:: {she shrinks} ::

2008-09-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

3 Years Today - and That's a Wrap, Folks!

Well, today is the 3 year anniversary of my weight loss surgery. I hover around 163 give or take 2 pounds, and I'm happy. I wear a Size 8 when I'm lucky, and a Size 10 the rest of the time. I feel great, I eat to hunger and so long as I avoid sugar and do my exercise (Bikram Yoga is my exercise of choice) I maintain my weight easily.

My band is just right - I run into problems maybe once or twice a month, which let's me know it's still working :) The rest of the time I eat smaller portions than 'normal' folks but by no means is it ridiculously small. Breakfast may be 1 egg with 1 piece of toast; lunch is 1 oz of cheese, 5 crackers and some nuts; dinner is 3-4 oz. of fish and some veggies and maybe a baby potato. I snack here and there.

Life is good, and I love my band and am happy I had weight loss surgery!!! Now, on with life. I teach Bikram Yoga which I love and am so happy I found it - the first exercise I could love. It keeps me honest and I love that about it. I'm wrapping up this blog here with this post. However, I have others on here where you can keep up with me. I am also on facebook (jenn steff) if you ever have lapband questions!

Thanks all for your love, support and for reading :)
Jenn

Now I look at this and think, "Who is she???"....

2008-03-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

Eating When Sick

After being sick since Monday, I finally thought a trip to the doctor was in order. Based on my symptoms, he called it out as Walking Pneumonia. It sounds more dramatic than it is - 3 days of antibiotics, an inhaler to help with the hacking cough, supplemented with dayquil/nightquil and advil....and rest, rest, rest.

I'm fortunate to have no intestinal distress, stomach issues or nausea. So that means I can effectively eat normally; however, when I am sick, I tend to want carbs. Not copious amounts, or inappropriate ones, but more than I'd usually want. So last night I made chicken noodle soup from scratch; today, I got some Tom Yum Gui while I waited for my RX but actually accepted the white rice...and so on. But my weight seems about the same (for this time of the month), and I'm not pigging out - it's just different. But it's ok, I'm not eating McDonald's or cupcakes; just finding I need (or want? or both...) a little more "white carbs" than normal.

Anyway, here's to wellness! And soon!

2008-03-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

Jenn Goes to Bikram Yoga Teacher Training!

Hello! Well about two weeks ago, I made a big decision. I wanted to share it with my closest friends and family first, as well as a few clients who will be impacted by this...I am going to go to Bikram Yoga Teacher Training!

Now, for those of you who don't know much about this, it's basically Yoga Boot Camp. You are removed from normal life for 9 weeks, and while there, you are in session from 9:30 a.m. - 10:30 p.m. (minimum) Monday - Friday, including two 90-minute hot yoga classes a day, lectures on everything from yoga history to anatomy to voice projection to how to run a studio; and then of course, memorizing the 90-minute Bikram dialogue verbatim, and being testing on it and your own understanding/performance of each posture. Saturday, you have one class at 8 a.m. and then you are "free" (to study, practice and study, and study...) the rest of Saturday, and all of Sunday.

Because this blog is really dedicated (though at times I'm sure it hasn't been clear...) to my weight loss, weight loss surgery, food struggles, diet, etc. I decided to create a separate Bikram teacher training blog. You can access it here:

http://yogabootcamp.blogspot.com/

On the She Shrinks blog, I will continue to post and talk about my experience but from the weight loss angle - struggles with eating, exercising this much and the impact on my body, successes and challenges that are relevant to the WLS community. That said, I hope some of you, my WLS peeps, will follow me as I go to training!

It takes place in Acapulco, Mexico, and I leave on April 5, returning on June 8. The blog has a handful of posts up about preparation, so if you're interested, check it out!

2008-03-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, She Bravely Posts....

Now, I could pick out everything wrong with my body....but instead, I'm gonna say "WOW!" and be happy with how far I've come!

A little bit of yoga on the beach, not perfect - now this posture I would love to pick apart, and you yogi people can see all of the corrections I need...in my defense, I was not in 105 degrees, and I was balancing on a bed frame! :)

2008-03-07T07:06:00.000-08:00

In Striking Contrast to That Last Post...

Oh dear. Cabo was not good to me. Well, I lie. It was fantastic! But oh, the calories, the laying around, the gluttony...boy, it was fun! Still, the scale read out was abysmal and will not be posted here until I go to task on some serious clean-up. Shouldn't take too long, but as usual, I am stunned at my body's ability to pack on so much weight so fast! Crazy, but a good reminder. (And not to worry, it was no where near the 17 pounds I packed on last summer when I went to Europe lap-bandless).

I am going to put up a better picture of me in the 2-piece soon (by better, I mean without Jill's thumb in the corner). It's a right of passage, I think, to bravely post the 2-piecer photo. No, I'm not a Baywatch chick, but for my age and history, I have to say, I paraded around happily as a clam in my suit(s) and had only the typical girl worries (like...is my boob falling out?) :)

2008-02-28T15:38:00.000-08:00

100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wanted to report the good news. After 2 and a half years, a few setbacks and a stubborn body at times...having started at 262 pounds, today I broke the 100-pound mark weighing in at 161.2! Yay, me! Not too far to go now....

2008-02-26T20:55:00.000-08:00

Nice Weigh-In Today!

That's 99.8 pounds lost. I thought about grabbing scissors and chopping off my hair to get there...and yes, of course I tried to pee (again) and even made an attempt at a #2....but no luck.

So, maybe in the next few days. I'm weighing every other day now; I couldn't stay focused just yet with 1x/week, so Jill suggested every other day and see how that goes for me - and that has been more reasonable. I'm also practicing not freaking out when the number is unappealing. Anyhow, Tuesday is my 'official' day, so I'm posting the results!

Only .2 pounds to go to the big 100 pound mark; and .5 more BMI to no longer be "overweight"!!!. By the way, I've NEVER seen a number this low on the scale in any memory I have. I remember 135 in 5th grade (!!!!) and then 180's in junior high/high school. So, today was very exciting! :)

2008-02-23T19:00:00.000-08:00

Have I Arrived?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately, with my new focus on a non-numbers-ruled life. When does it make sense to say, "Yep, I'm here!" and move on in life, vs. when does it make sense to be vigilant and keep pushing. This is where climbing an actual mountain does have appeal: You hit the top, there is no place else to go, so you turn around, go down - having indeed, "arrived."

So, for example, today I went to yoga - twice. I went to Hot Power Vinyasa with Saiko this morning with Jill for an ass-kicking 10 a.m. class that more than got me my money's worth. I can pretty much hold my own in Power now; I can do all the Planks and side planks and even Wheel (basically a backbend you pop up into from the floor), which I did 3 times, holding to a count of 10 the third time. I watch skinny girls all around me who aren't strong enough or lack the stamina; I'm not dissing them - as some days, I am one of "them" - but my point being, I am, generally speaking, strong, capable, focused and disciplined at this practice.

Then, later in the day, at 4 p.m. after Jill got called into work unexpectedly, I decided to hit a Bikram class at my usual studio - again with Saiko, so it was a sure thing in terms of quality. I did the yogic thing and had no expectations, just promised myself to take it one posture at a time. And guess what? I had a great practice, just nice, good flow and I even held Camel for a full minute in the second set (a little treat she pops in when the class is full of regulars who, as she says, "can handle it") - which I love! Again though, maybe 4 of us did it to the end, the other 20 or so coming out early. No dissing, no comparing really - it's just to say I am again capable, disciplined and seemingly strong and determined enough to get it done.

So let's look at the big picture of Jenn (no pun intended).

Size 8 or 10, certainly not fat in a way that stands out in a crowd any longer; yeah, still kinda a "big girl" but honestly, even in boutique fare I'm usually a Medium. So maybe I'm a "medium girl..."
I can exercise in 105 degrees for 3 hours in a day, and do it well with discipline and success (mostly :)
No health issues to speak of, knock on wood
Loads of energy, stamina and general happiness with myself and my life, and, in some moments, my body

Isn't this enough??

But here again is my glitch: The scale doesn't say I've arrived. And so I will carry on, but I'm working super hard to hold the above truths in the forefront of my thinking, rather than dismissing them with "yeah, but I still weigh...xxx."

So that the scale is one factor of many; rather than the only factor. Let's be yogic about it - Bikram yoga has 26 postures, if you can't do one well, does that mean your whole practice is shit? No way! It means you have one area to work on (er, or a few, in most of our cases). So I can't always kick out in Standing Head to Knee; but that has no impact on my ability to do say, Cobra. My notion, having come to me as I type this, is to consider the scale a posture, and keep it in perspective that there are 25 others that I ought to consider in the mix of my weight loss success. And rarely, RARELY, is anyone perfect at all 26. Again, Bikram says, "you get the full benefit of a posture by trying to do it 100% correctly" - so I'm going to keep trying to get my weight "100% correct" and know that many other things are already there!

We'll see where it goes! Overall, I don't want to give an impression that I'm miserable with myself; I think me and the shrink are just working hard on these last few things before I end seeing her, and with that, I'm thinking and focusing on our topics a lot so as to be as productive as possible.

On a totally separate note - Jill and I are going to Mexico on Sunday (next)! It was a semi-impromptu decision based on (a) her stress level lately and (b) her biz partner is about to have a baby, whereby she will be tethered to her coffee shop for a good few months.

Maybe you'll even be treated to a pic of me in a bathing suit! We'll see how brave I am. Hmmm...if I can post a pic of me in a 2-piece here, perhaps that will indicate I have arrived :)

2008-02-21T08:13:00.001-08:00

Still Fat...

Well, not fat, really, but still 'overweight' and still fighting my last little bit (8 pounds) of apparently tar-like fat that is affixed to my bones like thick paste. Really now, would'ja just let me have this, oh body of mine??

Apparently not. But I digress.

So, the "no weighing" has been a mix of terrifying, annoying, baffling and uncomfortable. Nothing good in it - yet. I've mostly stayed off the scale, and frankly do better when Jill hides it from me. Sometimes when it's there, I'm like an alcoholic - I can resist, resist, resist...and then in a weak moment, I can't stand it anymore and hop up on it and ... damn. Bad Jenn. Honestly, that first week, I didn't weigh at all; when I did, I was 164.2 (up .4) which is essentially inconsequential in my mind. No problem. The following week, I had access to the scale and thought I'd willpower myself NOT to weigh! Well, I failed, and weighed - complete with PMS bloat - and found my old habits dying hard: 165.2? WHAT?! I suck. I am a failure. I need to be punished. Don't eat. Extra exercise for you today. Shame on you.

This is how it is .... sometimes. Other times, like the day I weighed a whopping 166, I was able to say "um, hello, you've not 'eliminated' in a while, you drank a shitload of water after yoga tonight and just finished dinner....oh, and you're still bloated." So no big deal.

The goal here is to aim for Reaction #2, vs. Reaction #1 most (if not all) of the time. But it's like teaching a very old (re: almost 37) dog new tricks. How do I change this thought pattern? I guess I do get how, since sometimes I do so successfully. Sometimes I can weigh in and not have it ruin my whole day, or dictate it at a minimum, when the number isn't what I wanted to see. Other times, well, not so much.

So my current (semi-) final frontier on this particular topic is to get over this! To end the notion that my day/how I feel about myself is dictated by the number - but rather, I decide how my day is going to look, trust myself to do it right (most of the time), and know that in the end, I'm in good order even if I'm still technically "overweight." Eek. That is a HARD sentence to even write (my stomach just turned over), much less internalize. So I guess I'll get going on that now...

2008-02-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

Numbers Suck.

So, I'm breaking up with my therapist. Not that she did anything wrong, it's just time. I started with her just before I got my lapband about 2.5 years ago. She specializes in eating disorders and is a credit to her profession. But I'm doing well, I'm comfortable in my life (mostly) so I suggested we break up. She was good with it, but asked for a transition period of 3 months....I said, "How about one month?" We agreed on two. Yeah, seems long, but it's not like I went for 6 free insurance-covered sessions to tackle a little hiccup in my life - this has been long-term, deep work, and I'm good for transitioning carefully.

That said, since she is the eating disorder expert, I've been using these last sessions to talk about food issues and weight issues. Seems like a good spend of my therapy-dollar, no? This week we talked a lot about numbers.

Numbers suck. Let me show you some:

- When I was somewhere between 9-13, I remember counting up my calories for the day with my mom (1200, of course). I was at 1197...she said "Well, you can go try and inhale 3 calories if you like."
- Age of my first diet: 5
- Pounds lost on said first diet: 23 (I gave up Kool-Aid and desserts)
- Highest weight: 262 (a
- Lowest weight: In 5th grade, I remember I was already tipping the scales at 135. The next thing I remember is high school....at 180ish most of the time.
- Clothes size seems to speak to everyone...."what are you? at 2? 4?" In L.A., a 4 is seriously obese. That is insane.
- Last, the numbers place that sucks most: THE SCALE.

Why do we use this crude and brutal tool to evaluate our self-worth daily? Oh wait, that's just me that does that. And my therapist informed me, "That's sick. Let's just get that out on the table." Really? Honestly, I've used my weight as the day's gauge of my value for oh, looks like about 32 years...if the number is good (that is, lower than the day before), then I'm a good girl. If the number goes up - no matter if I'm bloated, having pooped or just happened to eat a big dinner - then I am the requisite piece-of-shit (POS) of the house. No, of society. Really, I do think like this. She said, "What would you feel if after a week you gained weight?" My response, "That I failed for an entire week, rather than just the usual one day." Oy vey, Jennifer.

Now, don't think me a giant headcase. I'm not...not so much anymore, anyhow. But it's still a daily struggle not to use these numbers as my own personal little report card on The State of Jenn. Good Jenn eats *perfectly*, exercises with vigor *every single day* and is energetic and motivated *at all times.* Bad Jenn skips a day of hot yoga. She eats a potato, even a small one is a sin, even if it fits in the day's calories. Bad Jenn is a lazy-sac-of-shit on a Sunday when it's rainy and cold.

Ok, not always. And that is the good news! Now I can do all the "Bad Jenn" things and balance them out with the Good Jenn achievements. That said, I am setting a goal to wake up and instead of my first thought being "How will I lose weight today?" it will be "How am I going to spend my day?"

Step 1: Get off the bloody scale. My therapist said to go a week without weighing myself. Somehow, this seemed equivalent of asking for me to give up my Mac for a week, or my iPhone. Or something of critical value. So I called on my way home and asked Jill to just hide it. Get it out of here for a week. What is the worst that could happen? I gain a few pounds (she suggests, cringing and having her stomach turn over)? See, that's my visceral response. And it blows. Because even if I did, would the world really end???

What she did remind me is this: I'm eating well and not struggling with it much at all. I'm going to hot yoga almost daily - and with a joy and excitement I've never been able to integrate with exercise before. I'm doing it all right! And what the scale says really doesn't change that fact. So here we go - a week without weighing. I wonder how I'll fill that time....

2008-01-31T13:32:00.000-08:00

I Think I Have a Tapeworm

Really. Look:

That's 164.4, folks!

2008-01-27T18:03:00.001-08:00

Pressure Me, Baby!

So we got this pressure cooker for Christmas which has proven to be a fabulous thing for the lap-bander. Tender meat, soupy/stewy foods. Tonight I adapted a recipe from a local foods class Jill and I took a few months ago. The original was watery, and too salty. Here's what I made - if you don't have a pressure cooker, you can just cook it for 3 hours. If you do, it's 15 minutes to cook.

Aromatic Braised Beef Stew

8 oz. grass-fed stew beef
1 tbsp. high heat canola oil
1/2 tsp. salt
---
1 cup red wine
1/4 cup tamari (or soy sauce)
3 cups chicken or beef stock/broth or water
----
1 star anise pod
1 cinnamon stick
1 tsp. fennel seeds
3 nickel-size rounds of fresh ginger
----
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 tbsp. shallots, minced
1 large carrot, sliced
1 half onion, sliced
3/4 c. long grain brown rice OR hulled barley (bulk at natural food stores)
----
2 cups mushrooms, sliced
2 cups chard, kale or greens of your choice
----

In a cast iron skillet (ideally), brown bite-sized pieces of beef in canola oil. When all sides are nicely browned and carmelized, set aside. Deglaze pan with a spash of red wine, add garlic and shallot and cook for a few minutes.

In a pressure cooker, put wine, water and stock. Add aromatics, rice, and vegetables (except mushrooms and chard). Stir in beef. Bring to a boil; place lid on cooker and bring up to pressure. Cook 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, about 5 minutes before cooker is complete, saute mushrooms and greens in the skillet used for beef until both are soft.

When pressure cooker is done, run under cold water and let pressure release. Remove aromatics (cinnamon, star anise and ginger rounds). Stir in mushrooms and greens. Eat!

Try it out if you one...I wanted to blog it so I could remember what I did! It was yummy!

2008-01-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

Lose Weight, Lose Points...

So, I entered my new weight into my Weight Watchers point tracker and it prompted me to re-evaluate my points. I was allowed 24 points (at 50 calories or so each, so 1200 calories) - well, since I've dropped down to 167.4 - and this isn't a complaint - I'm now allowed 22 points (1100 calories). There's always the 35 extra points/week, and all the exercise extra points I get, but I try to never use those. I think I can keep to it - but man, 24 seems hard some days - 22?? Oy. But, look at that ticker - it's worth it! So close!

2008-01-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

Survived the East Coast!

We just got back from 10 days back east, and somehow, I managed to lose weight. Could've had something to do with the intestinal flu I got in Pittsburgh; or maybe my body just getting a break from it's usual routine made it let go of some stuff. Who knows, but I'm glad for it.

Food whilst traveling is hard. It's tough to eat out all the time, or visit people who very graciously make sure there is a ton of stuff to eat - and often it's not the usual things you would have at home. Lots of chips and dips and stuff like that...and hours of visiting where you just keep picking at it all. That said, I did pay attention and other than a couple desserts, really didn't overeat at all (though I did eat some things I normally wouldn't, because they were there). I only had one PB the whole time, which is great with climate change and flying and all that!

We hit NYC, Pittsburgh and then my hometown in PA for my dad's retirement. All three of my sisters came too, along with two husbands and Jill. My dad had a great time, as did all of us - but from a weight loss perspective, it is so nice to be home! Jill and I have been basking in simple fish/veggie dinners, snacks of nuts, cheese, crackers...I missed my smoothie shop, coffee, etc. Oh, and how we both missed our yoga practices! We went to Power Vinyasa Tuesday, and Bikram last night (yes, I've converted Jill and she is now doing Bikram too!! We went in NYC and it was brutal, but we loved it). It just feels good to be back to exercising and eating healthy. Who'd a thought I'd say that a couple years back??

