No More Glucophage!

I meant to report, I went to my endocrinologist last week. He's kind of an older dude, a bit of a crumugeon, but a stand-up guy in his profession. I am happy to report a fasting blood sugar of 88!!!!!! In the past, I was typically at 108. He officially let me off glucophage - which, to be honest - I'd stopped taking after my surgery. I hated it. Shame on me though, for self-medicating (or not, in this case...).

Anyhow, Dr. No-Bedside-Manner stopped to put his hand on my shoulder, tell me congratulations and looked me in the eye and said, "you know, this is huge - what you've done for yourself here, most people don't or can't do. you are my patient of the day!" It was very sweet actually; I also took the opportunity to tell him that he was my inspiration. He once said, "Unless you lose 50 pounds, you will, without question, need to take insulin shots at some point." This terrified me into looking at surgery...so I thanked him for making a difference for me. And that was that! I see him again in 4 months for a check-up and for my thyroid (which, I am taking my drugs again, thank-you-very-muchly).

In other good news, I'm meeting most of my goals from my recent post. I did drink a bit over the holiday weekend that exceeded calories limits; however, no looking back! I'm back on track now - no alcohol since Monday, and none planned until Saturday night. It's my mom's 60th birthday and in a move somewhat oxymoronic for a bandster, my one sister and I are taking her to the Herbfarm Restaurant here in Seattle. It's quite famous, and offers a 9-course meal with paired wines. I plan to go nice and slow, eat no bread and sip the wine and know that I don't have to finish it all. Duh! The portions are teeny tiny, and the meal lasts 5 hours, so I can pace myself. I don't plan to eat much tomorrow prior to dinner though!

Exercise is on target and my yoga for round bodies class is good. I signed up for a (gawd help me) hip-hop dance class! We'll see how that goes, but man, I wanna dance like that! I'll need to come up with a system to bind my chest and my fat belly, but they sell garments for that. Hee-haw!

Hope everyone is doing well! :)

Boob Job Nightmare

So I had a dream that I had a boob job; they screwed it up and instead of making them smaller and perkier, they made them BIGGER - enlarging them into giant, honey dew melon-porn-star tits!

Oh, and one side was significantly bigger than the other, they were all dimpled and poorly shaped.

...and the best part? They put two nipples on one boob, and no nipple on the other. I awoke and said to the doctor, "Did you not notice this? Doesn't it look funny to you?!?!" Needless to say, I was happy to wake up and see all was well with my chest. Phew!

Hm. Now there's a subconscious manifestation of fear, no?

9 1/2 Month Surgeon Visit - Update!




Well, one happy Jenn hopped on the scale to learn I weighed 190.9 - down about 5 and a 1/2 pounds from last month! Very exciting! All told with pre-band weight loss, I'm at a total loss of 71 pounds at the 9.5 month mark. Somehow, passing the 70-pound mark feels seriously significant - similar to when I passed 40...I dunno, some of these milestones just feel bigger than others. Bonus: I am now merely overweight, no longer obese, with a BMI of 29.9!

I had the alternate surgeon today, who was very nice - but I'd never met him. I discussed my fill situation and we agreed to a teeny tiny unfill. I'm wicked paranoid to go too low - 1.8 was loose! So, I went back to 2.0 exactly (I was at 2.1). The unfill was relatively uneventful. We'll see how I do - but it has to be better. I'm tracking with fitday now, like religion, to snap myself back to center in terms of caloric intake, so it's just a matter of whether or not I'm starving all the time, etc. which I doubt.

Press the Reset Button, Jennifer.

Ok, I realized something: It is me.

Yep, I realized I was off the wagon, but I don't think I knew how far off the wagon I was...so, I hit the reset button this week and, with the help of my ever-faithful pal ck, I set some goals to help be get back in the game. Here they are, both for support to those of you who may be in the same boat, and for accountability:

1. Get back to 800 - 1200 calories/day.
So I did fitday.com for a few days, thought I was practically starving myself and found that I was indeed at the high end of my range...1200 calories! This is fine, but before, I was eating considerably more, meaning I was likely in a 1500-1800 range; fine for maintenance but I'm not there yet. Obviously.

2. No work out, no go out.
Back to this: No wine, drinks, etc. unless I've exercised, and then, only within my calorie range.

3. Exercise: 9 hours/week.
Six days of 1-hour walks + 3 days of 1-hour workouts at the gym, or a second walk, or whatever. 9 hours each week though, with only 1 day of rest.

4. Take the Meds.
I've been blowing off my thyroid medications which is ludicrous; plus stopped taking all insulin-resistance-related drugs after my surgery. Nice Jenn, self-medicate - great idea!...Sigh. I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist next Tuesday. I'll be back to center then, but have gotten back on the thyroid wagon (all the sudden I'm tired and my skin is dry and my hair is growing slow...and and...)

5. Get the Band Adjusted Properly
I'm too tight. I sort of like it; but dumb! Hello - slippage, etc. are huge risks. So, off to the surgeon later today. Git'er done, girl.

6. Nutritionist Check-In
I'm not eating enough protein. I'm eating soft/liquids, too much of them. Probably drinking too much alcohol too - not in an alcoholic way, just in a calorie sense. No more sweet drinks - they taste too good, are too full of calories and too easy to have another. Martinis...savories. Only.

7. Post to the Blog!
You guys help keep me on my toes; when I'm posting, I'm working. When I'm not...well, I'm not...so, I'm back to posting daily or near-daily until I finish losing, or need another break.

8. Dissect the Emotions
Watch for an 'emo' post soon - I've been pulling the emotions apart, and trying to put myself back together in light of what I'm learning. I'm scared to be skinny - no doubt - but I'm ok to keep working toward it at this point and face the fear. More on this soon, but know it's a component.

9. Buy a Scale
Accountability. If I'm not working out at the gym, I have no sense of how I'm doing. It will help. I'm ordering one this week.

10. Sugar only Twice/Week
I was getting mochas. Eating the free evil chocolate at work. Ordering sweet drinks (lemon drops, margaritas)...I was getting addicted again. So I'm off sugar for 1 week - then, it's allowed 2x/week. Period.

I think that's it. I'll revise if I forgot anything. I feel better, and skinnier already, being back on track. Surgeon today - I'm not expecting to lose since I know I've had loads of liquid calories and travels since my last fill; but hopefully this adjustment will get me where I want to go!

Writing & Reading

As I've posted here before, I take writing classes at Bent - a writing school for queer folk where we can test out our writing in a safe space. I love it!

As most of you know, I wrote a piece about getting skinny - I read it at a queer spoken word event last month here in Seattle. Last week, my instructor asked me to read an abbreviated version of it at Seattle PrideFest this weekend! I was terrified - reading my piece in front of thousands of people - many of whom happen to fall into my dating pool! But I committed. I have it ready. Scary!

If you'd like to read it the full original version, email me (jennisagemini@yahoo.com) and I'll send it to you a PDF. I don't think I'm game to post the whole thing here and I may want to publish it someplace, and sometimes there are weird requirements around it being 'published' elsewhere.

PB Tips!

I put a post on the lapband messageboard on Obesity Help detailing my tips on how to handle the dreaded "productive burp." I'm not posting it here because really, only bandsters need to know this and care, and well, it's a little gross. So, those bandsters who are interested, you know where to go to find it! Posted at 10:50 a.m. PST on June 19th. Enjoy - comments here or there (OH) are welcome, or added input!

Ok, you tell me....

I'm going to do it. Buy a scale. That's right. A scale. In my home...

So tell me, what one do you have? Do you love it? What are the "must have" features in your opinion? Send me a link too. Cost is no matter - I just want a good one.

Why? Well, I don't fear becoming a scale addict at this point; the scale at my gym is not well calibrated (when I was over 200 lbs, it weighed me 2-3 pounds lighter than my doctor's office; now that I'm under 200 pounds, it's weighing me 2-3 pounds heavier than my doctor's office...).

Thank you in advance!!

Uncle!!

Ok, note to self (and to lap-banders everywhere!): Do not get an aggressive fill before traveling. Especially internationally. Where they eat lots of rice. But really, not at all.

I have not been having a lot of fun since my last fill. I have an appointment on 6/23 where I plan to go back to 2.0cc’s from the 2.1 I have now. Here’s why: I am having a little PB festival every time I eat. I even PB’d water while I was in Manila – it was first thing in the morning and I awoke parched and slammed a ½ a bottle of water. Ok, so maybe it was my fault…but water? Really?? Further, it seems that the only meat that is friendly to me right now is fish – and even that, I have to be sooooo careful. And you all know what this leads to…

Soft foods. So I’ve been eating cheese. Which is fine, I always do – but I worry I’m eating too much. And in Manila, I actually drank frappacinos – yes – a glass of calories really – almost *daily*. Good lord! I do not do that!!! I certainly will have desserts, but in a calculated way, not in a daily downing of a giant, glorified milkshake! In New York, I failed to get through Chinese food, barely made it through Indian and well, nachos (one of my mainstays) both times were not seamless. Thankfully, my birthday dinner was ok: 1 oz Manchego cheese; about 8 mussels; 4-5 of the crispiest potato rounds I could find in the batch; and later in the evening, shared creamy dessert (cheesecake, mousse cake) with a hot cappuccino to get it down smoothly (all went well – happy birthday to me!).

