my limits at this point. (See photo of offending meal, note that 1/2 of the soup and 1/8 of the squash was actually consumed...)

Other exciting news...I went wedding dress shopping with my sister. It was a bit much in a way, but it felt good to enter back into society :) I also had my first post-band "meal out" - yep, a 16-oz-Peanut-Butter-
Banana-Smootie-Add-Protein-Powder-Please at World Wrapps. I ate all 500 calories of it! It was actually exciting to be able to take in that amount of food with no "payment" for it then or later. Ra-hoo! And, I hit about 1000 calories again yesterday, thanks to Mr. Smoothie!

Otherwise, I'm trying to balance taking it easy with getting back to normal - and it is a bit of a tight rope walk...Michelle reminds me that "hello! your body was completely shut down - it's gonna take a while to wake back up all of the way..." and with an added head shake she mumbles, " you just don't get it honey." She's right, as usual :)

Tidbits

1) I am awake again. My other blog is back in action!

2) Scroll to the bottom of this page - I've added a weight loss ticker which I'll do my best to keep updated. It's at the bottom because I don't want to have too much focus on the numbers. Too much pressure.

3) I've made it so anyone can comment without having to login - sorry about that! You'll have to do a word verification as I've been getting a bit of spam, but it should be a short step. Comment away!

Now, that's better.

Friday was a much better day! I rested pretty well and headed out to the doctor's office for my post-op appointment. Much to my surprise, I dropped 7 pounds this week - while I expect some of that will return once I'm eating again, it was still inspirational to see the scale down a total of 16 pounds since the start.

Most of my symptoms are diminishing, though I still get tired insanely fast! I believe I will sleep in my own bed tonight (been on the couch) and try to start having a semi-normal routine. The interesting thing is that really, I haven't been bored one bit! Strange but true...it's amazing how much mindshare recovering takes.

Two fun things for today:

1) I got my "surgery survival prize" - yep, an iPod nano! I had recently finally gotten a shuffle, and not three days later the nano was announced. I returned my shuffle and shelled out the additional $70 for the much-higher-functioning nano. Mostly I wanted a smaller mechanism for working out. I got the black 2g, as that's all I really need. It's hot!

2) I started to cook for myself! This is a big step. Somehow food becomes terrifying after stomach surgery. Today, I made two 1/2 cup batches of tasty potato puree (w/some nice cheddar cheese, a little butter and some milk), and a nice tomato soup from fresh tomatoes. Bonus, I met my 50g of protein goal, no prob.

I'm up to about 1000 calories - thank God! Though the weight loss is dandy, I have no desire to lose at this rate if it means being faint from hunger. That's not exactly the point, now is it? I'll be happy to do the 1-2 pound/week thing once I'm all adjusted (which, by the way, my first "fill" is scheduled for 10/14!). In the meantime, I'm aiming for 1000 calories/day or so, and I'm eating about 5 meals at 200 calories or so each - right now that seems to be all my belly will hold.

Feeling MUCH more like myself and planning to strategize around eating at work this weekend...I'm eating carbs again, but honestly at this point, I just want to get in some calories and protein to keep myself afloat :)