Here's a little shot of the sisters with my dad, bidding farewell to his funeral home!

2008-01-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

200th Post!

Wow, it's been a long 2 1/2 years since started blogging my lap-band adventure - and like all WLS folks, I've had my ups and downs...but overall, boy, am I happy! Today a girl at the coffeeshop was like "Jenn, wow, you keep getting smaller and smaller - I didn't even realize that was you in line!" While really it was just the outfit, I think, I can think back to those 260+ days, when I was in a sense, double size. I sure did look like a different girl standing in line (about to order a double tall soy mocha and a biscotti...every day) vs. today's girl, who gets a double tall latte and nothing to eat. Back then, lunch was a carb-festival of some nature - pile of Thai noodles, a big fat 1000-calorie "healthy" burrito...today I sit and munch on my 1/4 cup of tuna salad with 5 water crackers, and I'm good to go. Dinner was half a large Pagliacci pizza (oh, how I do miss thee!), or a mountain of white rice 'garnished' with tofu and veggies, or two big enchiladas stuffed full of beans and cheese...with rice on the side. The other night, I had 2.5 oz. of chicken and 3/4 c. of green beans with a few sips of red wine.

Now then, I don't claim to eat perfectly every day, but it is true that since I now exercise nearly daily, I find it hard to "blow it" by eating crappy when I've worked my bootie off in a brutally hot yoga class, or running, or at the gym. And while sugar was a daily mainstay, it's now an occasional treat! When I think back, it is pretty amazing where I've come from...sadly, I'm still technically overweight (BMI must be 25.0 or less to be "normal"), and still not quite to my 155 goal. So, we'll carry on! :)

Before I go, a little picture view of the situation: Now and then... it sure could be worse! But I'm driving it home - hoping for 155 by my birthday in June. Based on my typical weight loss of about 3/4/pound per week, I should make it!

Oh, and why yes, that is a Size 8 dress! Thanks for asking :)

2007-12-31T14:36:00.000-08:00

Too Tight!

Don't we all want to keep ourselves filled to the max? Somehow, it gives an illusion of easier, faster weight loss...and while it helps to have good restriction, I found my 2.0 fill to be excessive. I was PB'ing a bit...but then after my period, couldn't drink liquid without having a little something solid to - I'm guessing - "break the seal" - then I could drink, albeit slowly and carefully. So, on the night of the 30th I woke at 3 a.m. choking on my own spit.

Good times for Jenn. Fortunately, Jill had Ambien'd that night and barely remembered my hacking, choking, etc. I got up, and it took a while to calm down and settle. After, my throat was sore and my lungs hurt.

This is where all the lap-band haters say, "Yeah, see - that's why I don't want a foreign object in my body." But, it's where I say, "I'm too tight. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit."

So, I was a good, responsible bandster and went in on the afternoon of the 31st and got a slight unfill, back to 1.8 where I was in early December. According to the doc, I went from 178.6 on Dec. 5 to 171.4 on Dec. 31st. Man, giving up that progress felt crappy - but then I thought - I'm not giving up anything! I lost that weight by counting my points (WW), doing yoga, bootcamp, and being careful through the holidays. I also noted that when I was at 1.8, I had gone from 183.8 down to 178.6 - that's 5 pounds, and at 2.0, it was 7 - still - this is all good weight loss, all in line with my goals, all good. I was tempted to go to 1.9, but honestly, I felt that feeling of water swishing about in my esophagus rather than going through my pouch, and just didn't want to risk it. I've felt dehydrated and crappy since I got too tight. In the end, the 1.8 won out and seems to be my ideal fill, even if sometimes it doesn't feel as aggressive as I would like.

Still hanging out at 171.4 officially, but I'm back to WW to weigh in on Thursday this week at my regular time - morning weights have shown me in the 169's now, and that is exciting! I was trying for 165 before heading back east on January 12th, but I doubt I can kick 4 pounds in 10 days, unless I ask to be put into a medically-induced coma with a feeding tube. And no, I don't plan on that! :)

On a separate note, I had told my fill nurse about my Bikram Yoga practice, and to my delight, she tried it out and LOVES it - she's an RNY'er a couple years out. It was fun to know I'd introduced someone to it who is sticking with it. Yay Bikram!

2007-12-15T12:44:00.000-08:00

1-Year Plastics Anniversary!

So, this past week was 1-year since my plastic surgery. I kinda forgot about it on the exact day, and then had my 1-year appointment with my surgeon on Thursday. It went well - and basically, here was the gist:

- There are two small bits of skin on the inside of each breast he would like to "fix" - so, February 29th I'm going to have that done. It's going to be two small incisions, in the office, one hour. I kinda didn't care, but he said he'd like to make it right. So, I said, ok.

- My scars are still raised in some areas and redder than he'd like. He said, "Well, unfortunately, for some people it takes more like 2 years to fade and smooth out...and you are one of those people." Honestly though, I've never cared much about my scars - they are much preferred to rolls of extra skin and fat :) Plus, they are symmetrical which makes me happy.

He said, "You look like you've lost more weight!" and after we took photos, I compared now to a year ago (well, 1 month post-op) and I look fairly similar except for clearly being stronger and more toned! Yay Yoga!

My thoughts on the whole thing I'd sum up like this:

- I have no regrets at all!
- It took my backside almost 8 months to be "right" so that I could run or do any high-impact exercise with out a big "ca-chunk" feeling with every impactful step.
- My boobs are great, but still feel a little small to me; that said, most who've offered an opinion have said "they fit your body" which is good...I guess :) Still, glad I didn't get implants.
- I love my flat stomach and my curvy shape!
- My left side hip area and right side are not exactly symmetrical; though, who is? The left side is fuller, and it's kinda weird - both sides are nice shapes, but just not, uh, the same shape :)
- I hardly recall the pain or ordeal of surgery at this point...it was a short time of discomfort for a huge payoff.

I'll have Jill snap some photos soon and post them!

2007-12-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

Big Week!

Big, in a good way. Seems the fill and bootcamp had a good impact - I lost 2.4 pounds at WW this week. That's the most ever! So, in 12 weeks, I've now lost 9 pounds. So I guess I should quit my complaining.

2007-12-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

Fill Seems Good!

Tonight I ate for dinner:

2-3 oz. fish
1/2 c. veggies

And I was full! Yay! Seems the fill was a good idea. No PB, no stuckages, and overall it seems good. We'll see!

2007-12-08T18:11:00.000-08:00

60 Days! And....scene.

Ok! So, I did it! I finished my 60 yoga practices in 60 days! And, we're done. With that, anyhow...it was a very cool challenge and gave me a lot of good things:

- Structure! Without a formal job, I was definitely seeking some boundaries and structure.
- Strength, Firmness and Tone - Whoa, is my body looking and feeling different. It's amazing to me!
- Mental Focus, Emotional Awareness - It's a lot to be in 90 minutes of wicked heat, doing thoughtful, focused, physical work. Every day.

So that's 5,400 minutes of yoga over the past two months. I'd say 50 or so were Bikram, and the rest Power Vinyasa.

What now? Well, I'm taking tomorrow off! Then...

Boot Camp - M - Th
Power Vinyasa - 1 - 2x/week
Bikram Yoga - Friday, Sat, Sun + others as I feel like it :)
Walking the Lake - Here and there :)

After Boot Camp, I'll need to figure out a new cardio gig. More on that later.

For now, I'm just basking in my happiness that I actually set a hardcore goal and finished it! I had to do 2 classes today to make it - so I did 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. Saiko, the yoga instructor I tend to have the most, was super sweet in my 4 p.m. practice and before the final breathing, told the class that I had accomplished a big thing in doing 60 in 60, and people clapped for me :) it was so nice of her, and though I felt kind of silly and embarrassed, I also thought "man, all these people know what that means - they are sitting here doing Bikram, they know how hard it is and they are really happy for me and they really get what a big deal this has been...the time alone is huge...2 hours everytime, the heat is sometimes brutal, and focus and improvement is just hard..." so, I graciously took in all of the positive energy from the group and was glad/grateful for the recognition. Yay me! :)

2007-12-06T06:46:00.000-08:00

Fill Me Up

Spose' I'm feeling desperate? Maybe. But it occurred to me as I ate dinner on Monday night...

2 Veggie Spring Rolls
Countless Edamame
4 oz. of Sea Bass
1/3 c. brown rice
1/2 c. veggies

...that I was able to eat way too much. When my lapband is in grand form, I'd say the above meal would reduce to:

1 Veggie Spring Roll
A couple Edamame
3 oz of Sea Bass
No rice
1/4 c. veggies...if I was lucky

So, I went in and got a small fill. I am now at 2.0cc's in my band, up from 1.8 - so really it was tiny. Hopefully it'll help me not be so hungry, and weight will start leaving.

Bootcamp is fun and going well - I'm kinda shocked how much I'm diggin' it...who would have thought?? It's more or less outdoor circuit training - run a little loop, do push-ups, do jumping jacks with hand weights, run again, and do that 3x through. There are about 6-8 groupings of circuits. It's been fun, but a lot with yoga on top of it. Next week, I'll have finished my 60-day challenge with the yoga, so I'll be 'allowed' to miss. Thank gawd too, as 2.5 hours of exercise a day is enough. Well, truthfully, if I do bootcamp in the morning, and yoga in the afternoon, I'm pretty happy doing both! Let's just say Jenn is sleeping quite well these days...

I weighed in today at WW, btw:

Enjoy my new seasonal ticker :)

2007-12-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

Here we Are

Not too much to report that is well, good. I got a lil' UTI for which they gave me one antibiotic, which failed, and then a second one, Cipro, which also didn't work. BUT, did you know, Cipro is the antibiotic scattered into feed lots for cattle because it causes "rapid, unexplained, significant weight gain". Apparently, I'm not so far off from a cow. I took it for 3 days, and gained 4 - count'em - 4 pounds...which did not just 'disappear' once the medicine ended. And believe me, I'm so tied in right now to my eating and exercise, nothing I could have done could've had that kind of impact. I'll admit to a bite of this and that, but nothing egregious!

On the upside, today counted as Day 55 of Yoga - a handful have been Power Vinyasa, but the rest have been Bikram. Saturday marks the end of my own little 60-day challenge - and Sunday, I am not exercising one bit!

In other exercise news, I started the Seattle Weight Loss Bootcamp this morning (yes, in addition to 90-minutes of hard, hot yoga). It's 1-hour a day at Greenlake in the great outdoors. Let me take this opportunity to also mention that here in Seattle, today, we are on track for an all-time record rainfall in a 24-hour period! Doing push-ups, sit-ups, running and overall exercise in the morning darkness whilst in a downpour was...well, very bootcamp-like. The other women were very nice, and half had done it before and seemed quite capable and in good shape (giving a soaking wet Jenn hope!).

So, despite exercising like crazy, counting my WW points and staying *well within* my calorie range which should produce weight loss - it seems I've lost about 6 weeks of slow, arduous progress. I will end my pity party here. ;)

2007-11-25T17:56:00.000-08:00

When Jenn Goes Away.....

You can generally assume I'm either (a) gaining weight or (b) feeling fat or (c) over-reacting. Or, all of the above! Seriously, I'm fine - but decided to just take a breather from being so strict and stopped counting points. And you know what happened? Well - I know this will come as a complete unexpected shock - but I started eating more! My weight has been about the same, but I've been WW avoidant. So, I'm going tomorrow for a glorious post-Thanksgiving-I-just-got-my-period Weigh-in! Won't that be fun?

But here's the good news:

- I'm on Day 47 of Bikram! I decided to go for the full 60, which is the recommended starting point for a lifelong practice. I have one to make up, so I will do a double one day here when I'm just feeling like it.

- The scale actually has been oh-so-slowly creeping down.

- I went to my pre-lap-band nutritionist to get some advice that wasn't necessarily mapping to surgeon success rates :) She gave me a slew of tasks, things to do/change/adjust, along with a pep/accountability talk.

- I'm off to WW tomorrow for a weigh-in; I see the nutritionist again in 3 weeks.

What did the nutritionist say? Well, nothing new per se...

- No, I can't stop. I have to get under 155 or I am still overweight, which leads to serious health conditions sooner as I age. No getting off the hook on this one, she was clear as a bell. (Nice try, Jenn :)
- I need to eat 1200ish calories a day, or less, but around that ideally - aiming for 60 grams of protein. She said continuing with the WW point system is perfect.
- I got the 'what'for' because I was not taking a multi-vitamin, only Vitamin D; so I was off to Seattle Super Supplements for a specific Multi, along with Calcium Citrate because I don't eat enough calories to get enough calcium.
- She encouraged 2 vegetarian dinners/main meals per week. I sort of abandoned most veggie cooking when I got my band, figuring protein was too hard to get in. However, she gave me some ideas and options - and reminded me that, simply put, most veggie protein has fewer calories than meat, allowing me to get full faster on fewer calories OR eat more volume when I am feeling more hungry than usual.
- Exercise. Good gawd, my work here is never done. No, 90 minutes of wicked hard yoga in 105 degree room isn't actually enough. She also talked about how your body will acclimate and stop having to work as hard (i.e., burning as many calories) if you keep doing the same thing over and over. And though Bikram is a lifelong process, it's not like a treadmill where you can jack it up from a 12-minute mile to a 10-minute mile. So, once I complete my 60 days (Dec. 8), I am going to look at integrating other aerobic, calorie-burning activities at least a few days a week. "Keep your body guessing a little," she said. Anyone (it's for women) in Seattle interested in checking this out for 3 weeks, beginning Dec. 3rd?... --->

http://SeattleWeightLossBootcamp.com/

Does this whole thing of mine feel never-ending to you? Yeah, me too. But you know, it is what it is - a lifelong struggle, and this is where those who say "oh, you copped out and got surgery" are full'o'crap, because it's still a load of work. I'll say it over and over though - the difference is that when I do the work, it actually works! So, watch for more updates as I am re-focused.

Special to Ethel: I didn't have a way to write you back on your comment, but I hope your banding went well! One thought - when you do go back to Bikram, I'd recommend talking to your instructor about perhaps doing the pregnancy adapations during the spine-strenghtening series (on your belly) - port pain is no picnic, and happens. This way you could keep going!!

2007-11-13T08:19:00.000-08:00

Checkin' In

Well, I'm weighing in every 2 weeks right now - it's just moving so slow, and if I so much as drink a glass of water I gain 1/2 pound. My at-home morning weights are in the very low 173's - no complaints, other than "hurry up!"...I remember when I was losing 2-3 pounds a week! My body is just slow and stubborn, always has been, and that's ok. I guess ultimately I'll get it done, even if it takes 6 months.

I haven't taken a day off from yoga yet! I just like it now and it seems to be doing good things for me. Last night, I tried a Power Vinyasa Yoga class - it's done in a warm environment (85-90 degrees, vs. Bikram at 105 or 110) and is a constant flow. It was so fun! Jill went with me and we really liked it - it was taught by one of my favorite Bikram instructors, Saiko. Anyhow, it was clear to me the places Bikram "misses" - hip openings, core strength work (it does some, but this was way more), and shoulders. It's a great compliment and the place where I tried it has a killer new student deal of $35 for one month unlimited! They teach Bikram there too, so I may just shake it up a little. Later!

2007-11-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

Day 30: Mission Accomplished!

I know, I know "bikram bikram bikram..." ... "I thought this was a WLS blog, Jenn...geez." Ok, maybe I'll shut up about it now, but it's unlikely. Because here's the thing - I'm stunned, shocked and amazed at the impact doing Bikram/Hot Yoga for the past 30 days. Yes, indeed, today was Day 30 - I didn't miss a single day - not even a single posture even! This morning when I went, instructor was new (to me) and I was a little sad, actually, that she wouldn't know what I'd done. But after the last of the 26 postures, she turned to me and said, "Jenn, today was your last day, right? Congratulations!" (Another teacher in the class told her I think). Anyhow, I was doing my final shavasana (rest) at the end and actually teared up a little. It felt a little like running a marathon might, this huge, intense hard goal that somehow you accomplish and are better for it! And, you're super proud of yourself to boot!

In the past, I've *easily* done 30 days of exercise, cardio/weights, and never, ever seen my body respond or change so fast and favorably! And, bigger than that, those stints were miserable, I hated every second and was angry/pissed/self-pitying - you name it - which made it even harder both emotionally and physically to stay with it, ultimately causing me to give up/quit. With Bikram, once I got past that first week or so, I truly rounded the corner so many people have rattled on to me about and I would discount them in disbelief: The heat becomes secondary to the yoga experience. But it was true, and suddenly I found I was excited to go! I'd look forward to it in my day as a little oasis from everything else. And, no matter how crappy a day may be, I'd always know I did something productive and good for me.

The biggest changes are in my focus, stamina, strength and attitude. You know, just those lil' things. And more specifically, today as I went through each posture, I thought for a moment back to a month ago and how I felt in each one, my ability, my attitude. It was an awesome way for me to track my own progress. I can kick out on 2nd set of 'standing head to knee' - I don't dread 'triangle' and actually was complimented on it yesterday in class - 'camel' doesn't scare me and I actually look forward to it; and 'awkward pose' actually is beginning to look like it ought to (i.e., me not shaking and tumbling over...at least not every time). Huh!

I'm grateful to my yoga pals (er, ck in particular), Jill (for putting up with my excitement, i.e., external processing), and my teachers (I miss Nina!) who all encouraged me and kept me motivated and going everyday. I don't plan to stop or anything, but I do figure on missing a class now and then without the pressure of the "30-day-challenge" goal. Thanks for reading! Now, back to our regularly scheduled weight loss blather.

2007-11-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

Good News

I weighed in today at 174.2 - this is good news! That's a total of 6.2 pounds in 8 weeks. I know, it seems slow to me too sometimes...but overall, that's about .5 - .75 pounds/week, which, this close to goal, is really quite good.