While I love fish, I worry about gaining weight in this panicked mindset – because what actually happens is that you eat this insanely small amount, get a little stuck, and then a little later – 30 – 60 minutes maybe – it goes “clunk” and works through the band. Then you’re starving. So you eat crap to not be hungry. All signs, and obvious ones, of being too tight. That said, I did want to give it the college try and also allow the fill to settle in. I know too many people who panicked a week after a fill and regretted it later. I just wanted to be sure.

And, well folks, I am. That said, I do think I’m dropping weight – haven’t weighed myself in a while, though the scale in Manila put me at exactly what I weighed last time I was at the surgeon’s office. And certainly, if I don’t lose, though it feels like reverse psychology – the best thing to do is loosen up. If I do lose, it becomes a tougher choice, no? I mean, if I’m losing, and that’s my primary goal *for the moment*, maybe I’ll just eat fish for a while? We’ll see.

But don’t do this. If you have a lap-band, reschedule that fill for after big foreign/domestic celebratory travels. Trust me!

35 is MUCH Better Looking then 34, No?

Today I turned 35! Here is a photo now, and on my 34th birthday. Much improved!!!
More soon.
~jenn

Yo, Mama'z Tight

Whoa. This fill is wicked tight...and I'm not sure if it's "too tight" or if I just need to re-adjust to having it this way. If I eat insanely slow, I can get in enough food...but I fear "soft food syndrome" a little and have found myself going to soft/liquid foods just to get enough calories in to think. BUT, that said, I'm groovin' on losing weight again and knowing that it's happening! I don't own a scale, so I don't know exactly what's happening, but I can feel it...and you who have a band or bypass know "that feeling"...the "i'm getting skinny" feeling.

So, I've decided to stick with my fill and go with it. I will never starve; I still have 40+ excess pounds hanging off my body that can be accessed anytime to avoid certain death from starvation :) I did PB a little water yesterday after eating a small spoonful of cookie dough (I know, for shame) - but it just shows that it's working. What's true is often it's not "real" hunger, but rather "head hunger" in that I feel I should eat or be eating more, but really, I'm not hungry. So, I just need to adjust myself to what is essentially a brand-new lapband...which is how it is people: Every fill is like going back to the first one. I swear it.

I'm traveling now effectively for the next three weeks. I am home for a day here and there, but off to Manila, then NYC, then Portland. I'm home for good on June 17 and my next appointment is the following Tuesday, June 20. So we'll see how I do! I'll be posting a bit between now and then...first up: Manila! Home of fried and overly sweet foods.... (yes, I've got Luna bars for days...)

Comparison

My "real" photos are on my other site, but I was reviewing some old posts in order to write up some of my lapband experience for my nutritionist, who is writing a book on lapband nutrition. I found this photo, and thought it would be fun to share it in comparison to a goofy photo I shot of myself yesterday. Please excuse the bowling shoes; normally I'd have boots on with a chunky heel.

Holy crap. Perhaps I just need a little self-validation, but damn if this won't do the trick!

New Photos Are Up! Click HERE.

A pound is a pound!




Sorry it's taken me a couple days to post. My surgeon appointment on Tuesday actually went quite well - to my surprise, I lost a pound. Yep, just one. And while in some ways that should be devastating - we are talking a month here - it wasn't *at all*. I was delighted not to gain really.

So, I was going to wait to get a fill until after my work trip next week (to Manila, in the Philippines), followed by a weekend in NYC to celebrate my 35th birthday...oh yeah, and then a couple days in Portland, OR for work...so I'm basically traveling from May 31 - June 18. BUT, then I thought, "did'ja drop $18K to stay fat then?" and my answer was a big, fat NO. So, when my doc came in I said, "we need to do a fill" and he looked and my chart, busted out the needle festival required for a fill and went to it.

Turns out I'd 'evaporated' about .2 cc's, so I was at 1.8 cc's. Seeing how I've lost about 19 pounds since that last fill, we opted for a 2.1cc total fill - .2 to get me back to where I was, and an additional .1 to compensate for the stomach shrinkage that likely occurred due to my weight loss. And now, a few days later, let me tell you: I am tight. It's kinda good though to come back to center; for example, on Thursday I had folks over for dinner. I ate:

- some cheese with a couple olives
- 5 or 6 small mussels
- 1 good-sized scallop (1.5 oz.), and a spoonful of califlower puree
- a few bites of key lime pie
- a few pieces of chocolate

Not a banner healthy meal, but my point is the quantity. I was able to eat considerably more pre-fill. The fun right now is that post-fill "i know i'm losing weight" feeling. Now that I'm exercising outdoors mostly, I realize I need to finally break down and buy a scale. I've always been anti-scale, but I do think it will keep me on my toes...

The last thing I want to share is a little epiphany I had. So, I've been slow to understand why my weight loss has slowed. Granted, user error has had an impact - a little too much going out, a little sugar here and there, and since I wasn't filled properly, I have had occasional hunger and eaten in response to it at 'non-meal times.' Ok, so there. That makes sense.

But here's the thing mentally I put together: My surgeon had told me to start talking with the plastic surgeon when I got to 180. When I broke 200, I basically stalled out...and I think part of why is that I am still utterly terrified at the notion of getting plastics, of having that kind of intense surgery, of being franken-body afterwards with scars from here to Canada... so as I started to think I was getting "too close" to 180, I think I had a mental block. If I think too much about it, I start to have a little panic attack...or cry...

So it dawned on my that the Plastic Surgery Police aren't beating down my door with a billy club. I don't have to have plastics at 180, 150, or ever for that matter. And this is exactly how it was for me about the lap-band; for a long time, I'd think of it and it would make me anxious/cry and I'd just think, "i'm not ready"... so in terms of plastics: I'm not ready. I don't have to be, but I do have to finish losing my weight. So I feel like I uncorked myself and am raring to go now! It's just funny the things that scare us, and how they impact so much.

Surgeon Tomorrow

I fear my first gain! I just don't feel like I've been losing and it's all my fault...so perhaps tomorrow I'll get snapped back into shape when I go to my surgeon. I'll post some photos then too, but I gotta warn you, i don't feel like I look any different.

That said, my pal Anhl said I should post some of my naked photos, or at least a "decent" segment of me naked...so here are two "before & afters" of my legs. Still no model, but my god, what an improvement, no? The before shots even gross me out a little, so it's ok if they have the same effect on you. Cellulite...ewwwww....

More tomorrow after my 8-month appointment! Yikes!

Before & After

Here is my lunch yesterday in Les Beax, France before I ate...and after. I ate the tuna off the top of the salad, an olive, the mozzerlla and a slice of tomato, and a few bites of the veggie tart. I am still stunned sometimes - before my band, I'd have put the whole thing away + bread! I love this thing!!!

The Traveling Skinny

A few observations that aren't necessarily food-related...but, I gotta say, it is awesome to be in shape when traveling! Yesterday, we went to the Pont du Gard near Avignon; it's an 18-story high ancient Roman aquaduct. I climbed to the top on BOTH SIDES of the river without hesitation, and that was after going to another hikable site earlier in the day. Getting to the hotel, I found I had to then carry my bags up three flights of winding stairs...no problem, in fact, I went back to help Amy with her bags :)

Fact is, weighing less and being in shape simply makes life better. There is no question! You don't fear flights of stairs or hills, there's no anxiety when you forget something in your 3rd floor hotel room and in general, one can just 'keep up with the tour' so to speak. It's awesome and is helping to get me psyched for what I'm calling 'weight loss: round 2' when I get home - I am anxious to re-focus and reach my goal weight before (or around) the 1-year mark (Sept. 12). I have about 45ish to go, and I know with some serious focus and hard work, I'll get there (or tres close to it). Reaping the rewards sure does inspire!

Hope everyone is well!

Travelin' Band

Ok, sorry it's taken me a while to post - you can read about my trip on my other blog. Here, I'm going to post about living with the lapband abroad, or at least my experiences so far...

First, on the flight over, I have to say I used to think airplane portions were skimpy! Not any more - my 3 oz. of surprisingly tender roast beef, 1/3 c. potato terraine and 1/3 c. green beans added up to the perfect 1 cup of food. For breakfast, they brought us a ham & cheese croissant, I just ate the ham & cheese, along with the 1/2 c. yogurt and was good to go!