Here's the better news though... My body is SO different since committing to Bikram Yoga for 30 days (today, btw, is DAY 26!!!) - my body is stronger, tighter and more defined. I'm not claiming to be a fashion model Size 00 or anything - but here's the proof: Early this year, I was hanging out around 165. During this time, I bought a pair of Lucky Brand jeans, size 12. They were tight on my hips, but fit well overall. This past week or two, they were feeling BIG, so I had a gift certificate and thought "I'll go see if a 10 will fit and get them for motivation and as a reward for the yoga..." Well, I put on the Size 10 and Jill said, "Honey, those still look big to me." Really!?!?! So I tried an 8. SIZE 8. And they fit! Now, they are 'relaxed fit' and fairly generous (like, not a Boutique Size 8, but a Mall Size 8) - but still: I am wearing 2 sizes SMALLER and weighing in 8 POUNDS MORE. This is the yoga, folks - and it's making me love it even more.
For the first time, I may be buying into "muscle weighs more than fat" which in the past, I used as an excuse for not losing weight - when I doubted it to be true. Now, I can see that is the case, and feel it too in how strong I feel, how easy it is to walk up a hill, squat down and pick stuff up, lift heavy things, etc.

Still plugging on. My sister Kate is going to join WW this week, so we're going to go together on Sunday's, it's always good to have a pal! Hope all is well for everyone!

2007-11-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

Little Update

Well, I didn't weigh in this week. I got my period and did my insta-2-pounds-for-5-day gain...and I didn't want that mean lady to give me the stink eye. I'm going to switch to a weekend weigh in anyhow, starting Sunday.

On a happy note, I completed my 23rd day-in-a-row of Bikram Yoga! Only a week to go and I'm at my 30-day goal. Yee-ha! Tonight I went to 8 p.m. because traffic precluded me getting to 6 p.m. on time - but I still went! More soon, but I'm still plugging away!

2007-10-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

Molasses

Slow as. Molasses. Oy. So, this week I barely lost 1/2 pound. Seems my body is fighting every ounce, which is super frustrating! That said, the yoga is building muscle without a doubt - and I look different and my clothes fit differently...so really, I ought not to complain. Jill says, "Do you want to have a strong, healthy body or be skinny like a waif with no strength?" Uh, honestly: Both. I would like both...to be skinny and strong! However, it seems to be going slowly - and if you have a lap-band and this scares you, well, I won't say, "It should" but I will say this is proof positive that you do not get it for free. It's still work, and if your body is like mine, it can go pretty slowly when you get down to that last 10-20 pounds. I'm staying with it, and this week, aiming to actually eat a little more. Though it's always felt like a bit of an oxymoron, I wonder if all the exercise and very few calories is causing a "famine" response in my body (as they say) where by it's holding onto every last fat cell. So, I figure what's the worst that will happen if I eat just a bit more?? I'm thinking of scheduling an appointment with my nutritionist too, just to get some advice.

Here's the ticker - not impressive, but, the one good thing is that it continues to go down, ever so slowly, but has yet to go up! That, I will take :) And, my naked-in-the-morning weights are more around 174.? and continue to creep down. Perhaps it will take a long time to get to 155...but hey, I've got time.

2007-10-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

You Will Be Able To Eat Good Stuff With Your Lap-Band

So, I've been on a kick of trying to eat closer to home, and more traditional foods. This tends to spit in the face of a lot of modern nutritional advice, as well as (or, in particular) diet advice. Whole natural foods (not genetically engineered...), no chemicals (nutrasweet, splenda...) and full-fat (raw, whole milk).... Every Sunday I've been heading to the Ballard Sunday Market - our year-round farmer's market. Jill is off this week so she was able to come along! We got:

- A 2.2 pound, grass-fed boneless organic chuck roast
- 1 pound of mixed organic potatoes
- A bunch of organic carrots
- 5 pounds King Apples (an old, heirloom apple that winters well; great cooked - it was my first time hearing of them, but my 90-year-old neighbor's grandparents had them)
- Raw milk
- A Kombucha squash
- Some ornamental gourds
- Tall Grass Bakery Coconut and Almond Granola

For dinner tonight, I made a roast. It's a rainy Sunday and somehow, a roast sounded perfect! Our friend Steve was over for dinner, so before yoga, I prepped the roast so it could cook the 2 hours +; beforehand though, I made the squash into puree (it was so dry! I had no idea, but added enough water to make it into peanut butter consistency - I made Squash/Apple soup for tomorrow, and have puree for two pies for later in the season), and 1/2 the apples into applesauce (pure - just apples and a little water). So, what I ate was...

- 4 oz roast
- 1/2 cup potatoes/carrots
- 1/3 cup applesauce (soft food...)
- 1/4 cup leftover potato puree from last week (sinful soft food!)
- A little pan gravy that I made from the stock and a little flour

It was totally kickass...and I did not feel the least bit deprived, and had about 1 cup of solid food, and about a cup of soft food...a little bit of an egregious meal, but I only had breakfast today with a snack for lunch prior to yoga - so the numbers are likely good.

Today was Day 12 of yoga - I've decided now that I am gunning for the 30-day challenge - I'm almost 1/2 way! I also am reading Bikram's book, and he says basically to do 60 days straight and then you can go to 2-3 times/week and get all the health benefits forever more... We'll see. Still for now, I'm losing weight (albeit slowly - about 1 pound/week) but holy shape batman! My body is looking soooo different. Yay! And I feel like a tough girl to boot.

Weigh in tomorrow; I'm not expected anything too drastic since I weigh daily, it seems 1/2 to 1 pound/week is all I'm gonna get...but I'll take it. Eventually, I'll get there!

2007-10-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

7 Days In-a-Row!

Today marked 7 days straight of Bikram Yoga - Jill said, "huh, maybe you will be able to do 30! You're 1/4th of the way there!" - let's not get too excited. Still, I can't believe how much easier it's gotten already. I honestly hardly notice the heat, whereas before it was debilitating. I don't feel like my heart is going to fly out of my chest constantly (with a few exceptions). My postures are getting better, but that's not really my objective - my objective is to show up, work hard (i.e., burn calories) and ideally, not lay down (which, I haven't yet!).

Foodwise, I'm still aiming for my 24 WW points (1200 calories) despite being "allowed" to have more - I may have a few days of more just so my body doesn't get too used to a routine and settle in here.

Though unofficial, my naked-in-the-morning weight is more around 174.4 - and before I started WW my worst was 183.4 - so though the WW is only showing a 5-ish pound loss, it's really coming up on 10 pounds and it's showing. I feel sooooo much skinnier, which lends to feeling much happier and better in my skin. My massage therapist told me today - after about a 6 weeks since she last saw me - that "it's like you have a totally different body." Between the yoga and weight loss, she said 'everything feels much better'. Also, she said it seems like my body continues its healing from the plastics - that my skin seems more healthy, and my scars less lumpy. Always good to be less lumpy. :)

Anyhow, I'm plugging away and trying not to obsess. Jill has gotten off sugar too now - which is a big help! We eat a little dark chocolate at night, but have cut way back on alcohol, nixed anything sugary in the house and overall have been eating out less/at home more. I've been cooking a lot too which has been fun! Even when I can only eat a small amount, I still have so much fun creating and crafting dinners.

That's it for the moment. Hope all is well!

2007-10-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

Disappointing Results

So for a week, I eat less than my 24 points a day (1200 calories), do Bikram Yoga 5 times, plus a couple lake walks and for what? One stinkin' pound. Now then, I know, one pound is good. It's a healthy rate of weight loss, blah blah...but, in the moment I wanted to cry. Seems when you work this hard, you should get a bigger payoff. But, it will come. Sometimes your body just has to move at its own pace.

Either way, I'm happy with my exercise and my eating...and, with my body. So there's the upside!

2007-10-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Camel

Ok, I'm trying not to obsess or become cult-like in my practice of Bikram Yoga, but oddly, it's kind of, well, addictive. Anyhow, the deal is you do 26 poses, twice each, in a 105 degree room. It takes 90 minutes and is said to cure all ills, basically. For me, as you all know, I'm chugging away at it in my weight loss efforts (hence my blathering on about it here).

Today, during the pose Camel - (you're up on your knees, put your hands on your back as if you were going to put your hands in your back pocket. Then, you lean back, ultimately placing your hands on your heels and doing a pretty deep back bend. Push your hips forward, pull your chest up to the ceiling. Oy, it's one of the two "crowning" poses of the series....see photo) Robert, the instructor, said, "If you're an introvert, this pose is...um, good for you." Not being an introvert, I still perked up to hear why as I'm semi-obsessed with introvert/extrovert dynamics, mainly because I'm a banner extrovert (I know, shocking!). He went on, "This pose forces you to extrovert - it makes you lean back into an unknown you can't see and put yourself out there...and that requires a lot of trust." Huh.

Well, this extrovert is here to say at that moment, the whole posture made more sense to me too! What's funny is I LOVED Camel before my plastic surgery; since, I've hardly been able to let myself do it. Fear. Afraid I can't, or that I will crack in half, or some other excuse... On the second set (he made this comment after the first), I just let myself trust it.

My stomach will not tear in half.
I will not fall backwards.
I will not blackout (completely, anyhow)
I am super flexible.
I used to be able to do this really well.
I can hold it.
I can get back up.

And you know what, I did.

I think my point is that being in touch with your body, and connecting it to what is going on for you emotionally, is a challenge whether introvert or extrovert I think - the difference is where that processing occurs. Yoga - and Bikram in particular - is proving to become serious practice for me working out so much shit in my life, because somehow it makes you think about the bigger picture, even though all you really have to do is lean back and grab your heels; it really is a much bigger thing than that - if you're not afraid of it and let it happen. How much in your life does that apply to? I can list about 20 right here, right now...

That's what I'll be working on for the next bit. Eventually, I want weight loss/maintenance to be the by-product of doing Bikram, not my driving force getting me there. It'll be interesting to see where it takes me once I get to that point. Meanwhile, the weight loss drive is getting me there - and whatever works, I'm going with it!

p.s. No, that is not me in the photo. Good Lord, my thighs will never be that skinny. And I'm not a blonde :)

2007-10-12T22:08:00.000-07:00

Plugging Along

Things are going well - I'm trying to really focus on losing weight without losing my mind. So far, so good for the most part. The big things I'm aiming for are to stick on the low end of my WW points and not eat the weekly freebies (an extra 250 calories or so per day) and I'm back onto Bikram Yoga. In fact, ck kept bugging me to go as many days as I could in a row, so I finally spent the dough and signed up for the 30-day unlimited. Well, tomorrow is day 4 in a row...while that may not sound impressive to you, if you'd done Bikram, you know it is.

The best thing to report is that it's working. Bikram burns about 1200 calories in 90 minutes, something I could never do any other way - unless I spent 4 hours at the gym, or run full speed for about 90 minutes, I'd never get that kind of burn. Since I'm only eating 1200 calories or so per day, the rest of the day is my body feeding off the fat on my hips. I hope. Either way, I'm only tracking my official weigh-ins here, but I do weigh every day in the morning, and things are moving in the right direction. Hopefully I'll have good news to report on Monday!

It's nice to see that hard work will pay off, thank goodness for my band - even though I will admit to being hungry a bit now and then, when I do want to eat a bunch, it slows me down and limits me. And that is good. All hail the lapband! :)

2007-10-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

Weekly Report, a Little Late...

Well, last week wasn't exactly a banner week...it just seemed everything got ahead of me...that said, I still managed to drop a little and weighed in at 177.2. I know, slow, slow, slow...but still going in the right direction!

I ate ok, didn't exercise as well as I'd like (i.e., some lazier workouts, not enough Bikram...) and I did eat a little off-plan (we went to Portland for a couple days over the weekend). Ok, enough of the excuses! This week has been good so far! Gym, lake walk, Bikram. And staying in the points...Anyhow, charging ahead!

2007-10-01T22:35:00.001-07:00

2.2.

All that work last week lost me 2.2 pounds. That's 10 sticks of butter. I'll take it!

2007-09-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

Weekly Report

So I'm reporting in. My WW Points allowed are 24/day with 35 additional/week to spread around as I like - so 24-29/day + exercise points. Plus points I get for exercising. Oh, did I mention what a rock star I was this week in terms of exercise? Well, lemme tell ya...

Monday: 24.5 Points/60 minute walk (3 points toward 'activity')
Tuesday: 31.5 Points/90 minute Bikram Yoga (10 points)
Wednesday: 30 Points/45 Elliptical (3 points)
Thursday: 22.5 Points/60 minute walk + 45 minute elliptical (6 points)
Friday: 38.5 Points (oy!)/90 minute Bikram Yoga (10 points)
Saturday: 30.5 Points/90 minute Bikram Yoga (10 points)
Sunday: TBD Points/45 Elliptical (3 points)

Yes, that's right, it appears I exercised every day and ate well within the WW Plan. What have I learned?

Well, to be honest, there is some challenge for me in eating how I want to from a philosophical perspective...that is, I aim for whole foods - eating food the way nature made it; not the way we've industrialized food with additives, chemicals, and fat-replacing corn-products. I'd rather have 1/2 cup of whole milk (I even drink raw milk! Please, don't go off on me... :) than 1 cup of fat free milk. Other than 1 splenda in my latte (which successfully got me off of having a mocha every day), I work pretty hard to avoid altered food. And this is where we make a collective bow to my band...because without it, I think it would be hard to do WW and eat whole foods (they are more calories dense, thus smaller portions), and lose weight...without being hungry, a lot.

In all honestly, this is doable. What's hard is the usual stuff - general boredom making me think "wow, a handful of almonds will cure it!" or, "a few more bites of cheese isn't a big deal..." and of course, the liquid calorie impact of coffees, alcohol and whatnot. But I made some good food this week! Sesame crusted tuna with a spring roll and stir-fried veggies; chicken tenders with homemade tzatziki sauce, a couple olives and broccoli...this is not torture.

I'm restarting my ticker, btw, with my starting WW weight. Not that I want accountability to all'y'all in cyberspace, but rather, I need it.

2007-09-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

Moving Along

Things are moving along...weight watchers is actually pretty easy in a lot of ways, the struggle is the usual struggle-stuff. Like, not eating too much (duh) and not eating the "wrong" things (duh again). So there are two plans: The Core Plan and The Flex Plan. Briefly, the Core plan is fairly low-carbish and lets you eat "until you're satisfied" without counting anything - mostly from a list of meat and veggies, with a serving of brown rice or potato granted daily. The upside is "free" avocado, melon, polenta, eggs, Canadian bacon, fish, and veggies. Well, I thought this was the plan for me! It seemed so lapbandy!

Alas. It was not. I hardly lost any weight (though, I must excuse myself as an old pal came to town who used to live in Seattle and basically wanted to eat/drink his way through the weekend, and well, I'm a good host...so I had to oblige!). Still, though the core plan sounds great, you can't eat cheese, nuts, crackers, mayo, sauces, wine, etc. and even though you get 35 "points" per week in addition, I just kept blowing it but condimizing my food, or drinking wine, or both.

The Flex Plan is the well-known point-counting deal where all foods having points, and you get in my case 24/day, along with 35/week that you can distribute if you want them. And you get extras for exercising. Basically, it works out to be about 50 calories/point (1100/day for me), and the more fiber, and less fat, the larger the volume of food. And the more you exercise, the more food. So, it's a bit of a carrot to do good things like high fiber, reasonable fat intake, and of course, working out. This one seems to be more realistic and is more achievable for me. A lot of people hoard points all day so they can have ice cream every night - whatever works - but I'm aiming to eat consistent meals most of the time and not save up for night time (fat-making) binges.

I gotta say, how one could do this without a lapband is beyond me. It's enough food for me, and I realize a lot of when I want to eat when I'm not really hungry is out of boredom, antsy-ness or just cravings. Or stress of course :) So, for now, I'm into it and liking it. Yesterday's dinner was a good one:

4 oz. raw chicken (3 oz. cooked) with a light panko/parmesan coating (2.5 points + 1.5 for coating= 4 points)
1 Tbsp. Olive Oil (3.5 points)
1/2 c. polenta (2 points)
1/2 c. marinara (1 point)
Couple tablespoons parmesan cheese (1 point)
1/3 c. Cauliflower steamed, then tossed with a little butter and parm. cheese, salt and pepper (1 point (butter))

So, think about this meal...not bad, but 12.5 points! That's about 1/2 my day, fortunately I had a doctor appt. and didn't eat much for breakfast; but really, it could easily be lightened up by not coating the chicken or using olive oil to pan fry it; ditch the butter from the cauliflower and we're down 6 points to a 6.5 point meal. Think about that - 1 tbsp. oil, 1 tsp. butter and tablespoon each of panko and parm are the same as the whole rest of the meal, calorie-wise. But all that stuff...it's so good!

And so small. I think this is definitely where I get tripped up: A dab of butter here, a glug of olive oil there - that's 200 more calories folks...So, I'm working on just dialing back on those kinda condiments. With the band though, simply broiling chicken is just too dry and I'd never get it down; though, marinara is a saucy way to deal with that. I guess there is always a better way. Just gets tiring thinking about constantly manipulating everything that goes into my mouth either to make my band happy or the scale happy. That said, it's life - because keeping my band happy, and the scale happy, make Jenn happy! And, I'm glad to see the scale creeping down, even if it does feel kinda hard.

I'm also happy to report I've been working out again consistently. Easy days are a walk around Greenlake (about 55 minutes to walk it) or 30ish minutes on the elliptical (350 calories burned); average days are 45 minutes on the elliptical (~500 calories burned); and banner days are two of the above or else Bikram yoga (burns 12oo calories!), or an hour at the gym (650 calories). I haven't missed a day in a while now! Mixing up the activity and duration are helping fo'sho.

Anyhow, sorry for the rabid details...just trying to get back into the weight-loss head space.

2007-09-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

Well Hello There!

My, I didn't realize it's been 2 months since I posted. Summer flies by here in the northwest, particularly August/September, as they are by far our nicest months. Though, since we had an incredible summer overall, it seems I've been busy for eons!

Anyhow, let me update y'all. I had an additional fill after that last one back up to 1.8 - I feel like I did before the "incident" (being way too tight) back in May. Jill says, from her view, this is how I used to be - having to eat really slow, getting stuck a couple times a week, minimal/rare PB's... It's again a reminder that the band is a tool, not a solution - and when you use it, it works. So I'm glad to be tight enough to know my tool is charged, I just need to keep it engaged!

The thing I've noticed lately - to the hilt - is that unfortunately, the weight loss battle continues. However, I feel like I've got someone on my side, my Band, that is, and unlike before when I would have yet another "last supper" and start another diet or fad or whatever, now when I really reset, I know I will see results. That is worth a lot! If struggling with food and weight can't disappear completely, I can sit happily knowing that I now feel 'normal' - that is, if I eat right and exercise, I will reach/maintain a healthy weight. Pre-band, I did not believe this (nor was it true). Not to discourage anyone new to the band or thinking about it - I wouldn't change it! But I do remember way back when, sitting there in JennyJudgment-ville thinking "oh, c'mon, it can't be that hard now that you've had surgery" or "oh, you must be cheating" or "I certainly won't be dieting! Plu-leeze!" ..."I won't settle in at 165 or 180!" Well, let me tell you a few things....having just reached my two year bandiversary last week...

- I still struggle. I will not tell a lie.
- I feel like I have a safety net now, and I can engage it as I choose - and frankly, I sometimes wish I chose to more often; or that I had over the past year anyhow.
- Routine helps!!! I found it way easier to lose weight when I worked 8-5 M-F, and was single and thus creating routine and filling up time with things like the gym, walking around the lake with friends/dates/myself, etc. and eating at home. I'm in the midst of making new routines now so I can feel that security and success again within the new set-up of being self-employed and having a girlfriend.
- Old habits die hard, and I have to fight my desires for sugar, chocolate, liquid calories (coffees, alcohol, etc.)
- Snacking will do you in, even on healthy foods like nuts, cheese, crackers etc. - 200 extra calories will halt weight loss, and that is not much food.
- I love my band. There are things about it that are a bummer, but overall, it is a very good thing and I wouldn't change it!

So, mea culpa: I am still hanging out at a weight I can barely write here but I am going to: 178-180. I have been there since I got back from Europe in June. Am I a loser? Kinda. But am I happy here? Well, kinda. Here's the thing: I had been trying to decide what is a good weight for me for a while, whether perhaps this weight was ok... I still had my goal of 155, which I set randomly way back when, based on my sister Julie who is gorgeous and lovely and who weighs about that. We have similar bodies otherwise, so it seemed a good goal. In thinking about staying where I am, I realized that man - I weigh a mere 23 pounds over my 'dream weight' - and how lame is it not to complete the process?? Well, again, kinda lame. For me, anyhow. So I decided to charge ahead, even though overall, I really dig my body as it is - but I don't like being on the edge of an unhealthy weight, nor knowing if I gain 5 pounds I start to get into way scary territory.

In order to conquer the balance, and keep me accountable and focused, I actually went out and joined Weight Watchers on Monday. Weekly meetings and weigh-ins will help with routine and focus. I know - bandsters reading this are saying one of a few things (I used to): "Lame." or "That'll never be me! I'm done with all that dieting crap" or "Shame on you for not just following the rules and doing it right." Or worse. And in some cases (probably longer-term bandsters): "You go girl, do what you need to..." - and honestly, over the past 2 years I've sat in judgment of other people doing diets or things like this, so I know - and the judgment was really just a manifestation of my own fear of being that person. And now I am, and it's ok! This is not irreparable damage.

That's my update - I feel a little scattered about it all, but fortunately, Jill and I are going to be living together soon! :) This helps with routine a lot! We've spent the last few weeks re-facing my house (paint, furniture, windows, etc.) in an effort to make it ours - she'll be moving in over the next month or so. The nice thing has been eating at home! When we were alternating houses, it seemed to hard - over the past few weeks, we've been eating at home and lucky for me - I found a girl who is happy to forgo the carbs, and who generally eats about as much as me (maybe a few more bites). So she is fine eating 4 ounces of fish on top of a bed of veggies; or marinated chicken strips with homemade tzatziki sauce with olives, tomatoes and broccoli. This helps too!

I'll try not to stay away so long this time. Hope everyone is doing well! I appreciate the emails and comments reminding me to come back here! :)

2007-07-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

Captain, We Have Restriction!!!

I'm so happy, oddly, that I barfed up my dinner last night. I really thought it was still mushie enough, and well, I was wrong. But I joyfully realized that my band is back in action, and I'm grateful, relieved and really, really happy I have it! Yay! More to come! But in the days since my Tuesday fill, the scale is definitely moving in the right direction. Phew, Jenn is relieved!!

2007-07-12T07:13:00.000-07:00

Fill, More Fill...

Well, I got a flouro-fill a couple weeks ago only to 1.1 (outta 4.0). When I was too tight, I was at 2.0. I watched on the little x-ray screen as I drank barium (mmmm! good! ;<) and saw my band letting the liquid through. Frankly, 1.1 looked reasonable; it appeared the opening was about the size of a McDonald's straw, which makes sense.

Or not.

I found I could still eat pretty much anything, though I had cut back some, I still knew I could...and I did. So, Tuesday I went in and got another fill; this time, when she drew it out I was only at .9, which is interesting because even when I've got 4 months, I've never 'evaporated' a bit! So, I think my fill was too small (obviously). I'm now at 1.5 cc's and things are feeling more normal to me, though I'm still on liquids and mushies for another day.

In terms of my weight, I actually can't post it. It's that bad. That embarrassing. I packed it on and feel like a big fat whale. However, I also know I can fix it, and now that I know my band is more reasonably full and I'll have help, I am feeling much more hopeful of getting back to where I was - and ultimately, to the coveted-not-yet-seen 155. My nurse recommended the South Beach diet, so I'm checking that out instead of WW. I realize sugars/carbs are my downfall, (duh! ask 9 outta 10 fat people...) and South Beach mitigates that problem. So, I'm excited to get going.

The other challenge is exercise. Why is this so hard? Can someone please inject me with the exercise gene? I want to WANT to exercise, but it is so hard, each and every time - even though I know it makes me feel good, gives me good energy, and makes me lose weight. I get it. But it is a drag, trying to get back to it...

I hope I don't sound too depressed. I am actually feeling good about it all and am ready to get my ass in gear. So, more to come. And later, I'll tell you what I weighed....when I don't weigh that any more. :)

2007-06-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

6-Month Plastics Anniversary!

Well, it's been 6 months since my plastic surgery. Here's a little update - I'll be relatively general, but am including a few details for those of you thinking or planning on plastics.

Overall, I'd say I'm 100% happy with my outcome and would do it again in a heartbeat. Let's start at the top...

My boobs are great. I love them. Truth be told, the, uh, centers don't exactly line up if I'm braless, and they never seem to ever...uh, go flat, if you know what I mean. So, a padded bra is a requirement or I feel a little naked. They themselves, overall, are very symmetrical though and a fantastic size (though, once I get my last 15-20 pounds off, I know they'll feel too small to me...but I'm used to being a DDD, not a C, barely). I can, if I'm feeling like it, go braless! This is exciting from an anti-gravity point of view. The scars are minimal and to be expected. Sometimes, if I lay on my tummy wrong, they can hurt, and the incisions sometimes still get tender when I bloat up a bit each month. I have 100% complete sensation in the chest area too. All that said, it's expected for Year 1 and ok with me.

For the lower body lift was a bigger deal and continues to be. The scar is, well, undeniable. But, again, I'll take a flat tummy with scar over the alternative any day. My hips and belly below the belly-button are still numb - expected up to 1 year. When the numbness subsides, those areas hurt for a bit, kind of achy more than anything. I still feel tight here and there, and sitting for too long in a position that puts pressure on the scar can be less than fun. Complaints? Well, I have a fairly flat butt (did before though, too - but now it's worse), my belly button is oh-so-slightly off center, and the scar is still a bit lumpy in areas (to the touch, not sight). But again, I am really not complaining in the scheme of things. I love my new body!

So, that's the update, and here's a full length photo for kicks. I still feel like a "big girl" but not a "fat girl." There is a difference! I am getting re-filled in a week or so and looking forward to lobbing off the last bit. Then, perhaps, I can focus on something else in life! Oy!

p.s. One other PS thought - I do find now I focus on the remaining fatty places, upper arms, upper back above the bra, and calves...I think we're never happy with our bodies 100%. However, I still love it more now than ever before!

2007-06-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

Lap-Banders: Do Not Try This At Home!

So, how's it going for empty-band-Jenn? Well, it's odd - to be honest. Here is the good, bad & ugly of being unfilled while traveling in Europe.

The Good
I won't lie. I'm a glutton, perhaps that's why I'm still housing a fat-girl soul...and it's been fun. Being unfilled. I've been able to be an easy travel companion (sure, a baguette sounds great!...I'll have the steak...diet coke, please.), I've enjoyed the dumbest things (re: diet coke...with an egg...on an english muffin! all together! can you imagine the PB's!). It's been a joy to not be the 'difficult one' or just feel like it. And, girls, you know the first place most of us gain (and sadly lose) weight is in the chest...and I'm quite happy with the top-half of my figure! Not to be gross, but being back to uh, 'regular' in terms of elimination has been so cool...seeing that most of the time I'm not praying for world peace, I'm praying to...well, you know....go. Yeah, being unfilled is kinda cool - one of our lapbanders rights, really - "you can undo it anytime, for any amount of time, and get it back to 100%." Sure, ok. Now onto...

The Bad
I can eat anything, and at times, find my old-school voracious appetite kicks in with vigor. My God, can I eat. Even my lovely girlfriend said, "Ya know, I kind of understand now why you were fat. You seem to put on weight faster than any normal person would - and unless you're sneaking food, you're not eating that much from where I'm sitting." True. Sing it, sister. Truth is, what I consider a "huge" amount of food doesn't really map to anything egregious; it's more a comparison to what I eat when properly banded. But hey - *This is why I have the bleepin' lapband.* Even my doctor once said I was "metabolism-challenged." Awesome. Anyhow, it's easy to be 'bad' and obviously, I tried for about 33 years pre-lapband to be 'good,' and didn't succeed then either. It's not exactly workin' out for me now.

The Ugly
I feel kinda like crap, to be honest. Not physically - but emotionally. It's hard to be back onto the willpower wagon; I don't have to work this hard anymore normally. And of course, I subscribe to "Hard work is good" but you fellow WLS people know, this isn't the kinda work that feels good. It's like carrying a 20-pound boulder around in circles but never actually building anything. Futile, hard, pointless, frustrating and unsuccessful.

I'm no dummy - I got the lapband because I proved to myself, over and over, that no matter how hard I worked to lose weight, no matter how well I ate or how few calories I took in - I couldn't do it consistently (i.e. forever). And it's somewhat depressing to realize that indeed, I rely on my band, bigtime. Though, in the same breath, duh! I mean, that's what I got it for! I was smart enough to know when to 'call it' per se; to throw in the towel and acknowledge 'I need help.' Well, it's no bowl of cherries to somewhat relive that difficult, humbling, painful decision. And here I am, sitting in that thought, antsy.

That all said - around Europe we're logging about 7.5-9.5 miles of walking per day! This can't hurt. I'm compensating for it though, with wine (I'm in France, for pete's sake! When in Rome...), occasional ice cream, crepes and well, bread. Ohhhhhh bread. Anyhow, I don't feel particularly fat; Jill comments that I view myself obsessively in the mirror (that may just be vanity though...who knows :) and based on what I see and how my close fit, honestly, I feel like I've held steady. I'm guessing I'm still hanging out around/about 170-173. I have no scale, opting not to pack it :) I get home on June 13 and couldn't get in for my re-fill until June 21st.

I can't wait, actually, to have it back - truth be told. BUT, staying unfilled for this trip feels like it was the 100% right decision. I always thought I'd never be one of "those people" who got unfilled for a trip or event; and likely wouldn't have thought to had it not be necessary so close to my departure. Phew! I've not blown up like a whale, but I'll be glad when I can relax again and just get back to the rules - rules that are easier to follow with immediate consequences when I don't. Here's to gearing up for Lapband Round 2: Getting to Goal - 155, baby.

Hope you all are well!

2007-05-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

She's Come Unfilled....

So much to report, so much space on the internet. Well that works out now doesn't it...

I don't know where to start but I will update you first on lap-band related stuff. A couple weeks ago, I gained like 4 pounds outta no where. It was weird, and concerning. Then I noticed I was PB'ing a lot. A lot. The kicker was the night that I was literally up all night with burning reflux.

Yeah, you heard me. Reflux.

Bandsters know that the lapband instantly cures reflux - so now, reflux = early slippage sign. Coupled with PB's and weight gain, I called my surgeon and went in for an unfill. My fluid was right at 2.0 cc's - and I hadn't had a fill since last summer! I guess I'm not much prone to evaporation...so I asked, "how much will you be putting back in?" And the nurse explained that nowadays, they leave you unfilled for 2 weeks.

So what else could I do but have a full-on panic attack and burst into tears? Fully convinced for 2-3 minutes that I'd surely explode and blow up to 262 before walking out of the office....I eventually collected myself. I agreed, fine, whatev'...I mean, she has the needle. And I can't exactly refill myself.

Next up I had to meet with Dr. Billing, my surgeon, who uttered these unexpected words, "Jenn, you're going to Europe in 3 weeks - just stay unfilled until after your trip. Eat some bread in France." Panic attack, take 2. "That's like almost 6 weeks! I'll surely blow up like a balloon." He assured me that it's ok to be unfilled for a few weeks, and that I was a good lil' patient who would likely not gain much more than 5 - 10 pounds.

FIVE TO TEN POUNDS?!?!?!?! Ok, WLS folks, you get the panic attack #3 that ensued.

But, after lots of thought, careful consideration and well, rolling the proverbial dice...I have decided to do just that: I will be unfilled a total of about 6 weeks when they fill'er back up on June 21st. And, indeed, I'll experience Europe puke-free this time. Jill & I leave on Friday! Edinburgh, Amsterdam, London & Paris (for my birthday!!)...

So how has it been? I won't lie to you:
- It sucks.
- I miss my band.
- I am indeed WAY more hungry without it.
- I am definitely eating more. A LOT MORE.
- Yeppers, weight has come back, but I'm weighing in daily and have stayed within 2 pounds of my doctor visit weight of (cringe, it almost hurts to type this) 170.
- I realize "i did the work" but I must say, the band does a shitload of it for me.
- I miss being full, and staying that way for a long time after a smallish meal.

Ok, the good, again I won't lie: I've cheerfully taken a dive in to no-lap-band-land and eaten...EGGS! Salad! Diet Pepsi. Bread, a couple times. Pizza, too many times. A burrito. I've taken big bites, and chewed poorly. I've drank giant glasses of water with food. In tandem. I've drank water to wash down the aforementioned big, poorly chewed bite, and nothing has flown back out!

Sure, it's been fun to eat the things I "can't" normally. But here are Jenn's words'o'wisdom: Don't think it's all good. I feel like shit, or, relative shit - I remember how tired I was from eating too many carbs...I've had heartburn from eating tomato sauce, oy, yeah, those were the days.

Bottom line: My lap-band RULES. I would be fat without it, as I was before, and well, as much as I'd like to not depend on it - I do. And I'll be happy to have'er back.

Here's a little update of me a few days pre-unfill:

Not the most flattering angle, but you get the gist.
Hope everyone is well! I'll be posting from across the pond, to my other Photo Blog, starting this coming weekend!

2007-03-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap!

Whoa! Have I had some serious life change since I last posted. Where do I start? Ok, first, everything is ok!

Yesterday was my last day at my job - my job of 10 years! I worked (as most of you know) for Adobe Systems. It was time, and I am now happily unemployed! I will be posting more now that I'll have time on my hands. Promise!

Update on WLS stuff - so, with all the transition going on, I decided to sit steady at 163-165 pounds. I'll write more on this later, but I was killing myself and it was just too much stress. I hit my 3-month plastics anniversary this past weekend, and I have my formal appointment next week. Here are a few shots of me now!The one of me and a bowling ball was taken by a tipsy friend, but I was surprised to just see my body - it still shocks me! The other is me at my desk, on my 2nd to last day. More soon!

2007-02-01T09:31:00.000-08:00

Lap-bandin', Weight-Watchin'...

Tuesday, I went to my surgeon's Lap-Band support group for the first time in ages. I'm reminded that it is just so individual, the experience we have with our bands. One woman said, "I feel like I am on a diet every day for the rest of my life..." and there were nods around the room. Another piped up and said, "Wow, my experience is the opposite - I don't feel like I'm dieting at all!" I'm in the camp of the latter (yay!)...though, lately, I am on a diet everyday actually - but that's not about the band. It's more about me getting back to center on calorie intake, healthy habits and awareness.

Which leads to me how the WW'ing is going: Good! I weighed in this morning at a spry 163.8 - that's almost 2 pounds in 10 days! In 1.8 more pounds, I hit 100!! I mean considering how stuck I was feeling, it's amazing if you just (duh!) restrict your calories a little, exercise a little, drink more water and be aware....one loses weight. ;) Seriously though - the biggest changes for me are:

1) I'm drinking my water - 64 oz. (8 - 8oz servings) per day!
2) Alcohol consumption is minimal - I went out a lot and always got a drink without thinking. Now I get water a lot of the time, and when I do drink it's the low carb (re: dirty martini or red wine...) option. And alcohol is a lot of WW 'points' - most of the time I'd rather get to eat something.
3) Down with cheese! I know, this is shocking because I'm such a huge, huge fan of cheese. I will report I've not bought any 'nice' french or other cheeses since I started. Rather, I'm eating those silly little Laughing Cow "light" rounds. They're tastey, and 50 calories (1 point).
4) Portion Control: Yes, this is an issue even with a lapband. Somehow, I can easily chow down 1/2 c of almonds, for example. One (2-point) serving is 12 almonds. That is not 1/2 cup for sure...that 1/2 cup has about 3x the calories!

I've been walking about 1 hour/day again - I just dig it! I will work in the gym, etc. as needed, but to be honest, I lost the bulk of my weight getting up at 6:15 a.m., walking from about 6:20 - 7:20 each day, and then getting to work by 8:00 - done with the exercise (check!) and energized to boot. So, as long as I lose, I'm gonna stick to exercise I actually enjoy, rather than forcing myself into activities that feel emotionally hard...until I need to in order to lose, anyhow.

In other quick news, I had my "scar treatment" appointment with my PS yesterday. I got this silicone stuff to wear for 3 months (!!!) 20 hours/day. It's a nuisance to be honest but they've been right about everything else so far. I still get tight in my abdomen if I sit for a long time, and that left side - boy - they sewed that up teeee-ight! Sometimes I still get that "I'm gonna split in two" spasmy feel, but it passes. All in all, still 100% happy as a clam about my plastics! At 8 weeks, I can do a sit-up, and start going to yoga again. I may also try pilates - Jill is a big, big fan, and I figure, why not try something new?