Once in London, I admit I was loving my band if for no other reason than the exchange rate! Holy mackeral - the prices there look similar to those in Seattle, however, due to the crappy exchange rate, you basically have to double the price of anything...ouch! Food rundown:

- So, night #1 my friend Amy and I went to Indian food - I got a 'side dish' portion of Mutter Paneer (cheese, peas and sauce) and basically just ate that with a bite or two of Amy's rice. It was about 1 c. and stayed with me pretty well.
- Breakfast at the hotel was a soft cooked egg and about 1-2 oz. ham-like 'bacon' (more ham to me than bacon). I still struggle with eggs, but knew the protein was a good thing. I think I also downed a 1/2 piece of wheat toast.
- For lunch, I ate 1/2 a panini with veggies & cheese for lunch one day - it took forever to do - but it went down ok.
- That night for dinner I got fish'n'chips - I was seriously tight, not sure why - so I ate just a few bites of each, thought a PB was coming on but it passed (amen) - and then (for shame) at some ice cream...I just knew I'd be starved later if I didn't...

Then came the fun. I got this gastric bug going around London...let's just say I think I lost about 8 pounds (I'm guessing). (Gross information alert, skip to next paragraph if you're squimish) I was terrified I was going to vomit, as the distress was well, on the other end - and then basically I dry heaved but nothing came up. I was rather terrified since vomiting can cause slippage, etc. but since I got over it, it seems I'm normally restricted. Phew! Still, totally scary.

Once I was eating again I wasn't eating much...I had a bit of a parmesan tart for dinner with some veggies last night, and today being a travel day (and now Amy being sick), I admit I ate like crap today. One egg and about an ounce of ham-bacon; a yogurt parfait (3/4 c. total); a small Paris-size slice of pizza loaded with veggies...and a couple snacks I'm not willing to admit to ;) (I am on vacation people!)...

But, the long and short of it is that travel seems doable! I am thinking of getting a small fill, but obviously wanted to wait until I was back from my trip to go through that adjustment. For now though, I can eat a little of just about anything...the only pisser in London was tossing food out that I couldn't finish - if only for the money! At home I can take the leftovers or I bring along a friend/human garbage disposal to take care of my extras, so I rarely feel wasteful...but if that is the biggest problem I have, I'm doing well! ;)

Hope everyone is well!!! Take a look at some of the pics on my other blog - I still sometimes am shocked at what I look like!

p.s. My hotel towel fits all the way around me, I can tuck it in and actually move around and still be 'decent' - how about that!?!

Quick Update

Hi all! Just a quick note to say hello. I really have not vaporized (just yet ;)

My weight is about the same, though I do seem to be shifting. I bought a Size 14 pair of jeans yesterday! (Granted, the khaki's I got were 16...lighter color, less forgiving). Holy crap though- and I also got a slew of Size L shirts. This is still shocking to me.

I'm off to Europe on Saturday and looking forward to it. Got a bunch of last minute things this weekend and still have the really, really last minute things to go. I wish I had been able to get it together to lob off the 15 pounds I'd hoped to if only to be able to shop and buy cool clothes whilst across the pond; however, I suppose still requiring larger sizes (for the most part) will protect my wallet a bit. (Though, handbags, shoes and jewerly aren't specific to skinny people...which is problematic for the checking account).

Otherwise, I'm eating ok - having PMS tightness as expected this month, resulting in about 5 days straight of minor to major PBs. Sucks, but it was expected...and it'll be over with soon enough. Exercise is good too - walking 50-60 minutes each morning, and sometimes an added hours around the lake in the afternoon! I've been seeing my trainer 1x/week but haven't really been doing it otherwise. Post-Europe, I want to keep walking a few days/week and then work in gym days 2-4x/week that will involve both cardio and lifting. And of course, Danskin is coming! I will be starting to bike and swim as well upon my return. Ug!

That's the quickie update - sorry for continually disappearing. A lot going on otherwise which I just don't have the energy or need to really go into here. Know that I'm focusing on myself and while at times I feel really, really bad - at others, I feel like my life is going in the right direction and I'm crazily happy and content. So the plan for now is to just carry on!

6-Month Post-Op Report - Down 58.5 Pounds

I know I am a few days late, but here is my 6-month post. Today I saw my surgeon and after taking a good month "off," I found that I had lost just 1.5 pounds in the past month...according to my his scale. Horrifying? Not at all. I didn't do anything to lose weight in the last month - I took weeks off from the gym, ate ok but certainly not ideally. I went in fully expecting to gain 5 pounds or so, and had even prepared myself emotionally for this news. Losing 1.5 was a thrill!!! I'm not doing photos this time since not much happened...

What's funny is how fat I feel right now...yet I'm skinnier than I was a month ago - all because I haven't been working at it. Those who know me know this is a metaphor for my life - it's hard for me to take credit or feel good about anything unless I'm working my ass off. And I suppose the metaphorical lesson here is that you can relax and let things unfold naturally you still will get where you're trying to go (maybe not as fast, but what's the hurry?)...

For the past few weeks, instead of going to the gym I've instead been going on 1-hour walks in the morning. It's been delightful! Even though it's Seattle, most mornings have been rain-free. It's amazing how fresh air and sunshine can keep ya going. I'm headed to Europe for 2+ weeks soon, so I wanted to be ready for all the walking! Plus, I needed a change but wanted to keep exercising and this worked out great. For now, I plan to keep up the walks until my trip on April 1st, and then when I return getting a good plan for the gym in order to be ready for Danskin.

Sorry for my continued absence here - life got a little heavy unexpectedly; however, things ebb and flow so with that in mind, it ought to lighten up soon so I should be around more. Plus, I am taking my iBook to Europe with me so hopefully I'll be posting a bit from there, with a goal of writing here about weight-related stuff while traveling.

Oh, and by the way, I weight 199.5. Holy shit.





Hope everyone is doing well!

Danskin Tri

The Danskin registration opened up today! I signed up - yikes!!! Who's with me????

http://www.danskin.com/danskinonline/raceinfo.html

:) Just do it!

Cupcake

Yes, two posts in a day. If you know me you know I have a tendency toward the extreme, though I work to temper it. However, in the here & now I was reminded of a topic I wanted to post.

So, I'm working to amp up my t-shirt collection. Why? Couple reasons:
1) They actually make t-shirts that fit me now!
2) It's a hip look, the t-shirt over the long-sleeved shirt; I like it when I'm going for my sporty-spice look.
3) Sometimes it's hot when I go out dancing, they work.
4) The ole'rack looks pretty good in 'em, I must say.
5) There are days I just don't want to work that hard, and it's easy to look ok in a t-shirt & jeans provided both are cool...

Which leads me to my dilemma. So far I have three t-shirts in my little collection. Two are cute and fitted, one is a Nada Surf shirt, a band that I like (it's a little bigger, but still cool and yesterday, got me some good flirtin' with a random barista who missed the show! another plus of the cool t-shirt...conversation starters).

So this week for work I had to go to Cupcake Royale to pick up cupcakes for a baby shower. They have t-shirts with their very cute logo and cool, very, very "jenn" colors (pink on brown! my palette!). I was all set to add t-shirt #4 to my collection when it dawned on me...

I'm not skinny. Yet.

Fat girl wearing shirt with food on it - that's a no-no - but not just any food, but a fattening, decadent, egregious cupcake, for the love of god? It feels like an invitation to taunts, whether spoken or not. So I didn't buy the gawd'damn thing. In terms of my dress/style, I feel more put together and fashionable than I ever have. But apparently, I'm still not able to shake the fact that I'm still an XL, a 16, 200ish pounds...and not yet able to wear a 'food' shirt without fearing judgment. Alas. Perhaps some month in the future I'll take my photos for y'all in a Cupcake Royale t-shirt - then you'll know I'm over this hump.

Uncle

Ok, ok, - I give. I know I keep disappearing and I am honestly sorry about it. I've been taking a little hiatus as mentioned in my last post - a break from working so hard at losing weight. It's been a nice breather, but I'm getting back on track now. Exercised the last 4 days in a row (thanks ck, for the help getting it back) and made a few bargains with myself to keep at it. Somehow, these little deals & contracts work for me (i.e., dessert is ok 2x/week; no workout = no go out, etc.). It's just hard to keep at it relentlessly without shaking it up.

I haven't weighed myself in ages, but last time I was holding steady - I doubt that's changed at all. But we'll see soon enough & I'll keep you posted. One thing that has been strange is that I've struggled to accept compliments from people regarding my weight loss while on my break. It's like I don't deserve any kudos since I'm really not working at it right now....strange, lame and true. I suppose it's still nice when people notice, but I feel like a little bit of a fraud for taking a compliment that I feel like I don't deserve - no lectures needed - I know I deserve it, blah, blah - it's just right now they make me feel a little awkward. But hey, now that I'm getting back to it, perhaps I'll be more receptive to these comments.

Otherwise, not too much else to report. I think most of you know I taking writing classes at Bent . After class last week I went for a drink with a classmate who totally inspired me to finally, and I mean FINALLY, write my 'fat piece.' I've been trying to write a piece about my experience being fat that captures the feelings I've had about it in the past, but presents them in a way that shows I'm in a different place now. I'm still tweaking, but I'm pretty happy with it so far. I'm hoping to read it at the next spoken word night I go to in May...but we'll see. Pretty risky putting yourself out there like that! Once I finish, I will either (1) post it (this is unlikely) or (2) give you a email address to write to if you'd like to see it. I'm happy to share, but posting it...not so sure. Maybe an excerpt, when the time comes.