Sorry for the absence and slow updates. I'll try to do better next week!
xoxo

2007-01-22T10:37:00.000-08:00

WW to Finish!

Just wanted to let you know that I signed up for Weight Watchers online in an effort to lose my last 11-15 pounds. Actually, it set my goal at 150, and today I weighed in at 166.6...so, I'm aiming for a 16.6 loss and we'll go from there.

It's super cool in that it gives not only a way to track food intake, but little checkboxes for water, veggies/fruit servings, vitamin, etc. so you can also track healthy habits (which I'll admit, have been a struggle for me...can't seem to get a vitamin down the hatch to save my life!). I realize that while I've lost all this weight, there are other aspects of having a healthy body besides being at a "normal" weight. For example, I'm still eating too much of some things for a healthy heart (yeah, yeah, the cheese...), using artificial sweetners/chemicals as a crutch (crystal light...), and not getting in many fruits & veggies (and then complaining about my...uh, fiber-challenged body).

Anyhow, now with the clearance to exercise again, a 2nd wind (so to speak) from my joy around my post-plastics bod, I'm gunning it to my end-goal! My weigh-in day is Monday, and I'm going to post it here, too - even if it's ugly.

This entry is mostly to ask for accountibility from all y'all...but also a little pitch to those of you who may need a similar mechanism to continue your own weight loss. So, if there's any appeal, consider signing up - you get a week for free, and then it's $65 for the first 3 months. I chose the "flexible" plan where you count points (you all know how i love to track stuff) - but there is one with "no counting" as well! I figure, I paid thousands for my lap-band; another $65 toward the effort is a drop in the bucket...and I know that for me, structure yields the best results for my body (and soul, for that matter).

So here's a link. If you sign up, let me know! It's interesting balancing and integrating general weight loss philosophy/rules with the lap-band rules - it's completely doable - and I'd love some other folks who are working through the same adjustments to swap ideas, successes and failures:

www.weightwatchers.com/free

Thanks for all of your love & support down to 166.6 - here's to finishing!
~jenn

2007-01-21T00:48:00.000-08:00

Hey!

Hi everyone! First, I wanted to thank so many of you who have written such nice comments to me lately :) They make me smile, and also happy that I blog!

What do I have to report? Not too much, really. Still healing along - I'm allowed to work out (no impact) but have been going to the gym and doing stairs or elliptical or walking (outside) everyday. My weight is still where it was, but I have to be patient - I did have 13 pounds lobbed off, and then dropped another 4-5 during recovery - that's a good month's work. I just need to sit tight, but I'm anxious about the last 11 pounds...

I'm wearing 12's that are big on me, which is cool. I'm still swollen, but in a way that is normal and expected. I had to go to Portland for work and on the drive home I could feel myself swelling up! I got home and my loose jeans had become tight - so I'm trying to keep moving and yet, not overdo it...all in all though, I'm still kickin' along, getting my energy back, etc.

Last - can I rant? I yet again ran into someone who made the reference that people who lose weight without WLS "work their asses off to lose weight" as if we don't! GRrrrrrrr! Like, last time I checked, everyone I know who's had WLS has um, worked. Just a little bit. No? Really now...

2007-01-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

Bad Jenn!

Where did I go? I don't know, but once I was freed from the couch seems I've neglected my blogging responsibilities! So, let me catch you up...

Once the drains were out, I puffed up like a little sausage. Not fun! And since, I've learned that when skinny people PMS, the bloat is not only noticeable, it's undeniable! I think when I was fat, and extra inch or two of bloat was hardly noticable - now, it means a different pair of pants need to be put on. I look like I'm three months pregnant! That said, at my follow-up appointment, Melissa quickly determined that it was indeed just swelling and no fluid retention, which in the realm of medicine, is good news. I was kinda hoping she could just make it go away. Alas...two months before the swelling is gone.

I was overdoing it. Imagine. So Jill whisked me away to a no-internet-no-cellphone space so I'd chill and be ready to go back to work - which happened this past Monday. I had to hold still and lay on my back for 3 days after the drains came out, and to be honest, restful days = less puffy days.

Last weekend, I had the amazing experience of shopping with the lay people - normal sized clothes people. First, I didn't spend a lot - it's like I have a little innertube around my waist where my incision is...I'm a size 12 with it, and expect to be a 10 without it - plus I have 11 pounds to go...so, I went to Tar-gay, and Macy's sale rack, and the JC Boutique (that's Penney's). I spent not much, and rounded out enough of a woredrobe to go back to work. My sister and I were across the hall from one another trying on clothes for the first time in our lives!

Earlier in the week, I needed undies...Jill and I went to the mall and I walked by some place that said, "5 for $25 Undies" and my hips were killing me and I was like, "perfect!" so we went in, I picked 4, she picked one...then I saw sale bras. As of drains-out day, I was allowed to remove the chest binder! Bras, provided no underwire or push-ups, were permitted so I grabbed two "sports bras" that actually look like regular bras! Then, I was like, "Jill, what is this store? Where are we??" She said, "Uh, Victoria's Secret....do you not see all of the "VS's" all around??" I realized I'd never been in one. Funny! I went back with my sister Julie and got a few more.

Otherwise, I also accomplished clearing out every single article of clothing now too big. Every drawer, closet, on-the-floor-under-the-bed piece of clothing was tried on. I got rid of undies, bras, pants galore and some shirts. I let it all go! It felt great!!!

Lastly, getting back to work has been rougher than expected. First, sitting/being mobile all day is a switch. Using my brain in such a different capacity for 8 hours in the same day has proven exhausting (yeah, my job, as it turns out, is more challenging than surfing the web, watching Arrested Development and sleeping...). And, the swelling is not as tolerable when you have to sit up all day...so I've been doing some good working from home, lying on my couch, laptop propped up on pillows on my belly. Gettin' it done, but feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed - it wasn't the piece of cake I'd hoped it would be, but I'm sure it's more the transition/adjustment than the actual work.

Overall, I'm still 100% delighted with my outcome! My chest is in good order, I've had minor incision pain for the first time (at 4 weeks...weird!) but usually only after I've gone braless for a bit - so I keep a sports bra, or the little t-shirty bra from target on and all is well. My waist is swollen in the front (have I mentioned that???) and across my hips in a bumpy way; I am to massage it whenever I think to...so I do. It's not the most fun thing but hey, in the realm of recoveries, I cannot complain! The incision itself is symmetrical, healing well, and I am I truly happy about it.

Sorry for the hiatus, getting back to life again zapped my energy and time! I'm going either this Friday or next for my official 1-month photos and I see the doctor himself for the first time (complication-free peeps only see the nurse, which is fine by me!).

2006-12-27T15:10:00.000-08:00

Day 16: Things are looking quite bright!

This morning I finally got my drains out, and also they removed the stitches from my waistline incision. My chest is healing great, and I was allowed to switch from the binder to a sports bra! How normal :) I am still bound at the waistline for a while more, but that is ok. Removal of drains requires 3 days back on the couch, but I'm ok with that. Tomorrow, I can shower! Considering I haven't since December 11th, this is very exciting to say the least! (I've mastered the sink bath though, no smelly Jenn here!). My incisions overall are better than I'd hoped and are healing as expected.

I don't really have anything riveting to update except that every day is better and better, I feel good but still tire quickly and easily, and I'm still super happy with my results. Today Jill snapped photos from behind at the doctor's office and seeing the whole picture of me'backside was awesome - what an amazing difference!!! I have some photos - they certainly aren't offensive, but I hesitate to post. Just comment with your email address and I will send them if you're interested!

2006-12-21T11:56:00.000-08:00

Good News, Bad News...

The bad news is mama'z still draining too much to have them out tomorrow...and with the holiday, I have to wait until Tuesday. Balls. Ah well, I'd rather drain it out than have it collect inside, bloat me out and cause extra swelling. I'm all for following the rules on this, 100%. That's the bad news.

The good news is that I got permission to wash my compression garments, which means I used the timer on my camera to take these two shots for y'all:

Let's all say it together: "Money Well Spent"

All of you WLS folks emailing me who want me to convince your hubbies/significant others that this is worth the dough, give me their email. I'll convince them with just a few before and after shots :) - and I'll throw in a few genuine, honest, tear-jerking paragraphs as well. Because for real - I've had to just sit here and stare at myself to believe that I'm finally in the body I have always felt was stuck in there somewhere...

2006-12-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

Flat

So, today I just was thinking I might try to leave the house tonight for maybe an hour in real clothes. It's good for me to move around at this point, and 1-hour is about what I've got in me. So, played it super low-key all day, and then went to my closet to try to figure up something to wear. I've been dying to try on clothes!

I start putting on some things. I was trying to be creative in dealing with the drains/fanny pack. As a lesbian, it is a cultural/fashion faux pas to have a fanny pack, just as having a mullet, wearing birkenstocks and clogs, are all very cliche - (not that I don't/haven't done these things, say, in the early 90's (never a mullet though)) - but the fanny pack is the crowning jewel of unhip lesbian fashion.

I realized I was kinda lumpy because Melissa had put some gauze inside my waist binder - knowing I'm feeling so much better, I thought, "I'm gonna ditch the gauze..." and then, well, I couldn't stand it. I popped off both binders, hooked the drains to my undies and finally took a look at myself, fairly naked, upright.

And stood in front of the mirror. And stood. Turned. Starred. Stood.

I took a pic with my cell phone and sent it to Jill. I called my sister, at work 1 mile away, and asked her to come over *right now* if she could.

HOLY SHIT I HAVE A FLAT STOMACH, CURVES, A PERFECT BELLY BUTTON AND A PERKY CHEST.

This thought played like the MSN crawl through my mind until my sister showed up...

"Holy smokes Jennifer!" She said. Julie and I have similar bone structure, and indeed, aside from the scars and stretch marks, sagging upper arms and flabby inner thighs (sigh), in many ways, we have a very similar look to us now. I got on the scale, in just undies and still a few bandages, and weighed in at 166.8. Zowee!! But more importantly, I have like a six-pack stomach, I mean, it's like, muscular looking and flat and firm and and and...I guess I just couldn't get over it. Clearly.

I should get my drains out Friday (please, please) and at that point, I'll get a shot in some shorts and a jog bra up. I'm just continually shocked. I heart my surgeon. But I still am struggling with the fanny pack...alas.

2006-12-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

Seriously

Here's me, about an hour or so ago. Mind you, these are "old" jeans that still work since I'm wearing compression garments and gauze and swelling. Just thought I'd offer a contrast shot from Christmas 2004... Give me a little time and I'll get some actual, post-plastics swelling, finish up of the last 13 pounds, etc. pix for y'all. I'm actually beginning to see myself as a totally normal looking girl. How'bout that?

2006-12-18T22:42:00.000-08:00

A Day In The Life...

Getting better is hard. Seriously. One has to considerably lower the bar in terms of what the definition of "achievement" or "productivity" looks like. For example, each day, I'm trying to walk a bit farther OR faster (but not yet both); do at least one "special activity points" task and break a small sweat at least once.

Today, it looked like this:

8:00: Bathe. This is more of a chore than you can imagine. Emotionally, my self-talk through this process reminds me of a run around Greenlake. It goes a little like this:

Getting started: awesome Jenn, look at you! you can clean yourself!
About 1/2 way: Cool, body clean, just need to wash your hair...
Clean Girl: Ok, now, wash you face...that's it, keep going...brush those teeth...
To the bedroom: Lotion. Just put it on. It's good. You'll feel soft, it's winter...no skipping this step or you will be itchy all day and mad at yourself!
Get Dressed: Oh, I know, you're getting pooped, but you're in the home stretch!
Dry hair: Ok, this is hard. But you can sit on your little stool for this. It won't take long....
Last Little Bit, C'mon Girl!: Throw a few curling iron twirls through the ole' mop, pop in a barrett, eyeliner......mascara......face powder.

And we're back on the couch, exhausted.

10:30 a..m: Walk the one block to Lighthouse Coffee. Now, this one is easy as there is a true 'carrot' at the midway point in the form of a rockstar coffee. (Note: Now that I am dating *yes, officially* Jill, who actually owns a coffeeshop in a totally different yet nearby neighborhood, I may need to rescind my unadulturated gushing about how Lighthouse is the best coffeehouse in Seattle...perhaps now, I will at a minimum equate it to her very cool shop, Cloud City Coffee). But I digress (imagine...)...

12:00 Lunch Date: My pal Kirsten came by with the awesome soup from the Greek place by work, and a pita. We visit, it's fun! She leaves, I rest...

3:00 Special Activity - Laundry!: I start the small load of whites, noting the 3 p.m. time. Tidy up the living room and kitchen, just put some stuff away, wipe the counters, gather up the trash. Fold some existing laundry...I'm so proud, thinking I've worked for a good hour! Broken my requisite sweat for the day even...I land on the couch to find the time at a whoopin' 3:18. That's it's folks - I got 18 minutes of energy in me.

4:00 Kate pops by, having run a few errands for me. We visit. It's low key and nice.

Then I putter, watch TV, rat-tat-tat on my computer...Samantha pops over. Kels comes home from work. Samantha leaves. Anh pops over with an absolutely FABULOUS new shirt for me for Christmas...I can't wait to wear it!! Anh takes off, meanwhile though Jill has arrived and we order dinner which she picks up, and then we just hang out and visit until she has to take off....

And that's a day in the life of Jenn right now. Riveting, no? It's funny how in normal life, I'd look at a day like this as unproductive but right now, I sleep well knowing I'm progressing!

Tuesday: Hoping to walk 2 blocks, need to put laundry away, and I think run the vacuum. The Samantha/Anita duo are coming tonight and making soup for dinner - I'm still just a little bit 'Martha, ya know? Gotta clean up for company!

p.s. Body is holding up well. I'm still doing Tylenol every 4 hours + the anti-biotic, occasional Benedryl when I get itchy around the incisions. My sides are sooooo tight sometimes it feels like I might tear in 2, but I don't....and honestly, the most discomfort is still the drain entry points, which I should only have to deal with through the end of the week, and I can handle that. For all that was done to this lil' bod of mine, I'd say the discomfort level really isn't something to be complained about!

OH YEAH, and for the love of gawd, I sneezed for the first time yesterday and thought my stomach was going to rupture to the tune of Sigourney Weaver birthing an alien. It didn't, but I did confirm that I sneeze about 1/week, and that indeed, each and every abdominal muscle you have comes heartily into play when you sneeze.

2006-12-17T13:17:00.000-08:00

Introducing: My New Chest!

For the first time since around 5th grade, braless!! I got this tank top a few weeks ago just for this post :) Check out Blue Platypus for some really cool shirts! But, more importantly, check out below for some really cool boobs. :)

2006-12-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

The Past Week Has Been a Blur...

I feel like I'm starting to be able to rejoin the real world. For a bit, the only way I knew I'd spoken to someone was to review my "recently dialed calls" list on my cell phone during moments of lucidity (i.e., almost time for next dose of meds...)...no joke! I am on Day 5 I guess, not counting surgery day, and I am off narcotics!! Or, at least I'm trying to be - I'm taking tylenol and seeing how I do. Still wiped out and tired - but able to give myself a very respectable sponge bath (mobility has MUCH improved) and feel clean and tidy enough. All bodily functions have resumed - without giving any details - but those who've had surgery know this is a big deal...

I'm a little achy here and there, still negotiating two drains (which are housed in my very fashionable fanny pack) and of course, I'm bound up from hips to chest in a velcro body-wrap and industrial bra. Sexy. It's weird to be squeezed all the time. I suppose it's like getting a constant, somehwhat relentless, hug. Coughing is still no joy, and bending over to say, put socks on, is still not possible. But I can get up and down without wincing, walk across the street and up and down the block...and I even cleaned the bathroom sink. Will the small miracles ever cease? ;)

But here is the crux of this post...I am sad about my boobs.

I think I'm actually grieving the loss of my big boobs, or, perhaps moreso, my identity as a big-boobed girl. I know, I know "this is what YOU wanted Jenn!" true - but hear me out. Though I'd been asking my mom for a breast reduction since about 6th grade, at some point as a teen/early adult, despite being fat, I started to identify - in a good way - with being a girl of ample bosom. It was like, "well, at least I've got that" "that" being one part of my body that was not only societially accepted, but actually celebrated/approved. Am I making sense? So along with the 95% of my body that was essentially "unapproved" (fat) in having the plastic surgery, I also kinda gave up the one part that I think made me feel like I was 'ok' in the past - my giant chest. And mind you, I easily could've opted for implants and kept myself a healthy D or bigger - but I never gave that a thought. I've already got one foreign object in me (my lap band) and I had no need or interest in any more. I never even considered this.

All that said, I had a little moment last night where I just felt some sadness as I looked at my new, C-cup, cute, perky, adorable lil' boobs. They're awesome by anyone's standard - not to toot my own horn, but rather to toot my surgeon's - he did a seriously bang up job. They fit my new body and honestly, look way better than I expected. But still, they are a mere shadow of their former selves...but then again, so am I. I cheated and weighed myself: 171. Wow, 16 lbs, much of which will go with recovery/swelling reduction and I'm at my glorious goal weight of 155.

I am ok with this - and I will adapt and surely embrace the new ta-ta's (ya know, braless in a fabulous dress, for example :) but, I think I may need to just be a little sad and pay homage to what they once were before I get there. And that's ok - this whole losing a person's worth of fat is a process, and honoring these steps keep me emotionally healthly - not doing so just stuffs down feelings that are there regardless of whether or not I deal with them. It's just funny how though the whole thing is exactly what I wanted, yet it's also true that nothing this big and life-changing comes without some serious emotional processing and work. I'm 'in' though, so I know it will be ok!

xoxo, from my seemingly permanent position on my couch,
~jenn

2006-12-15T00:36:00.000-08:00

So, What's It Been Like?

I will not diminish the intensity of the past 4 or 5 days - but I will say that all things considered, I rate myself a hearty "B+" in terms of recovery. Why? Well, on Wednesday, I managed to get myself up and to the toilet and back down onto the couch. Small achievement to some, but huge for me. Wearing the compression garments (girdle and industrial bra) is odd - sometimes it's hard to differentiate between actual skin/incision tightness vs. the binder. By Thursday, I essentially have been able to get and up and down entirely on my own many, many times/day! I've bathed myself along twice and had help once washing my hair. All in all, I feel far less gross that I anticipated.

Yesterday was my 4-day appointment. I had my pain pump removed (it took 5 seconds, no pain) and all of the steri-strips covering all incisions removed, wounds washed and new steri's put on. I got another look at myself and am still quite pleased with the results. Having always had an ample bosom, it's still odd to look down and see these cute little C cups boobies - but they fit my body and really look amazing! Interestingly, the do all the stiches under the skin and use the strips to hold the outside layer of skin together. This leaves a hairline scar as time goes on. However, there are some herkin' stiches along the waistline as that area requires much more reinforcement. Oh, and my 'new' belly button looks really cool too - all in all, I couldn't be happier at this stage.

Melissa said I was doing really well, and that some people just come in with attitudes that work against their recovery. Needless to say, I am so excited and motivated to get better, there is no question that it's helping to move things along. For now, I'm still bound up (1 month), drains we're looking at next Wednesday or so for removal (he haw!) and then they take your 1-month photos. My surgeon popped in to check a few things and I told him I worshipped him and was so thankful and pleased with the job he did. Honestly, looking at the before/after shots, the guy has a gift.

Oh yea, I wanted to post about what I'm eating! As you bandsters can imagine, I'm terrified of stuckage/PB's - my abs hurt when I cough, move etc. sooooo bad that the last thing I'd want to have to do is a PB. To that end, I've basically put myself back on liquids/mushies. I've had 2-3 protein shakes/day, 2 small yogurts (the kind that come in a 6-pack), crackers, and applesauce. I did have a tiny bit of tuna salad and cheese one night too. The good news is that it's resetting my clock - no sugar, caffiene, alcohol. And, outside of sugar, I imagine caffeine and alcochol will be back in the mix eventually, it's always good to hit that reset button. I'm overall not terribly hungry, but I'm not repulsed at the notion of eating either. Oh, and Im' doing 1-3 of those Airbornne things - basically tasty liquid vitamins. And I've been drinking like a fish...hence, peeing like crazy, which is good motivation for getting up and down over and over.

The two biggest bummers: Mother Nature decided to grace me with my period. Yep, fun times managing that when you really can't bend over or reach things very easily. Second, the site where the two lower drains are inserted are a little ouchy, but c'mon, all things considered, I'm delighted in my recovery so far!

2006-12-13T18:49:00.000-08:00

Plastics Are Done!!!

Hi all! I had my plastics on Monday 12/11 at 7 a.m. I had red carpet treatment, things move quickly and I was hardly nervous. Jill (girl i am dating) took loads of pix while the surgeon marked me up. Next thing I knew I was in recovery! They removed 13 pounds of skin!!

Everything has kinda ended up as I expected - holy abdominal pain, batman...I had catheter the first night so I could sleep well. Tuesday, went in and got to see the preliminary product!! They removed bandages and I almost cried. I am not kidding - I have the cutest boobs ever (to me, anyhow). a nice belly button and a flat tummy! The boobs ended up a average C - smaller than he had thought they would end up but they look great! My mom was there and said, "jennifer, I don't recall you ever having such a perky chest...well, maybe when you were 10." And went on to say she was jealous of them :) They redressed the wounds, removed the breast drains and got me all tidied up.

The last two days have consisted drugs and sleep... Oxycodone every 4 hours, an antibiotic every 6 hours along with a homeopathic combo the surgeon gave me for swelling and bruising (which, after 1 day, I had a small 2" segment of bruising on my left hip)...and a valium at night to assure good sleep! It's day 3 today, and I got up to pee all alone 4 times, gave myself a little sponge-bath and my pal Vickie who has been taking care of me at her house washed my hair for me! It does seem as long as I stay on top of the drugs, I really have no pain except for getting up and down, and a little stinging at one of the drain sites.

I have a load of pix which I'm happy to share with other WLS folks considering a LBL or breast lift. Just comment here with you email address (I'll delete it once I get it) and I'll send you a few. For now though, I thought a before & after tummy shot wouldn't offend anyone...so how'bout them apples??

2006-12-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

Surgery on Monday!

Check out today's horoscope:

Here is your horoscope for Friday, December 8:

It's time for you to shed those last traces of hesitation and take a leap of faith. Your willingness to lay everything on the line and go for that make-or-break choice will reward you beyond anything you've imagined.

Here's some information about what's going to happen. I'll try to post again before, but if not, I'm certain to post after.

- I am having two primary procedures: LBL (Lower Body Lift) and a BL (breast lift - mastopexy)
- The estimated time of surgery is 9 hours (yes, I know, 9 hours is long...I get that)
- I will have an incision around my entire waist, front to back, but the way I carry my weight is good and so my scar will be low around my hips; I will have "anchor" incisions on my breasts, which means below them in a c-shape, a line up and then a circle around the nipple area (which should keep all sensation/functionality based on how he's doing it).
- They will sew up my abdominal muscles to tighten them and give me more of a waist - this is the primary pain that I will have after the surgery; hardly anyone complains of incision pain.
- I will keep my belly button, but it will be repositioned based on my "new" stomach landscape.
- They expect to remove between 5-12 pounds of skin/fat, etc.
- Liposuction will only be used if needed for contouring of the skin.

Here are links to photos of both procedures completed by my surgeon if you are interested in seeing the outcome of these types of surgeries:

LBL: http://www.egrari.com/gallery/wl_body_contouring/wl_1.shtml
BL: http://www.egrari.com/gallery/breast_lift/breast_lift_1.shtml - NOTE: I am getting Mastopexy alone; no augmentation (which means implants). They're just hiking them up, not adding (good lord!) anything to them.

Here also is a helpful link that explains the process for the BL with drawings:
http://www.plasticsurgery.org/patients_consumers/procedures/Mastopexy.cfm

They do not have one for LBL, but this shows the procedure for a tummy tuck, which is the key part of the LBL:
http://www.plasticsurgery.org/patients_consumers/procedures/Abdominoplasty.cfm

Hope everyone is doing well!
xoxo

2006-11-25T00:44:00.000-08:00

This Lap-Bander's Thanksgiving Plate

2006-11-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

Normalizing

One my of pals is always like, "Why ya gotta be all "I got a lapband" the first minute people meet you?" At first I was like, "Well, it's a little all-consuming..." But over time, I started to wonder the same thing. Like, when do I just get to be ya know, a semi-normal person who eats small portions?

So, I met this girl.

The first time we went out, I got some nachos. They were huge. So my picking at them really went unnoticed because no normal person would've really dented them.

The second time we went out, we went to this *amazing* place called Baguette Box. They make this stunning baguette sandwiches. But c'mon, we all know most bandsters aren't chowing down baguettes! So, I get the red-wine braised pork, open'er up, and eat the innards (about 1/2) with a fork, grabbing a little of the wine-soaked bread along the way. So, she gets the skirt steak baguette and you can see where this is going....she was done with the whole thing, and I hardly looked like I'd eaten.

She said, "Oh man, I am such a pig! You're hardly started and I ate that whole thing!!"

I put down my fork and came clean. The last thing I'd ever want is a girl, who I'm kinda digging, to feel like she was a pig because of my lapband! She was very gracious, curious and was then like, "oh, ok, now I feel better!" It's just a funny thing, I guess, the whole thing.

By the way - we're on date #6 now! Could be it??? We'll see. One day (date) at a time...

2006-11-12T19:06:00.000-08:00

I caught the bouquet!

Scary, I know...but I caught the bouquet. You can see a little bit of how I'm looking in these photos :)

~jenn

2006-11-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

Former Fat Girl Moment 289: The Bathtub

I took a bath this morning; not something I do often, but felt like it today. Used to be when I drained the tub, I'd sit up, let it drain...and then stand up, allowing the rush of water stuck behind my wide ass to rush past the already-empty front end of the tub toward the drain. My hips were basically damming up the draining of the bath, holding 1/3 of the water back. Today, after I drained the front of the tub, I stood up waiting for the rush of water to come from behind...but it didn't! The tub was completely empty already. :) In other words, I am no longer so wide as to horizontally fill my tub. Who thinks of these little victories until they happen?

In other news - not much to report:
- still stuck at 180ish - criminy!!
- terrified and excited all at once for surgery on dec. 11
- settling into my body though, for a while, it didn't feel like mine - and sometimes I wonder if that's why I've gotten stuck at this weight - inside, a part of me is like, "no, you have to settle in here before you advance"...like karate, no moving on to your next belt until you've mastered the one before it. sometimes, that's how it feels...but lately, when i look in the mirror, it looks 'right' - wls folks, i think you get what i mean here??
- my baby sister gets married tomorrow! i bought a hot (and very alterable :) dress to wear. i'm very excited!! i'll aim for getting a photo to y'all :)

Hope everyone is well! Sorry I keep checking out, but I'm actually doing well in the scheme of things!

2006-10-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

I Have Joined a Cult

Ok, so we WLS folks (mostly) have to work to truly embrace exercise. It sucks to try to move a 260+ pound body. But, I gotta tell you - I've found it. I've officially joined the cult of the lovers of Hot Yoga - formally called Bikram Yoga. What is this, you ask? Well, it's 26 postures of yoga done in a room heated to 105-110 degrees. Hotter than the blazes of hellfire. Yes. But there is this thoughtful discipline about it - you want to do better, and the instructors don't hesitate to say "looks good Jenn, just bring your hips forward a little" or something every class.

So how did this happen? My pal ck asked me to go with him...for, well, months...and one Sunday morning a few weeks back, I was feeling pretty beaten down after a difficult Saturday night. So, I figured, why not try it when I already feel like shit, right? Well...now, I'm running around like an evangelist: I found hot yoga! Join me!

So you say, "I hate being hot!" Me too. HATE IT - hello, I live in the Pacific NW for a reason! But now, I cannot imagine do yoga in a cold room. So, I went back that following Monday and bought the unlimited month with a goal of going 3-4x/week, I've gone 9 times this month already. I cannot describe why I'm in love with it, other than to say you sweat buckets and feel the same as you do after running 5 miles - but without struggling past the mental block of simply not really liking it. For me, with running, the challenge really is to just not hate it the whole time. Hot yoga, the challenge is to take it to the next level and I love about every minute of it.

Oh, and did I mention, at ~180 lbs (yes, yes, still........ug), in the 90-minute session I burn 1225 calories. No shit people. Talk about a good return on investment! Outside of sprinting, there isn't much that will bang out that many calories - heart rate gets up for a good chunk of it. And again, I like it!

I'm hoping it will kick me back into weightloss gear, as I cannot for life of me figure out what I'm doing wrong. That said, you cannot drink alcohol and do this yoga the next morning - so I've reduced my liquid calories in that arena significantly. Plus, I've axed out all sugar and liquid calories (except for a little wine with dinner here and there) ....again. Trying to just be super-mindful. Sadly, it is amazing how calories start creeping back in and while I've not gained a stitch, I'm not moving down either. So, between sweating 3 pounds off most days, and re-commiting to the 10 Lap-Band commitments, let's hope for some progress!!

Hope you all are well!

2006-09-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

18/20s??

I have a slew of simple, long sleeve v-neck and crew neck Lane Bryant shirts in a variety of solid, fall colors (orange, black, red, brown). I would love to pass them on to someone! Soooooo, whoever emails me first at: cutiepie@pobox.com I will send them to you (and then delete this post). So, ready, set go!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

Pictures Speak 1000 Words...Or, 80 Pounds

2006-09-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

Locked'n'Loaded

Plastic surgery is scheduled for Monday, December 11, 2006. Deposit paid. Adobe stock, thank you very muchly, is on my side, and well, I'm just not afraid anymore. I'll be 35-and-a-half that day, which means my 6-month post-op will be on my birthday in June. I like the number 11 - well, I like odd #s in general, and 11 seemed a better one that 13 (I'm not that superstitious, but why mess if you don't have to?? :)

Now, the hardcore work of dropping the rest of the weight with a hearty deadline to work toward (hey, I was a journalism major for a reason - I kick ass when on a deadline!). Oddly, for having 40+ inches of incisions, I'm completely excited.

Yay!

2006-09-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

One Year Today: Then & Now

Bigger post to follow soon...a lot going on. Just know I'm happy with how I've done! I mean really, look!!!!

2006-09-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

60 Minutes

Today, Anhl and I decided to aim for 60 minutes and see how we did. We ran the first lap around the lake in 33 minutes - about 11.6 minute miles. When I asked for the first time where we were at on the second lap, she said 49 minutes total. Then I thought, "Ok, thats like 2 more iPod songs. I can do this." When I waivered, I thought, if I finish, then I can post this to my blog:

I RAN OVER 5 MILES TODAY.
I RAN 60 MINUTES WITHOUT STOPPING ONCE.

This is the first time in my life I believe I can make these two statements. Hot damn. Glad people read this, as it pushed me for those last 11 minutes!

p.s. Bonus: This run was on 5 hours of sleep, after 2 hours+ of dancing last night, but only one, I repeat one, drink.

p.s.s.
Anhl said, "Um, I'm not so sure about this running in the rain stuff..."
I replied, "Yeah...well, we signed up to do a 1/2 marathon in November. In Seattle." And added, "I believe a trip to REI is in our future..." as today was the first day of serious running-in-the-rain. Jenn also needs to get her some contacts...glasses in the rain? Not so much.

2006-09-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

Plastics

So today was my plastic surgeon consult. And boy, do they make you want it.

I went in figuring this would be the appointment that made me say, "Ok, for my $75, I now know I don't want to be hacked into, no franken-body for me, I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Hmpf." Rather, I left thinking, "how soon can I schedule this??" So let me connect the dots for you.

I went to see the sort of higher-end nip/tuck-like doc over in white-upper-class-bellevue, Dr. Sepehr Egrari. The pretty girl at the front desk greeted me with warmth and friendliness. I went to his office, sat on the couch. He came in and we had some smalltalk...etc. Then we got down to it - I told him I was thinking tummy-tuck-boob-job. I told him a size 8 or so was fine, I had no illusions about ever being a 2 or 4, nor was I really comfortable with that. He said, "good, I get a lot of people with unrealistic expectations." He is a fan of the LBL (Lower Body Lift) and said that a breast lift wouldn't require impants (which I didn't want) - and yeah, at my "small size" he could likely do both together. "Let's go examine you," he said.

Melissa, the also-gorgeous nurse, dressed to the nines in full make-up, explained the little outfit to me. Paper stick-on panties, and a glorified paper tube top. He came in and took the tube top off - and gasped. I thought, "Am I that horrific? I mean, I know it's not pretty...but dude, that's what I'm here for, no??" Melissa chimed in with a little gasp of her own, nodding at the doc.

He said, "Oh, my, you have a very unique body."
Um, this is not sounding good...please go on, I thought.

"You have a gorgeous natural curvy waist - this is excellent! You cannot buy a shape like this." Melissa agreed with vigor. "You will have an amazing outcome." He was visibly excited. He went on to convince me of the full-on LBL, which I'd been quite opposed to prior to this visit. He hiked up skin here and there and showed me what I will look like. Or helped me visualize at a minimum. I'll likely lose my tattoo (low back), or part of it (ug?). I'll have a wrap-around scar from above the pubic bone, up at an angle like a g-string/bikini, and then around the back just above "the crack of the bottom." Eek. Being bi-sected is about as appealing and poking out my eyes...but, having 10 pounds of skin sagging off me isn't so hot either.

He went on to tell me exactly how many milimeters too low my boobs are currently (that's a great moment, btw) and that I'd still be a big C, small D when he was done with'em. I used to think I wanted to be small - but now I realize I'm kinda attached actually, so I'm glad to keep'em around. And that I wouldn't have to wear a bra if I didn't want to (something I haven't done since 4th grade maybe?). Scars here will be around the nipple, down the center (from the nipple down) and a c-shaped one underneath at the crease. Not excited about franken-body or franken-boobies either.

I got dressed and Melissa gave me a tour. She is genuine to the Nth degree, but the whole office kinda had that secret feeling of "come on, jenn, be one of us. the beautiful people. just do it..." The OR looked oh-so-Nip/Tuck it was freakish. "Your procedure will be about 8 hours; then we let you wake up and require you to walk to your car when you're ready to head home, about 3-4 hours later." Yikes. "We wash your hair before you go, since you can't shower for 4-days with the drains and pain pump. We want you to feel good!" Pain pump? High-five for that sucker. Compression garments. Drains. Ew...then it was time for the dreaded "before" photos, for which I stripped down to my pretty-paper-panties and the doc snapped 8 shots of me, and complimented me on my ability to follow directions (I'd apparently done a good job of turning as I'd been instructed).

Overall they poo-poo'd all the pain and suffering, focusing on results. How sales-pitchy, but ultimately true. That said, the recovery sounds abyssmal; but, it's a few weeks of yick for a lifetime of goodness. I get that.

Next up was Karen who kindly printed three quotes up for me: LBL alone, Breast lift alone...and then the big enchilada combining both. Our price tag? $19K. Ug, but I knew it, planned for it, and it's doable - but holy hannah, both surgeries add up to a whopping $36K (lap-band+plastics)- getting skinny ain't cheap, and don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise.

All I need to do is plunk down $500 for a date. I'm at 180ish right now, he said to drop 10 more before surgery (170), and he'd be lobbing off around 9-12 (160) and that most people lose 5-7 after surgery due to not wanting to eat (150-155). That said, my goal is to drop 20 before, getting me under 150 once I'm done. He said I could go on, too, and lose 10-20 afterwards without messing up the gig. Or, he said "It'd be fine to do this for your tonight really..." um, no.

My big question is this: "If I lose 30 pounds more and get to 150, will I still need the LBL or can I get away with a TT?" I will ask. I'm guessing either way it's good - my back side could use a little pick-me-up I suppose - and the TT alone isn't really that much cheaper, though, I'm more bummed about the bi-section than the money. Really. More importantly though, I wonder "Can they fatten up my tush so I actually have an ass???" I suppose that will cost extra.

2006-09-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

Run Run Run..Stuck Stuck Stuck

I ran around Greenlake in 35 minutes last week - 15 run, 5 walk, 15 run...and then last night, I ran a good 40-minutes straight up! No stops! And, my iPod even pooped out with 10 minutes to go and I didn't waiver. Hee-haw! It's getting there.

On the other hand, the scale is not working with me at the moment. Granted, I'm bloated. Oh, and I've had a rough few weeks as my mom was diagnosed with an (operable, benign) brain tumor which she had surgery to remove this past Saturday. Needless to say, eating right has not been a priority - though all told, in the realm of it all, I have done ok...but certainly not ok enough to drop any weight. Only 1 week to my 1-year mark...and sadly, I will not make it to 177 as I'd hoped. That said, I will in time - just not next week. Alas....the good news is I got through these past few stressful weeks alive, and mom is expected to make a 100% full recovery, and I didn't gain 10 pounds as I would have pre-banding. There's always an upside, no?