Hope all are well, sorry again for disappearing - just know I'm focusing on myself and it's good!

Rewarding Yourself

One of the things I've been doing a lot of lately is rewarding myself. I think it's hard to figure our how to do this when you're a fat girl inside - c'mon, we've always used food as a reward, right?!? But I think along the way I've done a good job of milestone rewards that have made me feel good & happy & proud of myself. Sometimes the reward is around a specific number on the scale, sometimes a timeline (I worked out 10 days in a row), and sometimes it's just a general "Hey, I rock. I'm doing this for myself." Here's some of what I've done at different stages:

- New haircut - change it up! don't be afraid - I've gotten as many compliments on my new hair as I have on my weight loss, I swear it!
- Clothes - this is a big one since you know you won't be wearing it for long...but still
- Accessories - shoes, bags, jewelry - things you won't shrink out of - a good $pend :)
- Spa appointments - I'm not too proud to drop a little $ at the spa and feel the love
- Mini-getaways - Go someplace new where you just get to be YOU and not "jenn who was fat before..."
- Breathers

Breathers? What's this? Well, this sort of maps to where I am right now so I thought I'd spend a moment on this one. Think about it: When you're charging to a long-term goal it's exhausting. Like running a marathon, there are these moments where you're flying along and others where you feel like you will topple over in 4 more paces. I think I'm feeling like I'm going to topple over in terms of driving so hard to lose weight. So, I am giving myself a breather! This is why I haven't posted in a while, have taken to walks around the lake rather than the gym, have relaxed my eating a little (not in a bad way, just not focusing on it so vigilantly).

Overall, I am sort of taking a little 'vacation' from my own personal weight-loss marathon.

For me, it's proven to be a good decision. I'd rather slow down a little than topple over completely, no? And it's allowing me to focus on some other things that matter a lot: my job, my writing and dating...these all require energy out of me too, and one only has so much gas in the tank. I feel fantastic where I'm at right now, and I have total faith that I will reach my goal in good time. I just think taking a few weeks off is a good pacing break. For me it is anyhow....so, I might post again tomorrow...or in a week...I'm stepping out of the drivers seat for a little bit is all and hopping on the bus instead; not as fast or direct, but it'll get me there.

5-Month Bandiversary

Time flies! Today is 5 months since I got my lap-band! Including the pre-op diet, I've lost a total of 57 pounds as of this morning! I am two pounds...a mere 8 sticks of butter...from Onederland! I'm really excited for this, but after a big drop this week (partially due to lack of appetite due to my cold/flu), I don't expect to see further loss for a little bit while my body catches up. No complaints though - considering I weighed 258 at the start of my pre-op diet, and 262 back in June - I'm thrilled with my progress! View my 5-month photos here.




Other noteworthy comments:

- My blood pressure was 102/70 this week
- My resting heart rate was 60
- I'm wearing a size 16 on the bottom in most brands, and a 14/16 or a regular'ole XL or even L on top!
- I feel much, much better!
- I have good restriction and other than around my period, it's not too tight.
- I still struggle sometimes to eat well and eat right, but mostly I do ok and am comfortable with the overall life change.
- It's not a total walk in the park, but it's easier than any diet or other weight-loss program I did before - and I don't hate it at all, whereas those diets, programs, etc. *I hated*

My big goal is to be at 185 by April 1st - that's 15 pounds in about 6 weeks - lofty and likely not doable, as my pattern seems to be lose 10 one month, 6 the next, then 10, then 6 or 7...so we'll see where I land!

Well, Hot Damn.

First, before we get on to the 'hot damn' part of the post, did y'all see the new link I posted to plus-sized workout garb? http://www.ladiesonlysports.com/plussizcomso.html Now, to the non-WLS people who read this - allow me to explain. The workout world assumes that if you're plus-size, you don't work out. Ok, somewhat safe assumption; however, how the hell are we supposed to not be plus size any longer if when we go to work out, we've got nothing to wear to the freakin' gym?!?!? So, gawd-bless these folks - up to size 6XL! Check it out ladies!

Ok, now for the fun part. I went to my surgeon today figuring I'd lost about 6 pounds since my last fill. I've had the flu since Wednesday (yeah, I was trying to diminish it by calling it a cold) so I haven't weighed in for days. (Though, I did work out Wednesday, and walked around greenlake (3 miles) both yesterday & today). I digress. Imagine.

Ok, so since my last fill, I lost 10 pounds!!!! How about that - I weighed in on his scale at 204.9; and typically I'm 1-3 lbs. more there than at the gym - which is what I use as my gauge. Now, my official-naked-at-the-gym-on-an-empty-stomach 5-month bandiversary weigh-in is on Sunday; this number will be less than 10 for sure (my monthly doc appts. are not synched up with my surgery anniversary exactly). But nonetheless, by my surgeon's account I'm at a total loss of 53, and he's thrilled. It was a nice surprise.

I'm about 4-5 pounds from Onederland, and I want to sew my mouth shut for a couple days to get there sooner, but I know I just have to be patient! My trip comes up on April 1st - I had a lofty goal of being at 185 by then, likely not going to happen - though, really, I'd be thrilled at 190, and happy at 195. So, we'll see where I land. Sunday is picture day! I'm sort of excited to see them now that I know something solid happened.

Perspective

Way back when, I used to eat this locally-made granola (which you can buy on Amazon.com now). It was seriously calorie-dense - 230 per 1/3 c. - but I loved it so it was ok. I was always starving though and people at work would say, "you're just eating that itty lil' bit of granola?" Well, I was making some space for my roommate Kel in the cupboards and came upon an unopened package of the said granola. I've had a rotten cold and have worked at home for the past couple days, so I've had to improvise food since I hadn't planned on being here. For breakfast I had 1/3 c. granola with 1/2 c. yogurt (which I stole from the aforementioned roommate) - total calories about 330, fine for breakfast (though low on protein in the scheme of it all...). Here's what was funny: I felt like I was eating a ton of food! It was so yummy, satisfying and plenty of food. This is exactly how it is supposed to work, but I'm still continually surprised...

And then at lunch, I had on of my "emergency" frozen meals from Whole Foods. It was Chicken Tikka, and the whole container was 490 calories but I'd already figured there was no way I was going to eat the 1 c. of rice on the left side of the little plastic tray. So, I planned to eat the chicken, sauce and about 1/4 c. of rice (and tossed the rest). Again, figured it'd be about 300-350 calories, just fine for lunch...but the funny part was I couldn't even finish what I set out to eat! I had to put about 1/2 c. of the chicken/sauce/rice in the fridge. It's shocking to me every time.

For dinner, I had 5 vegetarian "chicken wings" which are essentialy spicey chicken nuggets in the shape of a baby drumstick. Silly. I dipped them in a little blue cheese dressing or BBQ sauce. About 250 calories here. And I was full. Shame on me, I know, for not having any veggies. I've been horrible about that and it's shocking to me since I love veggies so much...

Today though is my 5-month surgeon appointment along with a check-in with my nutritionist. It's always good to hit the 'reset' button with these monthly visits - plus, it's proven that those who show up each month for follow-up lose a lot more weight, more quickly, than those who don't. More to come - Sunday is my official 5-month!

p.s. Thanks to all for your nice replies to my last post. I appreciate that you all enjoy reading my stuff and I will try to post even when it feels perhaps a bit dull to do so - just so you know I'm alive & kickin' :)

Who'dat?

My friend Mikey took this photo of me at work yesterday. I had to look at it for a while and found myself wondering, "Who is that?" It's just funny how much I've changed in the last 5 months. Shocking really - but good. I've popped in a photo of me at my highest weight of (horror) 262 last June for comparison.

Apologies for my lack of posting. I think when the scale isn't moving I sort of feel like a fraud posting away about how nothing is happening! I know, I'm being silly, but it's true. Since the scale is stuck around 206, I'll just tell ya about a few NSVs to raise my spirits and remind us all that it's not all about the number!

1) My sister Kate gave me back a pair of pants in December that I had worn last time I had gotten 'skinny' back 6 or 7 years ago. I tried them on at xmas and they were tight on 'the kid' (you know, that lovely lower abdominal fat roll). So, I tried again in mid-January and they were still too tight. Popped'em on last week and found that I'd missed the window! Now they're too big. So there.

2) Just had my 3rd session with the trainer this morning. He's a fantastic guy and really is helping me keep it real, achieveable and productive. I only lift one other day (Sat. or Sun., whenever I feel like it) - it feels easy and doable, but boy the ole'bod hurts so I know something is happening in there! Plus, it's just nice to not spend the whole time on the elliptical, despite my love for it.