2006-08-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Little Jenny Goes for a Run

So, I did it.

Last weekend, I got the shoes and the bra of steel.

Yesterday, I got the new Motor CD I was waiting for (if you at all like electronic/funk, and buy one album this year like that, this should be it). If you have iTunes, give it a listen. Fabulous workout beat.

So this morning, I went for a run.

Yep! A RUN. I went 27 minutes before my body said, "done" and I just stopped, walked a bit, and then ran the last 3 minutes home for a round 30 minutes of running, 20 of walking. I love running, and I'd forgotten how much - especially the part before it becomes hard :) The first 20 minutes were pure bliss! The last 7 I was really pushing. But that will change and improve in time. I'm not looking to bust out on the marathon course or anything, but 2 or 3 days a week, especially until I'm done losing - and then after more for stress and endophines - will do just fine.

Jenn is running. Holy crap. My scale shows me around 181. That's good too!! I can't wait until a 179.? shows up...I'd take a photo, but even though my camera is small, it will make the weight go up!

2006-08-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

New Photos are up! Lucky!

Check them out here! It's hard for me to see big changes, but that is normal. I can tell when I look at myself in the mirror au'natural, and that's good enough for me.

Yesterday I went to Lucky jeans and bought me a pair! I was nervous they'd look at me and tell me I was too fat to even walk in the store, but my pal smb assured me "well, i see women your size leaving the store with bags of clothes..." so I thought, let's try. I spent an ungodly amount of money for one pair of jeans - but I heart them! And, I figure they'll be with me for another 10-15 pounds, which is 3 months+, and that is ok. Felt good to feel normal, no?

And, the best part, the flamboyant gay man helping me said, "oh, honey, I dropped 120 pounds about 3 years ago - I get it!" and we went on to have a huge conversation about the emotional weirdness of losing this kinda weight, and the concept of what I now call "the fat filter" - that is to say, the people who talk to you, date you, love you when you're gigantic comprise a small segment of society. Whereas, once you're 'normal' you find yourself being approached by the masses - and it's hard to discern who "your people" are, when before it was a given. Fascinating chat, lovely man for helping me feel comfy. And, well, super hot jeans...now if only I had the ass to really show them off, alas, all the weight loss in the world will not produce me a round bottom. Ah well....

2006-08-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

11-Month Post-Op Report - down 79.1 pounds to 182.9

Well, miracles do happen. Heading up to my surgeon appointment today, I was gunning for a 4 pound loss - really, 1/week at this point is good, right? I mean, we shouldn't get greedy, right? So, plopping on the scale (ok, stepping, but what a boring verb!) I showed a nice 5.6 pound loss putting me at 79.1 total. Now, I had no idea would be so close to the big 8'Oh! or I'd have tried to pee once more. Alas, I'll take it. Just 27.9 to go which feels like nothing on one hand and eternal on the other. That said, right now I'm focused on my 1-year appointment September 12th. I have a number in my head - should I commit? Right here right now? Yeah - ok - here it is: 177.

This is why. I remember weighing a hefty 135 in 5th grade. Next I remember being 185+ in high school and ever since. Twice - once at 19 and once at 27 - I hit 178 for about 15 minutes. I've never seen, as far as I can recall, any number below 178 on a scale. Hence the 177 goal. I like 175 for it's round-number quality; so that's the stretch goal. We'll see - but I'm going to try to keep this high level of focus. It seems to help when I'm not seeing anyone, and my friends are really busy - i.e., no distractions or variations (re: excessive drinking) to the plan. That said, I am figuring there will be wrenches in the plan along the way, but somehow, though there were this time, I still got there!

Oh, btw, surgeon scale weighs me in at 2 pounds less than my home scale. (Mostly writing this for my own reference). And, regular-person yoga is going just great! It's a good challenge and is keeping my in touch with the 'ole bod - a good thing, as Martha might say.

I'll get some new pix up soon!

2006-08-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

Hi. Remember me?

Where does Jenn keep going? If only she had the answer for you...

Seriously, it seems like I get all 'on track' and then something knocks me off and I'm trying to get back for weeks. It's lame, but it's life, and so while I try not to beat myself up too much, I also try to pay attention and not let this keep happening, or happening to the same extent.

Friday I have my 11-month appointment. I finally bought a scale and things are looking good. I plan to take it with me to his office and weigh on both to see what the discrepancy is, if any. Just good to have a gauge. After September, I can drive up and weigh in anytime - but no more "free" appointments, so it is unlikely I'll haul up to Edmonds (25+ minutes, a true expedition for a city girl who rarely drives more than 12 minutes anyplace ever) just to step on a scale. If I know how mine compares, I won't need to do that.

More to come!

2006-07-22T22:48:00.000-07:00

**New Photos Are Up - Click Here!**

2006-07-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

10 Months Out

Who can believe it - a year ago I was anxiously preparing for surgery, getting ready for my pre-op diet and having a myriad of "last suppers" (though I wasn't out of control, I did try to hit all of my favorites one last time). Today I went up to my surgeon's office to weigh in officially:

Wow! Who could be happier? Well, I'll admit to occasional 'bypass envy' as I know if I'd had the bypass, I'd be closer to my goal. BUT, I also know the lapband was the right choice for me and that I'm right on schedule for a good lil' bandster. With 8 weeks until my 1 year anniversary, I should be right where it seems most people are who have about 100 to lose: 80ish pounds down. That said, I have an inkling to sew my jaw shut for 8 weeks and hit my 100 pound mark...but I won't. Please! I know better.

It's exciting to be in the 180s - other than weighing 178 for about 15 minutes back in 1998, I honestly don't remember being any weight other that two-hundred-and-"x"... it's weird to be solidly in the "one hunderds" and even more exciting to be cookin' toward the end goal. I think once I've got 20ish to go, it will feel real. It's still a little "out there" for me at the moment - wearing regular clothes, looking like everyone else (i.e., not standing out as the fatso in the room), etc. So, I continue to digest (no pun intended) this insane amount of change to my body and soul. It's good though, don't get me wrong!

Hopefully I'll have more good news at my next 'anniversary' date! Pics will be posted soon - gotta get my sister to snap'em for me in the next couple days.

2006-07-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

Hiking, for the love of pete...

Ok, so now I'm an official card-carrying lesbian who lives in the northwest....yes, today I went hiking. I met a girl a few weeks ago, who is cool, and we're hanging out a bit (oh-so-low-key-casual, don't get excited). Anyhow, today, the plan was to go on a hike. She planned it, and I just trusted I'd be able to do it. She picked perfectly - about a 3-hour "easy/moderate" hike to Heather Lake up north near Mt. Pilchuck. And I'm happy to report, I hiked away with really no physical strain, emotional panic or problems (I toppled twice, but that can happen in the midst of a normal day for me, really). Hot diggity! Though, now I'm feeling as if truck ran me over...it was good fun.

Here's the thing: I walk all the time. I love it. Hiking is walking, just in more interesting places and on more varied terrain. Sometimes intensely varied - but still, this isn't rocket science. I like it, but I think I've classically feared it due to the weight issue and not being able to 'perform' so to speak. But today, I had a great time, got a fab workout and had a lovely lunch sitting on a giant rock next to an alpine lake - this would not have happened 70+ pounds ago, nfw.

I heart my lap-band.

2006-07-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

No More Glucophage!

I meant to report, I went to my endocrinologist last week. He's kind of an older dude, a bit of a crumugeon, but a stand-up guy in his profession. I am happy to report a fasting blood sugar of 88!!!!!! In the past, I was typically at 108. He officially let me off glucophage - which, to be honest - I'd stopped taking after my surgery. I hated it. Shame on me though, for self-medicating (or not, in this case...).

Anyhow, Dr. No-Bedside-Manner stopped to put his hand on my shoulder, tell me congratulations and looked me in the eye and said, "you know, this is huge - what you've done for yourself here, most people don't or can't do. you are my patient of the day!" It was very sweet actually; I also took the opportunity to tell him that he was my inspiration. He once said, "Unless you lose 50 pounds, you will, without question, need to take insulin shots at some point." This terrified me into looking at surgery...so I thanked him for making a difference for me. And that was that! I see him again in 4 months for a check-up and for my thyroid (which, I am taking my drugs again, thank-you-very-muchly).

In other good news, I'm meeting most of my goals from my recent post. I did drink a bit over the holiday weekend that exceeded calories limits; however, no looking back! I'm back on track now - no alcohol since Monday, and none planned until Saturday night. It's my mom's 60th birthday and in a move somewhat oxymoronic for a bandster, my one sister and I are taking her to the Herbfarm Restaurant here in Seattle. It's quite famous, and offers a 9-course meal with paired wines. I plan to go nice and slow, eat no bread and sip the wine and know that I don't have to finish it all. Duh! The portions are teeny tiny, and the meal lasts 5 hours, so I can pace myself. I don't plan to eat much tomorrow prior to dinner though!

Exercise is on target and my yoga for round bodies class is good. I signed up for a (gawd help me) hip-hop dance class! We'll see how that goes, but man, I wanna dance like that! I'll need to come up with a system to bind my chest and my fat belly, but they sell garments for that. Hee-haw!

Hope everyone is doing well! :)

2006-06-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

Boob Job Nightmare

So I had a dream that I had a boob job; they screwed it up and instead of making them smaller and perkier, they made them BIGGER - enlarging them into giant, honey dew melon-porn-star tits!

Oh, and one side was significantly bigger than the other, they were all dimpled and poorly shaped.

...and the best part? They put two nipples on one boob, and no nipple on the other. I awoke and said to the doctor, "Did you not notice this? Doesn't it look funny to you?!?!" Needless to say, I was happy to wake up and see all was well with my chest. Phew!

Hm. Now there's a subconscious manifestation of fear, no?

2006-06-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

9 1/2 Month Surgeon Visit - Update!

Well, one happy Jenn hopped on the scale to learn I weighed 190.9 - down about 5 and a 1/2 pounds from last month! Very exciting! All told with pre-band weight loss, I'm at a total loss of 71 pounds at the 9.5 month mark. Somehow, passing the 70-pound mark feels seriously significant - similar to when I passed 40...I dunno, some of these milestones just feel bigger than others. Bonus: I am now merely overweight, no longer obese, with a BMI of 29.9!

I had the alternate surgeon today, who was very nice - but I'd never met him. I discussed my fill situation and we agreed to a teeny tiny unfill. I'm wicked paranoid to go too low - 1.8 was loose! So, I went back to 2.0 exactly (I was at 2.1). The unfill was relatively uneventful. We'll see how I do - but it has to be better. I'm tracking with fitday now, like religion, to snap myself back to center in terms of caloric intake, so it's just a matter of whether or not I'm starving all the time, etc. which I doubt.

2006-06-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

Press the Reset Button, Jennifer.

Ok, I realized something: It is me.

Yep, I realized I was off the wagon, but I don't think I knew how far off the wagon I was...so, I hit the reset button this week and, with the help of my ever-faithful pal ck, I set some goals to help be get back in the game. Here they are, both for support to those of you who may be in the same boat, and for accountability:

1. Get back to 800 - 1200 calories/day.
So I did fitday.com for a few days, thought I was practically starving myself and found that I was indeed at the high end of my range...1200 calories! This is fine, but before, I was eating considerably more, meaning I was likely in a 1500-1800 range; fine for maintenance but I'm not there yet. Obviously.

2. No work out, no go out.
Back to this: No wine, drinks, etc. unless I've exercised, and then, only within my calorie range.

3. Exercise: 9 hours/week.
Six days of 1-hour walks + 3 days of 1-hour workouts at the gym, or a second walk, or whatever. 9 hours each week though, with only 1 day of rest.

4. Take the Meds.
I've been blowing off my thyroid medications which is ludicrous; plus stopped taking all insulin-resistance-related drugs after my surgery. Nice Jenn, self-medicate - great idea!...Sigh. I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist next Tuesday. I'll be back to center then, but have gotten back on the thyroid wagon (all the sudden I'm tired and my skin is dry and my hair is growing slow...and and...)

5. Get the Band Adjusted Properly
I'm too tight. I sort of like it; but dumb! Hello - slippage, etc. are huge risks. So, off to the surgeon later today. Git'er done, girl.

6. Nutritionist Check-In
I'm not eating enough protein. I'm eating soft/liquids, too much of them. Probably drinking too much alcohol too - not in an alcoholic way, just in a calorie sense. No more sweet drinks - they taste too good, are too full of calories and too easy to have another. Martinis...savories. Only.

7. Post to the Blog!
You guys help keep me on my toes; when I'm posting, I'm working. When I'm not...well, I'm not...so, I'm back to posting daily or near-daily until I finish losing, or need another break.

8. Dissect the Emotions
Watch for an 'emo' post soon - I've been pulling the emotions apart, and trying to put myself back together in light of what I'm learning. I'm scared to be skinny - no doubt - but I'm ok to keep working toward it at this point and face the fear. More on this soon, but know it's a component.

9. Buy a Scale
Accountability. If I'm not working out at the gym, I have no sense of how I'm doing. It will help. I'm ordering one this week.

10. Sugar only Twice/Week
I was getting mochas. Eating the free evil chocolate at work. Ordering sweet drinks (lemon drops, margaritas)...I was getting addicted again. So I'm off sugar for 1 week - then, it's allowed 2x/week. Period.

I think that's it. I'll revise if I forgot anything. I feel better, and skinnier already, being back on track. Surgeon today - I'm not expecting to lose since I know I've had loads of liquid calories and travels since my last fill; but hopefully this adjustment will get me where I want to go!

2006-06-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

Writing & Reading

As I've posted here before, I take writing classes at Bent - a writing school for queer folk where we can test out our writing in a safe space. I love it!

As most of you know, I wrote a piece about getting skinny - I read it at a queer spoken word event last month here in Seattle. Last week, my instructor asked me to read an abbreviated version of it at Seattle PrideFest this weekend! I was terrified - reading my piece in front of thousands of people - many of whom happen to fall into my dating pool! But I committed. I have it ready. Scary!

If you'd like to read it the full original version, email me (jennisagemini@yahoo.com) and I'll send it to you a PDF. I don't think I'm game to post the whole thing here and I may want to publish it someplace, and sometimes there are weird requirements around it being 'published' elsewhere.

2006-06-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

PB Tips!

I put a post on the lapband messageboard on Obesity Help detailing my tips on how to handle the dreaded "productive burp." I'm not posting it here because really, only bandsters need to know this and care, and well, it's a little gross. So, those bandsters who are interested, you know where to go to find it! Posted at 10:50 a.m. PST on June 19th. Enjoy - comments here or there (OH) are welcome, or added input!

2006-06-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, you tell me....

I'm going to do it. Buy a scale. That's right. A scale. In my home...

So tell me, what one do you have? Do you love it? What are the "must have" features in your opinion? Send me a link too. Cost is no matter - I just want a good one.

Why? Well, I don't fear becoming a scale addict at this point; the scale at my gym is not well calibrated (when I was over 200 lbs, it weighed me 2-3 pounds lighter than my doctor's office; now that I'm under 200 pounds, it's weighing me 2-3 pounds heavier than my doctor's office...).

Thank you in advance!!

2006-06-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

Uncle!!

Ok, note to self (and to lap-banders everywhere!): Do not get an aggressive fill before traveling. Especially internationally. Where they eat lots of rice. But really, not at all.

I have not been having a lot of fun since my last fill. I have an appointment on 6/23 where I plan to go back to 2.0cc’s from the 2.1 I have now. Here’s why: I am having a little PB festival every time I eat. I even PB’d water while I was in Manila – it was first thing in the morning and I awoke parched and slammed a ½ a bottle of water. Ok, so maybe it was my fault…but water? Really?? Further, it seems that the only meat that is friendly to me right now is fish – and even that, I have to be sooooo careful. And you all know what this leads to…

Soft foods. So I’ve been eating cheese. Which is fine, I always do – but I worry I’m eating too much. And in Manila, I actually drank frappacinos – yes – a glass of calories really – almost *daily*. Good lord! I do not do that!!! I certainly will have desserts, but in a calculated way, not in a daily downing of a giant, glorified milkshake! In New York, I failed to get through Chinese food, barely made it through Indian and well, nachos (one of my mainstays) both times were not seamless. Thankfully, my birthday dinner was ok: 1 oz Manchego cheese; about 8 mussels; 4-5 of the crispiest potato rounds I could find in the batch; and later in the evening, shared creamy dessert (cheesecake, mousse cake) with a hot cappuccino to get it down smoothly (all went well – happy birthday to me!).

While I love fish, I worry about gaining weight in this panicked mindset – because what actually happens is that you eat this insanely small amount, get a little stuck, and then a little later – 30 – 60 minutes maybe – it goes “clunk” and works through the band. Then you’re starving. So you eat crap to not be hungry. All signs, and obvious ones, of being too tight. That said, I did want to give it the college try and also allow the fill to settle in. I know too many people who panicked a week after a fill and regretted it later. I just wanted to be sure.

And, well folks, I am. That said, I do think I’m dropping weight – haven’t weighed myself in a while, though the scale in Manila put me at exactly what I weighed last time I was at the surgeon’s office. And certainly, if I don’t lose, though it feels like reverse psychology – the best thing to do is loosen up. If I do lose, it becomes a tougher choice, no? I mean, if I’m losing, and that’s my primary goal *for the moment*, maybe I’ll just eat fish for a while? We’ll see.

But don’t do this. If you have a lap-band, reschedule that fill for after big foreign/domestic celebratory travels. Trust me!

2006-06-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

35 is MUCH Better Looking then 34, No?

Today I turned 35! Here is a photo now, and on my 34th birthday. Much improved!!!
More soon.
~jenn

2006-05-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

Yo, Mama'z Tight

Whoa. This fill is wicked tight...and I'm not sure if it's "too tight" or if I just need to re-adjust to having it this way. If I eat insanely slow, I can get in enough food...but I fear "soft food syndrome" a little and have found myself going to soft/liquid foods just to get enough calories in to think. BUT, that said, I'm groovin' on losing weight again and knowing that it's happening! I don't own a scale, so I don't know exactly what's happening, but I can feel it...and you who have a band or bypass know "that feeling"...the "i'm getting skinny" feeling.