3) I think I put together that my insane tightness was likely not fill-related! So, two months ago during PMS time I got insanely tight for about 4 days. Last month though, nuthin' - PMS was just fine. However, when I got me'ole monthly pal on Saturday I put it all together!!! It seems that one ovary has a PMS perscription that involves more bloat (hence, tightness) and a rougher PMS time followed up with an 'easy' period. The other ovary is kind in the PMS regard but brutal when it comes to the actual period. So, now I know - and if I'm freaking out over insane tightness in April, feel free to remind me that it's just my cranky ovary squeezing my band.

4) The Steelers won the Superbowl! Now, how is this an NSV? Well, I figure I had my heart rate up for an additional 3 hours this week as a result of that game, whipping my Terrible Towel around and just generally having several heart attacks throughout it. (Yes, I live in Seattle, and yes, you read correctly, I am a Steelers fan - originally from PA).

My 5-month anniversary is on Sunday, so expect updated photos within a few days. As usual I feel like I look exactly the same, but photos don't lie, which is why I do it. Plus, it is fun to see the transformation, no?

p.s. Update on my sister Megan, who is coming up on her 1 month bandiversary on the 16th: she was down 18 pounds at her 1 week appointment (pre/post op losses combined) and is quite pleased with the growing gap on the waistline of her pants. Her first fill is at the end of February, and she's in the "crap, my hunger is back" stage but is sticking to her guns, following the rules and holding out for her fill. Go Meggie!!!! :)

Good Work People!

I just wanted to say good work on the prior post people! Indeed, my two key points were (1) I fit in the seat in the first place and (2) the copious amount of slack on the belt! Luckily, I've never needed a seatbelt extension - however, I've practically stood up in the seat and hooked the belt down around my legs and then stuffed myself into it in order to avoid the extension...

Last weekend I hung out in Santa Cruz & San Francisco and had a great time! I caught my relfection a couple times in store windows and hardly recognized myself. It's funny how just changing the environment around you allows you to see yourself differently - likely why people make many sweeping changes in their lives all at once.

Eating is going a bit better, though I'm being a little nuts about it all...I'm still monitoring things and figure I'll address the whole thing with my surgeon at my next regular appointment (mid-feb.). The issue is this basically: before, I could eat about anything, though in limited quantities, but I could still eat in a way that felt, well, normal. Now, I'm forced to eat ridiculously slow (like, 45 minutes to eat 4 oz. of fish and 1/2 cup of brussel sprouts) or I feel stuck after 5 bites of runny oatmeal in the a.m. I'll admit, this is hard and is kind of sucking - though, until I hit the goal weight, I'm willing to endure what it takes. I'm just hoping to have things level out soon.

No new weight loss to report, but I had a quick drop just then, so no worries on that. Hope everyone is well! Thanks & welcome to all the new folks who are reading :)

Ok WLS Folks...

What is significant about this self-portrait of me on an airplane? :)

Too much fill?

So this fill has officially 'kicked in' - I don't think I've eaten a meal since this weekend that actually was easy to eat. It's taking me about an hour to eat 1/2 c. of hot cereal...not that it stays hot, of course...I eat and I just feel, well, backed up - and it doesn't take much to illicit a hearty PB - only 2 serious ones this week, but many sliming incidents too. It's a little exhausting, but without a doubt I think this may be true restriction on the highest order.

So, you're thinking - 'fabu Jenn! you shall have the pounds melt off!' - but not so young grasshopper. What is true is this: I have only been able to eat maybe 4 or 5 bites of solid food before I feel stuck and/or start getting slimey. So I stop. And then I get hungry in an hour or two, since I've really not eaten, and then eat something soft & easy. "Soft Food Syndrome" as they call it in lap-band land, is when you can't get solids down and switch to soft foods and liquids - which are significantly more calorie dense than solid food. When this happens, people actually gain weight, despite having more restriction. Not good. Big fear. Uncool. Double non-bonus: I'm focusing on eating my protein first so I don't go bald, and that means minimal veggies or grains...which equals minimal, uh, fiber. And we'll leave it at that.

I'm going to give it a little more time and see what unfolds - I'm at 2cc's in my 4cc band. In the meantime, I'm taking a good hour to eat insanely small portions of food just to be safe, which is plum exhausting - way more to think about than I'd like - not to mention sometimes one doesn't really have a whole hour to eat 1/2 c. of chicken salad. Don't get me wrong - it's not utter misery or anything - and maybe I just have to get used to it, another adjustment (figuratively & literally). I'll keep you posted...of course, if any bandsters out there have thoughts, please advise.

p.s. On an upside, I started working out with a trainer this week! Ouch, but yay!

Sometimes, I just don't want to know...

I think sometimes I honestly avoid the scale because I just don't want to know. I can clearly tell and feel when I'm losing weight - and when I'm not. Not like I'm going to blow up over night, but it's been a little challenging lately (emotionally) as lots has been going on for me and I'll admit, I've been eating out and um, drinking out just a bit. I'm sure all is not lost - it's just awesome when you can feel the weight falling off of you and cheerfully jump on the scale without hesitation.

In other news, I had the most wicked PB ever last night. Sweet mary, I thought I was going to die - and I have to say, it was, as usual, 100% user error. I ate about 1/2 cup of pasta lubed up with a little butter...and as evidenced by what I saw later, I didn't chew very well. This was, however, the first time a PB grossed me out to the point where I got nauseated and actually vomited (though nothing came up). Of course as I'm dry-heaving I'm panicking totally that my lap-band will dislodge or slip and I'm trying to do all vomit-avoidance techniques I employed when I drank too much back in college (count from 100 backwards, have a piece of hard candy, 'choose' not to vomit - just say no, etc.)...nothing worked. But, the whole gruesome ordeal did end eventually, but man it sucked. And it's so lame when it was all my fault. For shame.

Two-Oh!

It's quite nice to be in the two-oh's...that is, two-oh-six as of today - a total loss of 52 pounds. This explains my feeling skinny; it's not just a feeling - it seems to be a reality. Since last Wednesday's fill, the scale has shown a loss of 5 pounds...after a 3-weekish holiday drought, this is excellent news. What's more interesting to me is that I could actually see it before it was 'proven' on the scale. Now there's a good time!

The next big goal of course is to reach Onederland - yes, another lil' weight-loss-surgery-community term that refers to the blessed day when your weight actually starts with a "1" since pretty much everyone who takes this journey starts with a "2" or "3." This should not be confused with the "Century Club" - which refers to one who has dropped 100 pounds. The day I reach that goal is the day I'm basically done...so we'll look forward to that later this year. After reaching Onederland, my next goal is to be what I lied and said I weighed on my license...190. :)

p.s. Check out my ticker...I'm officially past my 1/2 way point. How exciting!

Feeling Skinny

Why is it that nothing changes between one day and the next, yet one day you feel like a big fat cow and the next a skinny minny? Seriously, I feel so skinny today it's freaky. Eh, I'll take what I can get :)

I started up my "yoga for round bodies" class again tonight. I fear after this 6-week cycle I may not be round enough for it any longer, but I'm guessing they wouldn't exactly give me the boot. It kicked my butt as it did last time around. I dig it though, and it's really interesting to me now, as one of the smaller folks in the class, to see all of these larger women getting themselves out there and doing something good for their bodies. It's very cool. There are 3 or 4 lapbanders in there as well. The highlight, however, was when my co-worker Amy - who sees me every single day in regular/work clothes - didn't recognize me at first because I looked so skinny in my workout garb with my hair pulled back in ponytail. Seriously. How cool is that?

For the lap-banders who read: My 2 cc fill is awesome. I can eat about 1 cup of food tops, and am typically happy with less. I feel like it's moving again. I love that this thing is adjustable! Amen!!!

In other news, my freshly lap-banded sister looks great! I saw her tonight and all seems well. She's on liquids and is not very hungry (3-days post-op). I took her some cauliflower puree I made last night (it rocked!) to use as a soup base for something a little more riveting than protein shakes and broth. Her incisions look good and are healing up nicely, so all is well. It's funny for me because that time for me seems like eons ago, but it was only 4 months back! I can't believe the difference in such a short amount of time. (You won't either, Meg!)

Tomorrow is Friday! Rahoo!!!!!!!

NSV

So several years ago I went to this fancy downtown spa with a gift certificate I'd gotten. The 19-year-old check-in girl was less than empathetic when the standard size robe wouldn't close for me...so she said, "well, I guess I'll have to find something for you..." and came back with a gigantic white tent-like thing for me to wear. I stuck out like a sore thumb, er, a gigantic sore thumb... It was horrible, though I was keen to get my treatments so it didn't ruin my time, but i remember feeling like a freak amongst the regular-sized folk.

Now, I tell this story only because it occurred to me today as I went to the fancy spa (a different one) and was able to wear their XL robe as oversized fashion - I'm sure had I grabbed a plain ole' L it would've fit just fine. So, apparently I'm now not so fat as to preclude me from spending way too much money having someone take care of my body for me. Ra-hoo!