So, I've decided to stick with my fill and go with it. I will never starve; I still have 40+ excess pounds hanging off my body that can be accessed anytime to avoid certain death from starvation :) I did PB a little water yesterday after eating a small spoonful of cookie dough (I know, for shame) - but it just shows that it's working. What's true is often it's not "real" hunger, but rather "head hunger" in that I feel I should eat or be eating more, but really, I'm not hungry. So, I just need to adjust myself to what is essentially a brand-new lapband...which is how it is people: Every fill is like going back to the first one. I swear it.

I'm traveling now effectively for the next three weeks. I am home for a day here and there, but off to Manila, then NYC, then Portland. I'm home for good on June 17 and my next appointment is the following Tuesday, June 20. So we'll see how I do! I'll be posting a bit between now and then...first up: Manila! Home of fried and overly sweet foods.... (yes, I've got Luna bars for days...)

2006-05-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

Comparison

My "real" photos are on my other site, but I was reviewing some old posts in order to write up some of my lapband experience for my nutritionist, who is writing a book on lapband nutrition. I found this photo, and thought it would be fun to share it in comparison to a goofy photo I shot of myself yesterday. Please excuse the bowling shoes; normally I'd have boots on with a chunky heel.

Holy crap. Perhaps I just need a little self-validation, but damn if this won't do the trick!

2006-05-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

New Photos Are Up! Click HERE.

2006-05-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

A pound is a pound!

Sorry it's taken me a couple days to post. My surgeon appointment on Tuesday actually went quite well - to my surprise, I lost a pound. Yep, just one. And while in some ways that should be devastating - we are talking a month here - it wasn't *at all*. I was delighted not to gain really.

So, I was going to wait to get a fill until after my work trip next week (to Manila, in the Philippines), followed by a weekend in NYC to celebrate my 35th birthday...oh yeah, and then a couple days in Portland, OR for work...so I'm basically traveling from May 31 - June 18. BUT, then I thought, "did'ja drop $18K to stay fat then?" and my answer was a big, fat NO. So, when my doc came in I said, "we need to do a fill" and he looked and my chart, busted out the needle festival required for a fill and went to it.

Turns out I'd 'evaporated' about .2 cc's, so I was at 1.8 cc's. Seeing how I've lost about 19 pounds since that last fill, we opted for a 2.1cc total fill - .2 to get me back to where I was, and an additional .1 to compensate for the stomach shrinkage that likely occurred due to my weight loss. And now, a few days later, let me tell you: I am tight. It's kinda good though to come back to center; for example, on Thursday I had folks over for dinner. I ate:

- some cheese with a couple olives
- 5 or 6 small mussels
- 1 good-sized scallop (1.5 oz.), and a spoonful of califlower puree
- a few bites of key lime pie
- a few pieces of chocolate

Not a banner healthy meal, but my point is the quantity. I was able to eat considerably more pre-fill. The fun right now is that post-fill "i know i'm losing weight" feeling. Now that I'm exercising outdoors mostly, I realize I need to finally break down and buy a scale. I've always been anti-scale, but I do think it will keep me on my toes...

The last thing I want to share is a little epiphany I had. So, I've been slow to understand why my weight loss has slowed. Granted, user error has had an impact - a little too much going out, a little sugar here and there, and since I wasn't filled properly, I have had occasional hunger and eaten in response to it at 'non-meal times.' Ok, so there. That makes sense.

But here's the thing mentally I put together: My surgeon had told me to start talking with the plastic surgeon when I got to 180. When I broke 200, I basically stalled out...and I think part of why is that I am still utterly terrified at the notion of getting plastics, of having that kind of intense surgery, of being franken-body afterwards with scars from here to Canada... so as I started to think I was getting "too close" to 180, I think I had a mental block. If I think too much about it, I start to have a little panic attack...or cry...

So it dawned on my that the Plastic Surgery Police aren't beating down my door with a billy club. I don't have to have plastics at 180, 150, or ever for that matter. And this is exactly how it was for me about the lap-band; for a long time, I'd think of it and it would make me anxious/cry and I'd just think, "i'm not ready"... so in terms of plastics: I'm not ready. I don't have to be, but I do have to finish losing my weight. So I feel like I uncorked myself and am raring to go now! It's just funny the things that scare us, and how they impact so much.

2006-05-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

Surgeon Tomorrow

I fear my first gain! I just don't feel like I've been losing and it's all my fault...so perhaps tomorrow I'll get snapped back into shape when I go to my surgeon. I'll post some photos then too, but I gotta warn you, i don't feel like I look any different.

That said, my pal Anhl said I should post some of my naked photos, or at least a "decent" segment of me naked...so here are two "before & afters" of my legs. Still no model, but my god, what an improvement, no? The before shots even gross me out a little, so it's ok if they have the same effect on you. Cellulite...ewwwww....

More tomorrow after my 8-month appointment! Yikes!

2006-04-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

Before & After

Here is my lunch yesterday in Les Beax, France before I ate...and after. I ate the tuna off the top of the salad, an olive, the mozzerlla and a slice of tomato, and a few bites of the veggie tart. I am still stunned sometimes - before my band, I'd have put the whole thing away + bread! I love this thing!!!

2006-04-13T23:48:00.000-07:00

The Traveling Skinny

A few observations that aren't necessarily food-related...but, I gotta say, it is awesome to be in shape when traveling! Yesterday, we went to the Pont du Gard near Avignon; it's an 18-story high ancient Roman aquaduct. I climbed to the top on BOTH SIDES of the river without hesitation, and that was after going to another hikable site earlier in the day. Getting to the hotel, I found I had to then carry my bags up three flights of winding stairs...no problem, in fact, I went back to help Amy with her bags :)

Fact is, weighing less and being in shape simply makes life better. There is no question! You don't fear flights of stairs or hills, there's no anxiety when you forget something in your 3rd floor hotel room and in general, one can just 'keep up with the tour' so to speak. It's awesome and is helping to get me psyched for what I'm calling 'weight loss: round 2' when I get home - I am anxious to re-focus and reach my goal weight before (or around) the 1-year mark (Sept. 12). I have about 45ish to go, and I know with some serious focus and hard work, I'll get there (or tres close to it). Reaping the rewards sure does inspire!

Hope everyone is well!

2006-04-06T12:22:00.000-07:00

Travelin' Band

Ok, sorry it's taken me a while to post - you can read about my trip on my other blog. Here, I'm going to post about living with the lapband abroad, or at least my experiences so far...

First, on the flight over, I have to say I used to think airplane portions were skimpy! Not any more - my 3 oz. of surprisingly tender roast beef, 1/3 c. potato terraine and 1/3 c. green beans added up to the perfect 1 cup of food. For breakfast, they brought us a ham & cheese croissant, I just ate the ham & cheese, along with the 1/2 c. yogurt and was good to go!

Once in London, I admit I was loving my band if for no other reason than the exchange rate! Holy mackeral - the prices there look similar to those in Seattle, however, due to the crappy exchange rate, you basically have to double the price of anything...ouch! Food rundown:

- So, night #1 my friend Amy and I went to Indian food - I got a 'side dish' portion of Mutter Paneer (cheese, peas and sauce) and basically just ate that with a bite or two of Amy's rice. It was about 1 c. and stayed with me pretty well.
- Breakfast at the hotel was a soft cooked egg and about 1-2 oz. ham-like 'bacon' (more ham to me than bacon). I still struggle with eggs, but knew the protein was a good thing. I think I also downed a 1/2 piece of wheat toast.
- For lunch, I ate 1/2 a panini with veggies & cheese for lunch one day - it took forever to do - but it went down ok.
- That night for dinner I got fish'n'chips - I was seriously tight, not sure why - so I ate just a few bites of each, thought a PB was coming on but it passed (amen) - and then (for shame) at some ice cream...I just knew I'd be starved later if I didn't...

Then came the fun. I got this gastric bug going around London...let's just say I think I lost about 8 pounds (I'm guessing). (Gross information alert, skip to next paragraph if you're squimish) I was terrified I was going to vomit, as the distress was well, on the other end - and then basically I dry heaved but nothing came up. I was rather terrified since vomiting can cause slippage, etc. but since I got over it, it seems I'm normally restricted. Phew! Still, totally scary.

Once I was eating again I wasn't eating much...I had a bit of a parmesan tart for dinner with some veggies last night, and today being a travel day (and now Amy being sick), I admit I ate like crap today. One egg and about an ounce of ham-bacon; a yogurt parfait (3/4 c. total); a small Paris-size slice of pizza loaded with veggies...and a couple snacks I'm not willing to admit to ;) (I am on vacation people!)...

But, the long and short of it is that travel seems doable! I am thinking of getting a small fill, but obviously wanted to wait until I was back from my trip to go through that adjustment. For now though, I can eat a little of just about anything...the only pisser in London was tossing food out that I couldn't finish - if only for the money! At home I can take the leftovers or I bring along a friend/human garbage disposal to take care of my extras, so I rarely feel wasteful...but if that is the biggest problem I have, I'm doing well! ;)

Hope everyone is well!!! Take a look at some of the pics on my other blog - I still sometimes am shocked at what I look like!

p.s. My hotel towel fits all the way around me, I can tuck it in and actually move around and still be 'decent' - how about that!?!

2006-03-27T08:30:00.000-08:00

Quick Update

Hi all! Just a quick note to say hello. I really have not vaporized (just yet ;)

My weight is about the same, though I do seem to be shifting. I bought a Size 14 pair of jeans yesterday! (Granted, the khaki's I got were 16...lighter color, less forgiving). Holy crap though- and I also got a slew of Size L shirts. This is still shocking to me.

I'm off to Europe on Saturday and looking forward to it. Got a bunch of last minute things this weekend and still have the really, really last minute things to go. I wish I had been able to get it together to lob off the 15 pounds I'd hoped to if only to be able to shop and buy cool clothes whilst across the pond; however, I suppose still requiring larger sizes (for the most part) will protect my wallet a bit. (Though, handbags, shoes and jewerly aren't specific to skinny people...which is problematic for the checking account).

Otherwise, I'm eating ok - having PMS tightness as expected this month, resulting in about 5 days straight of minor to major PBs. Sucks, but it was expected...and it'll be over with soon enough. Exercise is good too - walking 50-60 minutes each morning, and sometimes an added hours around the lake in the afternoon! I've been seeing my trainer 1x/week but haven't really been doing it otherwise. Post-Europe, I want to keep walking a few days/week and then work in gym days 2-4x/week that will involve both cardio and lifting. And of course, Danskin is coming! I will be starting to bike and swim as well upon my return. Ug!

That's the quickie update - sorry for continually disappearing. A lot going on otherwise which I just don't have the energy or need to really go into here. Know that I'm focusing on myself and while at times I feel really, really bad - at others, I feel like my life is going in the right direction and I'm crazily happy and content. So the plan for now is to just carry on!

2006-03-14T22:09:00.000-08:00

6-Month Post-Op Report - Down 58.5 Pounds

I know I am a few days late, but here is my 6-month post. Today I saw my surgeon and after taking a good month "off," I found that I had lost just 1.5 pounds in the past month...according to my his scale. Horrifying? Not at all. I didn't do anything to lose weight in the last month - I took weeks off from the gym, ate ok but certainly not ideally. I went in fully expecting to gain 5 pounds or so, and had even prepared myself emotionally for this news. Losing 1.5 was a thrill!!! I'm not doing photos this time since not much happened...

What's funny is how fat I feel right now...yet I'm skinnier than I was a month ago - all because I haven't been working at it. Those who know me know this is a metaphor for my life - it's hard for me to take credit or feel good about anything unless I'm working my ass off. And I suppose the metaphorical lesson here is that you can relax and let things unfold naturally you still will get where you're trying to go (maybe not as fast, but what's the hurry?)...

For the past few weeks, instead of going to the gym I've instead been going on 1-hour walks in the morning. It's been delightful! Even though it's Seattle, most mornings have been rain-free. It's amazing how fresh air and sunshine can keep ya going. I'm headed to Europe for 2+ weeks soon, so I wanted to be ready for all the walking! Plus, I needed a change but wanted to keep exercising and this worked out great. For now, I plan to keep up the walks until my trip on April 1st, and then when I return getting a good plan for the gym in order to be ready for Danskin.

Sorry for my continued absence here - life got a little heavy unexpectedly; however, things ebb and flow so with that in mind, it ought to lighten up soon so I should be around more. Plus, I am taking my iBook to Europe with me so hopefully I'll be posting a bit from there, with a goal of writing here about weight-related stuff while traveling.

Oh, and by the way, I weight 199.5. Holy shit.

Hope everyone is doing well!

2006-03-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

Danskin Tri

The Danskin registration opened up today! I signed up - yikes!!! Who's with me????

http://www.danskin.com/danskinonline/raceinfo.html

:) Just do it!

2006-03-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

Cupcake

Yes, two posts in a day. If you know me you know I have a tendency toward the extreme, though I work to temper it. However, in the here & now I was reminded of a topic I wanted to post.

So, I'm working to amp up my t-shirt collection. Why? Couple reasons:
1) They actually make t-shirts that fit me now!
2) It's a hip look, the t-shirt over the long-sleeved shirt; I like it when I'm going for my sporty-spice look.
3) Sometimes it's hot when I go out dancing, they work.
4) The ole'rack looks pretty good in 'em, I must say.
5) There are days I just don't want to work that hard, and it's easy to look ok in a t-shirt & jeans provided both are cool...

Which leads me to my dilemma. So far I have three t-shirts in my little collection. Two are cute and fitted, one is a Nada Surf shirt, a band that I like (it's a little bigger, but still cool and yesterday, got me some good flirtin' with a random barista who missed the show! another plus of the cool t-shirt...conversation starters).

So this week for work I had to go to Cupcake Royale to pick up cupcakes for a baby shower. They have t-shirts with their very cute logo and cool, very, very "jenn" colors (pink on brown! my palette!). I was all set to add t-shirt #4 to my collection when it dawned on me...

I'm not skinny. Yet.

Fat girl wearing shirt with food on it - that's a no-no - but not just any food, but a fattening, decadent, egregious cupcake, for the love of god? It feels like an invitation to taunts, whether spoken or not. So I didn't buy the gawd'damn thing. In terms of my dress/style, I feel more put together and fashionable than I ever have. But apparently, I'm still not able to shake the fact that I'm still an XL, a 16, 200ish pounds...and not yet able to wear a 'food' shirt without fearing judgment. Alas. Perhaps some month in the future I'll take my photos for y'all in a Cupcake Royale t-shirt - then you'll know I'm over this hump.

2006-03-05T08:23:00.000-08:00

Uncle

Ok, ok, - I give. I know I keep disappearing and I am honestly sorry about it. I've been taking a little hiatus as mentioned in my last post - a break from working so hard at losing weight. It's been a nice breather, but I'm getting back on track now. Exercised the last 4 days in a row (thanks ck, for the help getting it back) and made a few bargains with myself to keep at it. Somehow, these little deals & contracts work for me (i.e., dessert is ok 2x/week; no workout = no go out, etc.). It's just hard to keep at it relentlessly without shaking it up.

I haven't weighed myself in ages, but last time I was holding steady - I doubt that's changed at all. But we'll see soon enough & I'll keep you posted. One thing that has been strange is that I've struggled to accept compliments from people regarding my weight loss while on my break. It's like I don't deserve any kudos since I'm really not working at it right now....strange, lame and true. I suppose it's still nice when people notice, but I feel like a little bit of a fraud for taking a compliment that I feel like I don't deserve - no lectures needed - I know I deserve it, blah, blah - it's just right now they make me feel a little awkward. But hey, now that I'm getting back to it, perhaps I'll be more receptive to these comments.

Otherwise, not too much else to report. I think most of you know I taking writing classes at Bent . After class last week I went for a drink with a classmate who totally inspired me to finally, and I mean FINALLY, write my 'fat piece.' I've been trying to write a piece about my experience being fat that captures the feelings I've had about it in the past, but presents them in a way that shows I'm in a different place now. I'm still tweaking, but I'm pretty happy with it so far. I'm hoping to read it at the next spoken word night I go to in May...but we'll see. Pretty risky putting yourself out there like that! Once I finish, I will either (1) post it (this is unlikely) or (2) give you a email address to write to if you'd like to see it. I'm happy to share, but posting it...not so sure. Maybe an excerpt, when the time comes.

Hope all are well, sorry again for disappearing - just know I'm focusing on myself and it's good!

2006-02-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

Rewarding Yourself

One of the things I've been doing a lot of lately is rewarding myself. I think it's hard to figure our how to do this when you're a fat girl inside - c'mon, we've always used food as a reward, right?!? But I think along the way I've done a good job of milestone rewards that have made me feel good & happy & proud of myself. Sometimes the reward is around a specific number on the scale, sometimes a timeline (I worked out 10 days in a row), and sometimes it's just a general "Hey, I rock. I'm doing this for myself." Here's some of what I've done at different stages:

- New haircut - change it up! don't be afraid - I've gotten as many compliments on my new hair as I have on my weight loss, I swear it!
- Clothes - this is a big one since you know you won't be wearing it for long...but still
- Accessories - shoes, bags, jewelry - things you won't shrink out of - a good $pend :)
- Spa appointments - I'm not too proud to drop a little $ at the spa and feel the love
- Mini-getaways - Go someplace new where you just get to be YOU and not "jenn who was fat before..."
- Breathers

Breathers? What's this? Well, this sort of maps to where I am right now so I thought I'd spend a moment on this one. Think about it: When you're charging to a long-term goal it's exhausting. Like running a marathon, there are these moments where you're flying along and others where you feel like you will topple over in 4 more paces. I think I'm feeling like I'm going to topple over in terms of driving so hard to lose weight. So, I am giving myself a breather! This is why I haven't posted in a while, have taken to walks around the lake rather than the gym, have relaxed my eating a little (not in a bad way, just not focusing on it so vigilantly).

Overall, I am sort of taking a little 'vacation' from my own personal weight-loss marathon.

For me, it's proven to be a good decision. I'd rather slow down a little than topple over completely, no? And it's allowing me to focus on some other things that matter a lot: my job, my writing and dating...these all require energy out of me too, and one only has so much gas in the tank. I feel fantastic where I'm at right now, and I have total faith that I will reach my goal in good time. I just think taking a few weeks off is a good pacing break. For me it is anyhow....so, I might post again tomorrow...or in a week...I'm stepping out of the drivers seat for a little bit is all and hopping on the bus instead; not as fast or direct, but it'll get me there.