In other news, it seems my new fill is sufficient as I'm having to eat as slow as molasses to avoid the stuck-in-the-throat feeling after three bites. It took me an hour to eat about a 2/3 c. piece of egg/corn tortilla pie that I had leftover from brunch this weekend. And it required a good bit of salsa & sour cream to lube it down. All good news though! Since I just lobbed off 3 pounds I'm not expected any near-term miracles, but I feel like I'm on track in a good way.

p.s. My younger sister Meg got a lap-band on Monday! She's clicking along so far - she dropped 10 lbs on her pre-op diet and is off & running (so to speak...)

Finally Fifty. 50. That's five-zero.

So, ok, it was bound to happen: The freakin' scale moved! FINALLY. It was frustrating to the point where I just stayed off the scale for a few days. I was exhausted seeing the same thing. But, as I hoped, the post-fill liquid/soft food days functioned as a reset button. Today the scale said a firm 208 - that's a 50-pound total loss! I swear I could've burst into tears on the scale - but instead I just stared and it and felt happy so as not to look like a freak at the gym.

In other related news, I went to two regular-size-people stores and was actually able to buy something! I got an XL Charter Club sweater at Macy's *not* in Women's World and then a very cool XL shirt at J. Jill followed up with the crowning jewel: A Size L sweater, also from J. Jill. Now then, I realize sizes vary, but how goddamn cool is it to have something with an "L" on the tag in my closet? Well, you know the answer. Pretty f*cking cool.

Last, I called the first surgeon's office whom I had started with in June just to see if I weighed more and indeed, I did. In June, I was a burgeoning 262. So, the real good news is that since June I've lost 54 pounds. But I'm keeping my official total/ticker to what I was when I went to my surgeon in August. Still, all good news, no?

p.s. Sorry for my erratic posting - break-up land has been less-than-palatable... I recently learned that one of the stages of grief is depression - somehow I didn't know this. I seem to be well past denial (stage 1), and am now bouncing around between stages 2, 3 & 4 - anger, bargaining and depression, respectively - all while looking forward to stage 5, acceptance. Seems the depression part tends to preclude me from posting. Thanks for all your nice messages reminding me to come back - it helps!

4-Month Bandiversary!

Well today is the 4-month anniversary of me getting my lapband. I weighed in at my surgeon's office 6 pounds down since my last fill - while it feels slow and depressing, the truth is for the time period of Dec. 11 - Jan. 12, one really shouldn't be complaining. He assured me that many folks coming in for their monthly appointments were not experiencing the same sense of accomplishment :) So, that was good news. I got filled up to 2.0 cc's as expected.

Six pounds doesn't feel very exciting or significant, and I am still hanging out at a 47-pound total loss. I've posted new photos, but honestly can't tell much of a difference this time around - though, in the companion naked photos (from which I will spare you), there is definite difference between last time and this time - particularly in my chest/shoulders (but unfortunately not boobs) and in my low back/butt.

My sister shot my photos this month (thank you Hoolie!) - since she took the naked ones, she took a look at my compliations of the past 4 months. We looked in backward order - from now back to September 10...her comment was, "Jeez Jenny, you look like a marshmellow blowing up in a microwave!" :)

Flattening Out and Filling Up

This is getting a little old. I have weighed the exact same amount now for weeks...it's ok. I know. It'll move again. I know. It's normal, natural and expected. I KNOW. But f*ck if it isn't exhausting, hard, disheartening, frustrating and disillusioning. One of my friends said, "Oh, so super gold star weight loss champion Jenn is - god forbid - just like everyone else and has hit a plateau!"...I laughed, he's right. It happens. To everyone...I'm not that special - this I realize.

Today I'm off to the surgeon today and planning to get a small fill, likely taking me up to 2.0cc's in my band. I'm at 1.6 or so right now. I'm a little scared - right now my level of PB's is ok, I can eat just about everything (save for sushi & eggs) - the idea of barfing more often produces ungodly anxiety for me.

I don't know how bulimics do it - and I'm not being disrespectful here. I get eating disorders, I even qualified as a compulsive eater for a good chunk of my life and did some heartly dabbling in self-starvation in tandem. I get that an eating disorder - no matter how it's acted out, starving, barfing or extreme overeating - is about self-hatred. Those feelings truly ended for me a good 4 years ago and I am grateful. That said, I never choose bulimia as my way of acting out because I hate to vomit. So the Dreaded PB, as it's called, f*cking exhausts me. It is brutal to me every time, even when it's a "little" one. My last one wasn't bad, a few good horks and it cleared and I was fine. But I swear to god I feel like I've been physically assaulted when it's done...hence, my fill-related fear.

I am, however, looking forward to the post-fill ritual of a day of liquids, then soft food/mushies for a few days before working solids back into the mix. Though starving used to be a sign of emotional pain for me, now it's almost a humbling, grounding experience - and being on liquids typically involves some significant hunger. It's like a big fat reset button, reminding me how little I truly need to survive and that being hungry isn't the end of the world and I won't die. Last, it usually produces a 2-3 pound loss over the first week or two post-fill, which right now, would make me do a backflip or two.

Fill Desperation

Ok, so there have always been posts on my message board that embody what I call "fill desperation" - that is, people freaking out that their weight loss is stalling and who are dying for a fill. Well, now I'm one of them!

I've spent the last week freaking out a bit - despite going to the gym every day and eating within the range, things are just stalled out. No movement in a while now...and I'll admit, I'm more anxious about this than I'd expect. There are variables, I know - perhaps it's those egg-nog lattes catching up with me (along with all of the other holiday cheer, er, alcohol, sugar, etc.)...and I am PMS-ish, but not really officially enough to count it.

I have a fill appointment on the 11th - that's a week or so away. I am planning on .5 or so to bring me up to 2.0cc's. Until then, I'm just trying to stay on track using fitday to make sure I'm not exceeding the calorie-intake goal, workout daily and not to stress out too much. It's hard though, to have it go from being so easy to suddening being so hard. I haven't craved food or been hungry in a long time! This is the joy and pain of the adjustable band - sometimes it adjusts itself to where it just isn't working as well as you'd like...the upside being you can fix it with one big fat needle and a knowledgable surgeon.

Maybe my body is just catching up. But I am terrified that this is it - that I won't lose another ounce and I'll be stuck at this weight forever more. Silly. Irrational. Ridiculous. But oh-so-real to me in this moment.

p.s. Apologies for the short hiatus, nothing is really up, just got busy with the new year and didn't have much to say until now :)

p.s.s. Thanks for all of the nice replies to my last post!!!

Big Fat Post

Well folks, it's that day of the year where we all think about what was and what will be. So, here is a big fat post covering everything I can think of...

First: The end of year weigh-in/update

Ok, for some reason I've never actually posted my weight - why, I don't know. I suppose I fear judgment by the skinny/normal-sized people who would jump off the Aurora bridge if they weighed what I weigh today - though I LOVE what I weigh today! It's all relative, and I'm smart enough to know this, but still - it's hard to negotiate it. So, here are my honest-to-god stats:




Start Weight: 258
Weight Today: 211 (that's down a total of 47 pounds!)

Pants Size B4: Size 24 Size Today: Size 16

















Top Size B4: Size 22/24, 3X
Today: Size 14/16, 1X

So, how's that for a look back? 47 pounds lost, and down 5 sizes. Ra-f*cking-hoo!!!!!!!

Second: The Goal-Setting

Small goals and big goals, that's what I've got for y'all. Are you ready? Feel free to hold me accountable!

Daily Goals:
- Take thyroid meds every day (I'm HORRIBLE at this!)
- Drink the g'damn water (also been slack-ass sally here)
- Call the trainer *this week* and integrate lifting weights into daily workouts ASAP
- And for the love of God, keep doing what's working:

• Plan to go to the gym *every single day* making it ok to miss it now and again; and push it, don't get complacent - keep increasing goals monthly!
• Keep caloric intake to around 1000-1200 daily.
• Take in occasional, minimal sugar only as a treat - never daily or regularly, and never, ever, ever as a reward. Oh, and limit the liquid calories overall - save up for the things you really want (i.e., martinis, wine, soy mochas...)
  
• Stay sane and reasonable about the whole thing! Integrate it into real life in a real way, so it is sustainable forever.
• And, keep being proud of yourself, Jennifer.

Bigger Goals:
- Lose 26 pounds before trip to Europe on April 1st (weight goal: 185)
- Meet goal weight by August 15th - another 30 pounds between April 1 - August 15 (weight goal: 155 - this is my end goal weight!)
- Do the Danskin Triathlon August 19-20!!!! (Addendum: Train like a m'f for this all summer)
- Find good plastic surgeon for required plastic surgery by September 1st; nip/tuck (in a big way) by November 1st.

Other Goals:
- Start writing and mean it; be vigilant and take it seriously. To that end, read more.
- Keep spending time alone and or just quiet time doing only and exactly what you want to do.
- Plan sabbatical trip for early 2007 (Australia and New Zealand?)
- Date. Consistently, no matter how hard it is to get out there. Keep at it until something really good comes along - that is to say, no settling.
- Evaluate career; figure out what's next and set a timeline.

How's that look? And, what about you??

Can't hardly wait!

So, I was cleaning the house the other day and found a batch of um, well, naked photos from the last time I lost weight. Back then, pre-digital, I'd schlep over to my local Fred Meyer and pick them up from the clerk, who always shot me a funny little smirk. But hey, not like they are sexy photos or anything...they're weight loss photos for pete's sake. Anyhow...

As I was going through them, I had dated and put my weight on the back of each one. The difference between where I am now and just another 20 pounds will be phenomenal! I mean, I realize in these photos I was like 26, so things likely won't look that good...but still, I actually looked like a relatively normal-sized person. I was shocked. And then I thought, "I can't hardly wait!!!" and it's so within reach and in a way that feels real and permanent. I'm already noticing how much smaller I am in so many ways, but to think that's what to come...yippee! Talk about motivating! And, these photos I was still about 35 pounds above what is now my goal weight. I guess as you peel back the layers, literally, the impact of each pound is more and more apparent.

For contrast here, I found a really um, big picture of myself from last Christmas. Talk about a "robust constitution" (I recently heard on NPR the French president being described this way):
I just love that I don't look like this anymore. Thank god. Here's my and Mikey a couple weeks ago...much better.






Been getting to the gym, eating ok (only two more eggnog lattes allowed - I'm cut off on January 1) and looking forward to getting back to work, and to a routine. Later all! :)

Nothing says "Work Out Hard" Like a Rock Star

Those of you who know me know I love Death Cab for Cutie (we'll call'em DCFC here for short). So, the lead singer, Ben Gibbard works out at my gym (so does Dave Matthews, and members of Sound Garden & Pearl Jam...but I digress). None of them matter. Ben matters though, because I love DCFC. The man writes the most poignant, intense, gut-wrenching lyrics, and sings them well to boot. (If you don't know them, click on the DCFC link above, you'll get a sampling.)

So, today I enter the gym and there is Ben in all his sweaty glory on an exercise bike! I avert my eyes, of course, so as not to be a star-struck freak, but am tickled nonetheless. I am not the type to bother someone when they're trying to exercise - that is an unglamourous time to be bothered, I don't care who you are. A friend (also a fan) shows up and we giggle together "there's Ben!" - no worries, Ben is happily listening to his iShuffle, so he cannot hear us - and is facing a different direction, so he cannot see us.

I hop on my elliptical and work out as if I am a rock star myself! I mean really, who wants to look like a workout wimp in front of one of their favorite singers on earth?? (Because of course Ben is carefully monitoring the intensity of my workout, esp. since he can't see or hear me...). If only Ben was there everyday - I think I'd be at my goal weight in no time if I worked out at that level all of the time! :) His mere presence kicked my heart rate up 10 notches or so.

Note: He did have good, proper gym etiquette as he cleaned up his machine before heading out. Now that is a good rockstar!

p.s. For those of you who think he's chunked up a bit, I have to disagree - seeing him in workout garb, he's actually rather fit; I think it's his round face that does him a disservice in this arena.

Calorie generosity

So I've been pretty darn generous with myself over the holidays - eating pretty much whatever I want, and making that possible by balancing out the calories throughout the day. Yes, that means skipping some meals...I know, I know - but it's two weeks people! And my eggnog lattes, soon to be seasonal-history, count as meal replacements. Not exactly healthy ones, but hey.

So today I was having one of my usual/easy meals - dropped eggs on toast - two poached eggs on top of two slices of light toasted bread (80 cals for both) - it's a 300 calorie meal. I thought, "I'll forego the usual butter...save the calories." Great. Well, someone called and I stopped paying attention to my eating. Without the butter to moisten it up, coupled with my eating too fast...it worked out to one egg, one toast...one big fat PB. User error, 100%. By far the WORST part of having a lap-band. It's been several weeks since the last one, so I can't complain really...but geez. Bummer. And after, I'm always terrified to eat again (as she sips her 'lunch'...)...

XL...XXL? Still??? Seriously?!?

So yesterday I had two clothing events. I went to REI only to find that their women's XL is still a little snug for my taste...ok, moderately depressing, but whatever. Later that day, I found myself at Eddie Bauer's sale rack, and found that the XXL fit like a charm. Seriously. That's ex-ex-f*cking-ell....

How depressing is that!?!? I mean, really, I know I've lost 45 pounds at this point (yep, that's an update - down 1 more), but it sucks to feel on one hand, "wow, I'm not so big anymore..." but then good 'ole mainstream society sucker-punches with the XXL tag in the shirt you want to buy. WTF? I'm in the precarious position of not being able to wear mainstream clothes just yet, but finding the smallest size at the ole'LB too big (on top, anyway..I'm still one of ample hippage...). So, I'll make do - I am smart enough not to let this impact me in a big way, but really people! XXL?? ;)

p.s. I wore a L t-shirt for my workout yesterday, so I do realize I'm not really an XXL...

Foodie & Bandster: Is it possible?

Ok, those of you who don't know me can likely surmise from this blog that I'm a foodie - I love to cook, try all sorts of foods, and eat out at interesting restaurants. I've been able to eat out quite a bit lately and it's been fine in terms of weight loss - but this week, I actually cooked up two really nice meals for friends. I really spare no expense in terms of calories - I believe fancier meals should use the 'real' ingredients. The good news is that I just can't eat that much of it - so I don't worry about it. And, I'm having a blast cooking again! I was so afraid to lose this part of me once I had the band, and with other events in my life, am just now at a place of being excited to have people over again.

So what did I cook? The first meal was a salad with homemade blue cheese dressing with bacon and hazelnuts over an ice berg wedge, and then sliced filet mignon over arugula with a cauliflower puree (yes, with butter and half'n'half). We had a few cookies for dessert. Tonight, we started with a little caprese salad (fresh mozzerella, tomatoes, basil & olive oil), with a main course of a boneless pork loin chop along with a delicata squash w. cranberry mushroom stuffing. On the side was a really nice tomato-roasted shallot relish (which was spicier than expected, though guestboy was happy to eat it all!) We finished with a spinach salad w. blue cheese dressing, bacon & hazelnuts (a (imho better) variation on the other night).

What's so cool is that I could eat these two meals! While I carefully ate 1/2 of the 6 oz. pork chop, and easily 1/2 of the squash...and I had 4 small slices of the filet the other night (2-3 oz.), it's plenty. I'm never left unsatisfied, feeling ripped off, or hungry. And I get to cook and be me! Yay!

Tour de Gorge

Can you believe there is a whole sport around competitive eating?? http://www.ifoce.com/index.php - take a look - it's true! So this morning at the gym (of all places) they had the Thanksgiving Invitational Tour de Gorge on, where about 10 gi-normous men stuffed themselves full of pumpkin pies. I couldn't actually watch - those kinds of things gross me out. But my god. I had no idea during my personal 34-year Tour de Gorge I couldn't been raking in some serious dough! Perhaps even enough to pay for my lapband? It was just shocking, funny & odd to see it at the gym - and horrifying that these people learn to gorge/binge and then apparently puke it up in a bucket. One guy's "stats" showed that he once ate 7 pounds of cabbage in 9 minutes - now would you want to be in the bathroom stall next to that dude the following day? I think not. The whole thing is just delightful! I suppose we all need hobbies...

Tonight was my sister's wedding - and my band was snug, so I really wasn't able to eat much - to my dismay, the food was good and I would've loved a few more bites, but as it was I think I snuck too many sips of water and got some too-full-wicked-shoulder-pain (remnants of the gas from surgery...which hurts like a m.f., btw). So, that was less-than-ideal, but man, I didn't really eat much at all:

1/3 c. artichoke dip-like stuff
a few tortilla chips (literally, like 5 mini rounds)
2 bites of bread
3 bites of green salad
3 bites of chicken
2 bites of potato
1 spoonful of corn
2 small bites of cupcake, a little later...

Just a touchy night for the ole' lapband it seems. Anyhow, I did well - though it's a lot easier when I can dish myself up and limit what is on my plate rather than sitting there (after my 4 bites are done with) while everyone eats a giant plate of food, staring at my plate, thinking of having just one more bite - and it's that freakin' bite that puts me over the top, dammit.

Moving Again

You know, this whole thing - the lap band - just fascinates me at times. I've lost another two pounds as of this morning's weigh in, bringing me to a total loss of 44 pounds which is just shocking to me, since I've had a cookie or two (or four...) at work due to holiday festivites, and I'm addicted to eggnog/eggnog lattes (ok, I've had a total of 4 - 1/2 c. servings of eggnog in the past week...but still! it feels over-the-top since they're 170 calories each! good grief!).

Somehow I just expect I'd be blowing up...but I've worked out for the past 4 days, am getting my water in and well, I guess it's just working. In order to lose 50 by New Year's I'd have to sew my jaw shut or do full liquids (eggnog?? ;) so I don't expect that will be happening. I think I'll revise my goal to just not have a goal for the moment - I'm excited to get to 50 pounds soon, and it will be soon! And 60 will be especially noteworthly as that will get me to an actual number on the scale that is exciting to me. So, onward!

p.s. Hope everyone (esp. my WLS pals) are doing ok with the holiday onslaught of sugar and stuff! Ug! It's a lap-banders blessing to be able to indulge in sugar now and again, but it's also a curse that we still can choose to!

Then & Now

Here are two photos of me with my sister Julie. The first is at our birthday party in June (our bdays are a week apart) and the second is from last night, at her bridal shower. It's funny, I see it and I don't...but there is a difference! (Cheezy grins aside :)

Also, thank you all for your thoughful comments on the last post (especially you Dad!) - I appreciate the encouragement, support and kicks in the butt. Incidentally, I did get to the gym yesterday and did my usual hour+ walk this morning. Oh yeah, and I got on the scale yesterday - I was exactly the same, despite being conviced I gained 5 pounds or something. Not an ounce; progress is the goal however, it was nice to see that even in the face of a week or so of adversity things do not go south too fast.

I realize it's all a process - and I know it just takes time. I'm just glad the clock keeps ticking...

Busy or Bad?

Ok, here's my secret: When I don't post for several days, one of two things is going on. Either I'm really busy, or I'm being bad. This short hiatus is a result of both, actually. Another work trip to Portland coupled with existing plans makes for a busy Jenn. (Aside: I had another fantastic dinner at Park Kitchen though, worth the trip to PDX just to eat there, I swear! As an added bonus, I had fun flirting with the adorable, responsive (and sadly, coupled) server.)

However, my true confession is that I've been struggling a bit otherwise. I've not been to the gym since Monday - I'm just exhausted I think. Break-up land is just not a happy place and drains me; work has been busy, business travel messes up the schedule and is tiring in a whole other way. Not to make excuses, but god - I can only do so much, you know? That said, you'd think I'd compensate with my eating. Nope. I've been taking in more liquid calories than normal (re: discovered eggnog lattes...sweet mary...yum!, had a few martinis/wine/margaritas/greyhounds...) and I've been eating holiday chocolates to boot.

Jezuz Jennifer!!!! For shame, really. I dropped the equivalent of a low-end new car's worth of cashola for my lapband, I LOVE how I feel 42 pounds lighter, I love how I look, my confidence, and the fact that I actually believe and can see getting down to a normal size person. But right now, I feel like a giant f*ck up; while at the same time, I realize we can't all do it perfectly all of the time, right? It'll pass. But I'm a bit digusted with myself this week. Now you know.

Three Months Today!

Well, it seems like it was an eon ago, but it's been three months as of today since I went under the 'ole knife. I've lost a total of 42 pounds! I couldn't be happier...well, if I was at 50 maybe :)

But seriously, I'm really in no rush, oddly enough. I'm enjoying the journey, and realizing that having your body change this much takes time - both physically and emotionally. It's a strange thing to keep up with in your mind, and difficult to articulate. But, I will say there are just times it feels funny, odd, and disconnected being in this body - even though I like it a lot...

Since last month, I've dropped 8 pounds - and to be honest, I can't tell a striking difference in the photos, but there are some nuances if you study them long enough (which I did). Once again, the head-chopped-off photos do the most justice, so here's one. You can see the full lot of front/back/side monthly photos on my other blog here. And, at this point, I am frightened by just how big I was in the beginning - holy crap - it's all relative, but man, when I compare then and now...well, it's just a little shocking.

3-Month Post-Op Visit

I saw my surgeon yesterday for my 3-month visit. I did not get a fill - as mentioned - I seem to be doing just fine and have enough restriction. By his scale, I lost 11 pounds since my last fill, which is awesome! I weigh in about 2 pounds heavier there since I have clothes on and have eaten, drank water, etc. throughout the day. Still at a 40 pound loss overall.

I'll have 3-month pictures on Monday - I don't expect to see a huge difference between last time adn this time, but we'll see. Either way, I'm cooking along...though the scale, as of yesterday, hadn't moved in a week! :( It will, I know. Patience, Jennifer.

Baked Horror

Today a co-worker was eating a sub - a big fat one with crusty bread. In the past, I'd'a put that whole 12" thing away! To look at even 1/2 of it now is terrifying to me! Baked horror, that's what big crusty hunks of bread mean to me now. That thing would've put me in the ER. I can eat bread - thinly sliced, crusty or better yet, crunchy, with butter or oil to help it along. Oh, and one piece, not 12.

On another note, I had a fantastic meal last night at Portland's ClarkLewis restaurant - but also had the *worst* PB ever. Turns out homemade pasta - and it's gooey, glutenous, soft consistency - is not the lap-band's friend. And I only had literally a couple bites... Lesson learned - no three strikes rule for this one - it is OUT.

Lap-Band Jambalaya

I'm in Portland again for work and tried out a local haunt called Le Bistro Montage last night. What a fun place! Cajun influence, funky space and great energy. Not too hard on the wallet either.

I ordered the jambalaya which allowed you to choose your meats - so I chose chicken, scallops & andouille sausage. So, what does a lapbander do with a good 2 cups+ of this dish? Well, she starts milling through the bowl, one end to the other, picking out the meat...pausing at the 1/2-way point for one spoonful of rice; and then once again at the end. I had one 2" round piece of bread to start (w/butter) and a few spoonfuls of a lovely chocolate pot de creme for dessert. Oh, and a smallish martini. This was a good meal, handled well and in my book successful! Why? Well, I was full, had good food out with a friend, didn't overeat, got to have some of everything and the best part...at the end, ZERO GUILT.

In other news, I took Friday off from the gym for the first time in weeks and weeks! And, unfortunately, it looks like today I may get a 1/2 hour walk around downtown portland in -but I do feel some guilt here - two days off so close together! I just don't want to lose my mojo on the exercise. But, I will go every day for the rest of the week and it'll be fine. Haven't weighed in lately either - kinda don't care, as I know I'm doing well. I have a fill appointment on Friday, but I think I'm filled enough - I'm losing, not very hungry and PB'ing just enough to know that I don't want to be any tighter (at least as long as I'm still losing weight).

Happy Monday all! Have a good day :)

Reflections

The last few times I've caught my reflection in a window or mirror I've been a little shocked. I guess I don't spend quality time in front of my mirror at home (however, do not confuse this with a lack of vanity :). Seriously though, I forget what I look like now. Totally, completely forget. It's strange, but don't suppose it's abnormal. And actually, it's good - because I'm pleasantly surprised each and every time.

Lately I think I've come to terms with the fact that I'll be needin' some plastics when I'm done. Before, I figured, 'no way...I'm too crunchy for plastic surgery - besides, I'm married and happy and who cares - this is about being healthy!' and truly, I'm not that vain - but this isn't really about vanity. It's about having a giant hunk of skin hanging off the front of my body. Not pretty to think about? Well, imagine having it right there. The idea of a hip-to-hip incision, a homemade belly button and cut'n'pasted nipples terrifies me, but the end result doesn't scare me one bit (though last I checked, the frankenstein look wasn't exactly 'in'). What will I have done? Judging by how things are looking so far, a tummy tuck & boob job should do the trick, perhaps a slight inner thigh lift (which they often throw in for "free" with the other two). I even found a local surgeon to start researching - apparently she is known for making boobs look especially 'pretty.' I'm all for that.

Before, I was married, planning to have kids...it just didn't make sense to do plastics before that. Now, I've realized that with my marriage went the possibility of bearing children. I'm 34, and there's *no way* I'd be ready to have a kid with anyone else within the next 3-4 years, and that takes me past my cut-off age (and single parenting is not for me).

So, it dawned on me that the right time to do plastics is when you're about 10-20 pounds from goal - which is looking like will be within the next year. It took me a good 9 months of thoughtful, hearty research to really be ready for my lapband - with it's 4 punch holes and two tiny incisions. This one feels so freaky and scary and big, I thought it best to get the ball rolling. So there it is.

p.s. WLS folk: Any thoughts? Resources? What's your plan?

Special to Lap-Banders/WLS Folk

A woman on my message board posted this awesome compilation of information intended for "newbies" - but I grabbed the link and am posting it here for a few reasons. One, it's just a lot of good lap-band information and links all in one place. Second, it's a great post to refer family/friends to who want to 'get it.' And third, well, I didn't want to lose it :)

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/LapBand/postdetail/256930.html?vc=0

I wrote her a note and suggested she add a "Personal Lap-Band Blogs" segment since there are so many of us who catalog our journey this way. Either way, it is a useful post jam-packed with goodies!

Oh, and I added a few more links to some of your sites ----> (let me know if you have a blog you'd like me to link to!)

Hope everyone is well! I'm just plugging away - nothing earthshattering to report.